Confess to an appalling list of imaginary sins

From Create Your Own Story

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been three days since my last confession. In those three days I have taken the Lord's name in vain numerous times and I have been unfaithful to my husband at least nine times."

The priest seems startled, but manages a normal sounding response. "Uh... At least nine times?"

You use Jessica's most desperate-sounding voice. "Oh yes, at least that many. I'm counting Saturday night as one, but if you go by person it would be much, much higher.” You catch your breath dramatically. “There were so many of them in the room and it was dark." You manage a wistful sigh.

The priest coughs. "My child, you're saying you've been with multiple men at the same-"

"Oh not just men, women - girls, I think. But they just used their fingers... That doesn't count, does it?" You try to sound grief-stricken. "You don't count strap-ons, do you??! I didn't think that... oh no! Tell me that doesn't count!"

Clearly flustered, the priest tries to take control. "My child, please stop this! I think it is clear that you have broken your marital vows. While we don't need to dwell on the details, we need to address the main issue which is-"

You cut him off with a sob. "But if strap-ons count, I must be going to hell. There were dozens!! And what about oral? I was taking two at a time towards the end there." You throw yourself to the ground and wail. "I mean, when I started the threesome series, it's really hard to see who's giving it to you from behind. When I had the big guy in my mouth I almost blacked out and-"

The latticed opening slams shut.

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