User:Anedwcan/Nipples2

From Create Your Own Story

This regards the story by Stormbringer called Nikki "Nipples" Nicastro.

Here's my highly personal feedback on the story.

The setup is great, but it shows how early the story is in Storm's development. There's little of the "inner journey" in the girl that Storm later becomes a master of. Things basically happen to Nikki without that having much of an effect on her - she doesn't comment (much) on it, and/or try to change her behavior.

Furthermore, each "suitor" only appears once. If they were to recur, this would "force" Nikki to respond properly, which would make the story hotter, and let it "escalate" not just at the end. (As written, the story almost reads as if its author stumbles across the interracial fetish by accident and is overwhelmed by it...!)

At the very start, Nikki is clearly embarrassed about her body and wants to get back at her surgeon. These themes are quickly forgotten about.

Finally, this story would be perfect for a strong pregnancy risk theme. I LOVE it when the girl clearly wants to avoid risking a pregnancy, yet can't help herself...

In summary, the story doesn't really acknowledge the events of the story. Things mostly just happen, and never spoken of again. The story is still hot, but could be hotter.

All in all, I feel all of this could be addressed by making the story into a CYOS story. (Again, had there been a CYOA site with simple Wiki pages like this one but with simple variable support that would have been GREAT. But since the choice is between quick and simple on one hand (this site) and cumbersome and complex (at least compared to wiki - twine, renpy etc all don't just add variables but a TRUCKLOAD of extra stuff I'm simply not interested in learning) and because we need a completely uncensored host, here we are...) So now I'm spitballing ideas for an extended story based on Storm's character.

Story ideas:

• The story progresses in weeks. Early in the story we focus on Nikki's embarrassment and don't subject her to the heavy stuff.

• In this comic universe the pill isn't invented. When Nikki gets her initial pregnancy scare (from her lactating nipples), her husband instead assures her by saying he's sure he's always used a condom and that they have never broken.

• Nikki doesn't immediately become active in bed. Let her have an erotic dream that is why she straddles her husband. When she wakes up she's completely embarrassed, but her husband tries to calm her down. This ends in them having sex again, and since he's so excited he forgets to wear a condom. Of course his weak white seed doesn't impregnate her, but they can at least have a discussion about "wouldn't this be a good time to start our family".

1. Nikki's protests against the paperboy is stronger, and she clearly says no. She still ends up with splooge on her chest, but is not nearly as desperate/corrupted (yet) to beg for a fuck. When the paper boy later returns to make good on his threat to make her his "steady piece" it's another matter.

2. I don't have anything to say regarding her chapter with Jill currently. I appreciate that Jill tries to corrupt Nikki, and that she shaves her, but I feel Nikki corrupts too easily, too fast. Jill basically then disappears from the story - would be nice if Nikki continuously asks Jill for advice, and Jill giving clearly inappropriate suggestions...

3. Since Orson the geek very well can't be made assertive (or he's no longer a geek) I think the best solution is to make this chapter wait until at least the second week. Once it's plausible he can tell her they're about to fuck, he can start trying to wiggle out of having to wear a condom.

4. The landlord. The first few times Kerem has his way with her, she struggles to push him out before he cums. (Remember, she really does worry about pregnancy). Since Kerem appears in the story when he catcher Nikki redhanded with Orson, and thus can't appear too early, I'm fine otherwise.

5. The Day Laborers. The previous chapter incongruously ends with her rushing from her infidelity to purchase a racy bikini. In our game, we can place this where it's more natural, and have it trigger progress. Not only does she need it to attract the attention of the day laborers, it's also the first mention of her eventual vacation to Jamaica. I'd suggest having her sunbath in a regular one-piece bathing suit so the player is aware of the staring lecherous Mexicans and thus can actively hope her new bikini will trigger something! I'm not too keen on the conflictless way the fucking starts; I would make them wake her up, so she could get embarrassed about them staring at her topless breasts. Only the second time she sunbathes (in her new bikini) she can dream on. And she will (try to) tell them not to cum in her!

"An hour after vowing never to cheat on Alex with another man, she had found herself fucking two Mexicans." Sure, but the writing needs to remind her of this, and shame her into successfully resisting at least one other advance. (She's so proud of herself, and thinks she's defeated her shameful weakness, which makes her an easy target for the encounter after that.)

6. The Lifeguard. Luke can obviously recur in a way Mitch can't. Make her force him to wear a condom (at least the first time) to contrast the forceful Mitch's blackmail. More focus on her mix of shame and fear about him cumming in her womb. It's nice to give Nikki a victory in getting rid of Mitch, but that doesn't mean the nice Luke can't have other domineering colleagues that replace him...

At this stage of the story I'm really starting to miss any inner dialogue. I want her to try to better herself, by actively avoiding any more accidents. Perhaps the encounter with the garbage men can't proceed until she's in her third week (where she's clearly failed to shield herself against the landlord and/or others) After her encounter with the garbage men it's obvious she need to make an effort to restructure her life (and that the story is better off not just proceeding)

7. The garbage men. Nikki needs to please with Uncle Mack not to come inside her, which of course he ignores. Then when she returns after cleaning up, she reminds Ares not to cum in her. But he becomes drunk on her milk, and she only remembers at the last moment when it's too late.

The next week it's three different men that shows up, explaining they got the tip from Uncle Mack. They're more domineering and no matter how she pleads, they simply splooge in her womb. She keeps entreating them while making zero effort to actually resist.

The week after that it's all five of them, and she pleads with Uncle Mack to have them not knock her up. They promise... and then they fail. All five of them. Then they make a deal with her - if they can just fuck her once each without any complaints, they'll use her mouth and ass afterwards. She agrees and is rewarded by immense orgasms. She loses count, and each man dumps two loads in her womb. They persuade her to still agree to the deal, but can't just watch, so while she has one cock in her throat and one up her ass, a third cock snakes into her pussy. And they come together. Then they switch, so each man gets to fuck her ass and her throat. After this, she's got twenty five loads in her womb, so she stops hoping. She kiss each of them goodbye, at the door, on the porch, back at the truck, in the driver's cabin, each time getting a new load up her snatch.

8. Sports Jerks: "“I hope you ain’t on the pill because I’m gonna put a baby in that belly." Make her tell them she's not, and plead with them. Then, when they do splooge inside, have her say "I hate you and I hope you never make me pregnant". Then she'll fuck them a second round. When the janitor fucks her, she decides to not even bother asking him to withdraw.

If this encounter - and the next - happens while she still isn't thoroughly corrupted (and what's the fun when that has happened?) it might be better for the story if she returns tear-eyed to her husband claiming rape (it can still be rape even when she likes it). She might be able to talk Alex out of pressing charges, maybe even shamefacedly explaining she did not complain to either the guard or the janitor. Since Max(well) Swell is a big shot, her husband can be persuaded to stand down. He still insists on a medical checkup though, so they go to the clinic, and because there's lot of patients, she has to stand there openly in the hallway bare-assed in one of those little hospital gowns. She has to tell the handsome black male doctor she was raped but can't say who by. Alex has to stand there listening to the thuggish black male nurse clinically reporting how her vagina and anus shows clear signs of repeated insertions. They ask her how many rapists there were, and unless she truthfully says four, the doctor will bring in a second opinion - a fat lecherous white male doctor who will question her and have her up her number. Then they notice her leaking breasts. She's rather horny by this time, and so she doesn't mind them opening her gown to pull out her breasts (now she's open both in the back and the front). Of course, this ends with her getting dicked while Alex fills out the forms. All three, plus one sex-crazed patient just lucking out, fuck her and when they cum in her, they explain that way there's no mess to be cleaned up (not that this stops the patient from splooging all over her face). Plus, her rapists probably knocked her up first anyway. She has to sit looking out the window all the way home to prevent Alex from noticing the cum in her hair. And during the drive home, the seat soaks up even more cum.

9. The homeless. She's strangely passive when Juma surprises her in the shower, but more importantly: stop it with the "master" bullshit. (It's a considerable turnoff since BSDM master-slave sex means she no longer considers herself a proper lady only accidentally falling for temptation) And exploit the opportunity for cumflation when Juma fucks her - give her considerably more trouble expelling his load out her womb, so she remains bloated. Then when he fucks her ass, have his mind clear and see her pain, and switch back to her pussy.

Then, prolong the sequence where she tries to run and hide in the shanty town, but always ending up with a new cock. She finally escapes but with a distended belly and bloated breasts. This time she manages to talk Alex out of a medical checkup, mostly because she's so full and really couldn't stand more cocks. It takes three days before her tummy is back to its flat, fit self.

10. The glory hole. Have her really try to make the men wear condoms, and be satisfied first when most do, and later when some do. Of course, by the time Juma's cock arrives, the last condom is long gone, and her belly is bulging with cum. She doesn't even think twice of letting Juma fuck her. She's in momentary pain but he wants another go, and again, she doesn't hesitate. This time he enters her booth, and fucks her twice while she keeps blowing cocks. When she's done the sun is up, she looks massively pregnant, and has to stay in L.A. for two days before she can go home without Alex noticing.

11. The in-laws. Perfect for repeat weeks. They can appear earlier in our story, and merely glare at her - surprising her changing clothes or entering the bathroom when she's showering. They're lecherous and insistent, and slowly she stops caring to cover up as diligently. It's Alex who has to tell them to knock off with their vulgar compliments.

Once it's time for sex, Stormbringer reuses the tired trope of mistaken identity. It's much hotter if the man is clearly showing his intentions, and have her say no until she no longer says no. They refuse condoms but promise to pull out. When they break that promise, they have the perfect argument: any children will look just like Alex'!

Then they fuck her everywhere and at all hours of the day. She tries to dodge them, and resist, all in vain. It's only when Alex is home and she fears getting caught that they have to be insistent in order to get into her snatch. Her belly grows as she can't get out the cum as fast as Papa Nico puts it in, but she has to just hope Alex doesn't notice.