John "E.T." Tesh has explored and conquered many facets of the entertazinment and broadcasting industries. In a surprisingly successful career that now spans more than 25 years, Tesh has become known as a respected leader in Television, Radio, Film, Music, and Space Exploration, rivalled only in popularity by Howard Stern. People worldwide have enjoyed John Tesh; both his music, and his witty quips on “The John Tesh Radio Show,"? but what most people don't know is that John Tesh is in fact an alien . That's right. The "E.T." in his name stands for Extra Terrestrial, and has nothing to do with his ten year stint as host of Entertainment Tonight.

The Gospel According To John Tesh

Over time, fans of John Tesh will start to look just like him.

I used to respect John Tesh when he worked for Entertainment Tonight. He seemed like a decent guy, and I spent many an evening watching him and chuckling over the zany criminal misadventures of former child stars. But then one day he quit all that. He quit, grew a goatee - or "chin vagina" as we used to call them - and toured the country playing smooth jazz piano. For a long time it seemed that John Tesh was everywhere at once: on TV, on "infomercials," and in concerts promoting his ubiquitous music, which he uses to try to take over the Earth .

Contrary to news of their public spats, John Tesh is a huge Yanni supporter.

Three of Tesh’s most recent releases, The Deepest Faith, Christmas Worship Fun and Piano of Love all resided on the New Age Pop and Christian Music charts. Recently Tesh released the family-friendly CD and DVD, Worship the Blue Balls, which is also a national television special. This worldwide television event featured dancing monkeys and a guest appearance by fellow piano man Elton John, with hits such as “I Can Only Love You,?" “Lord Have Mercy?" and “Smack My Bitch Up.?"

The most popular, and perhaps the most confusing of Tesh songs, Jedi Mind Tricks reflected John Tesh's love of outer space:

Over the earth I hover
Spinning whirlwinds in wheatfields
My force fields repel four winds for broken seals

Lay the beat down;
Make big connections to Uncle Sam
Performing alien brain scans and spiritual exams
While the mother ship lands on holy land
My mental expands with plans to span through the galaxy
Speaking my name is blasphemy, so call me your majesty
Majestic phonetics begin to affect your reality
Religiously, I mystically chant and recite on mic's
At astronomical heights
Guided by the northern lights
Poltergeist, masquerade as Christ, entice like Heidi Fleiss
Trying ta put the righteous on ice
You're a holographic device, I simply see through
Robotic like R2D2, I'm original like Hebrews 

Revelations of the Megatron
I form Voltron;
Travelling through space portals
My soul cannot be imprisoned or trapped by mere mortals
With the pain of scorpion stings
‘Lord of the Rings', I brings
Contorting; poly-wharfing and aborting
The souls of the MC's who I've made ghosts to do my haunting...

Scientifical madness, eliminating masses with mathematical hypotheses
Fucking up your anatomy!
Atomically bombing thee, fraudulent MC's
With each battle strategy
Confusion weaponry, causing fatalities
Intergalactic tactics, shine like metallics
I'm sick with, this cerebral madness
Verbal flames, I spit them through your chest, like tequila
Death becomes you, As I run through
MC's like battering rams, you don't understand

John Tesh and You

We want YOU for the John Tesh Fan Club!

You love John Tesh. There’s nothing you love more than hearing the placating tones of Tesh whisper sweet lullabies into your ear well into the late evening. And trust me: if you had thousands of dollars to wipe your ass with, you’d be the first person in line to spend seven days with the Tesh-meister on an “Intelligence For Your Life?" cruise to the Riviera. Admit it.

John will be performing live in concert twice during the cruise. One concert will be with the full band and the second will be a more intimate "storyteller" style with John sharing his inspiration and "back-story" behind your favorite songs, up close and personal. But these concerts would be just part of your amazing vacation! During the cruise, you would also have access to John 24 hours a day via live web broadcast while on the ship, plus the exclusive opportunity to screen the motion picture Becoming John Tesh, the highly-anticipated sequel to Being John Malkovich.

A startling depiction of a not-so-fictional world where everyone becomes a John Tesh fan.

The John Tesh Conspiracy

The National Anti-Tesh Action Society (NATAS), says John Tesh is an "interplanetary mole" intent on "softening up" the human race with his "mellifluous" adult contemporary music. They point out the odd shape of his head, the speed with which he composes and plays the piano, and the fact that he makes his entrance at a concert by descending to the stage in an elevator, just like a UFO landing.

Although no mention of Tesh's extra terrestrial-ness can be found on his internet site (http://www.tesh.com), it contains a telling clue. He recently staged a contest, asking fans to answer the question, "How has John Tesh changed your life?" in 25 words or less. The winner, Monica Rios, wrote:

John Tesh's music is like a breath of invigorating fresh air lifting my spirits and relaxing my soul. I experience a wonderful, indescribable sensation.

Just like a classic UFO abduction story.

See Also

• alien
• UFO

References

1. John Tesh is an Alien
2. John Tesh is Trying to Take Over the Earth