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Casstoons

Pivitor — Mon, 09 Jul 2007 22:16:18 GMT

Pivitor: /* Characters and People that have appeared in the Casstoons */

'''Casstoons''' is the name of a stripcomic, drawn by [[EspanolBot]], and written by [[Drink]], although other writers (such as [[Ing]] or [[Justin Carr]]) have contributed to it. It describes the diverse misadventures of Cassandra Cain, the third [[Batgirl]], and Tim Drake, the third [[Robin]], the vast majority of those dealing with the recent editorial decision of DC to make Cass evil.

In a moment of rage following the release of Robin #150, where that storyline began, Drink and Espanolbot, notorious members of the [[Cass Cult]], made a small strip where Cass rips DiDio's face off. If you ask almost anyone, he deserved it.

After this first try, the two members continued to make strips about that editorial decision, always giving Cassandra Cain the major role. Soon, the strips diverged to include other DC characters (and more recently Marvel and Vertigo ones) and to concentrate on other storylines, not necessarily linked to Cass and Tim. The two characters, however, always appear in the strips.

Most characters in the Casstoons are either parodies or caricatures of their comic versions. For example, [[Hal Jordan]] is extremely offensive towards women and minorities, and Iron Man is portrayed with a Martini in hand, a jab at his past as an alcoholic. Cass herself has committed ann increasingly horrific series of murders in her desperation to become 'good' again.

The Casstoons have also produced a daughter comic of sorts featuring Booster Gold in addition to Cass, produced entirely by [[HotAndCold]], who usually uses the comic to express her rage at the handling of Booster in 52.

Casstoons became the most important attraction of the Cass Cain appreciation thread in a matter of weeks. It has also been successfully presented to the official DC message boards and other noteable forums.

==Characters and People that have appeared in the Casstoons==

'''Main Characters'''

Cassandra Cain- The most recent Batgirl. Was turned evil after OYL with no logic involved, and in a fit of rage ripped off DC Editor Dan DiDio's face. Thus began Cass's adventures in Casstoons, as she desperately tries to become good again, find steady work, or just survive sharing an apartment with Tim Drake. She is one of the few who can see the absurdity around her and is often the voice of reason. She is also the Pope of the Catholic Church and the Boxing Champion of the World.

[[Tim Drake]]- The current Robin, and a womanizing dick. Despite his less than pleasant personality he is still usually seen associating with Cass, and she even let him move in her apartment after Damien took over Wayne Manor. He is currently dating Cassie Sandsmark, Rose Wilson, and Mia Dearden (Despite her HIV), often all at once. Tim Drake doesn't ''like'' country music.

Stephanie Brown- Cass's best friend and former costumed hero the Spoiler. Was killed senselessly in the War Games crossover, but Cass made a pseudo-alive scarecrow replica of Stephanie, inspired by 52. She was revived briefly when Tim dabbled in dark magic, then permanently by Death itself. She now lives with Cass and Tim and shares their adventures. She's dating the revived Superboy and works as a secret agent.

'''Reoccurring Characters'''

(In alphabetical order by last name...or code name. You should find who you're looking for under one or the other...)

Access- The guardian over the doorway to DC and Marvel. Access had a vendetta against Cass due to her liberal passage through the universes. Once successfully masqueraded as Evil Cass, which only worked due to Tim’s stupidity.

Adam Strange- Travels space with Animal Man and Starfire. Formerly blind and surly. No longer blind, but still surly.

Animal Man— “Cosmically aware” family man. Stays safe because he knows where his writer lives—and isn’t afraid to do a little mafia-style negotiating.

Arrowette- Sole Young Justice surviving member and possible bastard child of Green Arrow. She’s probably better off that way.

[[Batman]]- Ultimate Superhero. Has the uncanny powers of forgetting his female sidekicks and kidnapping children. He only acknowledges that Batgirl exists when someone mentions her; he's forgotten Spoiler entirely.

Batwoman- She's a lesbian, in case you didn't hear. In fact, it's almost all she ever says. Kinda like a Pokemon.

Beast Boy- Former Teen Titans who hangs out with the main characters. Cass often injures him in one way or another. Slade did Terra in his bed. Drummer of Tim’s band, as an Octopus.

Adam Beechen- The writer who did the story in which Cass went evil. For his own safety, he is rarely shown in the same panel as Cass. He's a rabid Tim Drake fanboy and in all his stories Tim wins by miraculous duex ex machina--even if Tim was not a main character.

Black Canary- Bird of Prey and Cass's friend. Bastardized by Winick back into a damsel in distress.

Brain and Monsiour Mallah- A living brain in a jar. A super-intelligent French gorilla. '''OTP.'''

Booster Gold— Money loving superhero from the future. All the ladies think he has a glorious ass. He was briefly replaced by a Cablinasian hermaphrodite and forced to wear a barrel.

David Cain- Cass's dad. Obsessed with breeding his daughter with eligible bachelors.

Captain Marvel- His "Wisdom of Solomon" has been on the fritz lately.

Captain Marvel Jr.— Bassist of Tim’s band eternally stuck in the fifties. Now undergoing magical trials that make him forget everybody he cares about.

Catman— A little too friendly with Deadshot, if you know what I mean. Member of the Secret Six.

John Constantine- Chainsmoking English magician. Appears occasionally in Casstoons that involve the occult in some fashion. Currently shagging Zatanna.

Damian/Ibn Al Xu'ffacsh- The bastard son of Batman. Possibly the Anti-Christ.

Dan DiDio- Main Editor and essentially the "God" of DC. After he dictated that Batgirl turn evil Cass tore his face off in pure rage. Thanks to some post-reconstructive surgery, he has been reborn as Dankor, based on the villain from Prince of Space. He loves Lesbians and hates the nineties and fun. He also has Diversity Vision.

Linda Danvers— The “Good” Supergirl.

Darkseid- New God. Got his hand broke during Handshake with Cass (Much to her own disbelief).

[[Deadpool]]- Merc with the Mouth and Cass's neighbor at her apartment complex. The two have become friends and often go on adventures together, whether to another dimension or just down to the Pizza Joint on the corner. Often has madcap and nonsensical adventures with the new Blue Beetle, Jaime Reyes.

Deadshot— A little too friendly with Catman, if you know what I mean. Member of the Secret Six.

Mia Dearden— The current Speedy. She has HIV, though it doesn’t seem to affect her or anybody she sleeps with at all. One of Tim’s girlfriends and a former Titan.

Death- Goth and guide to recently deceased souls. Has given Hal and Ollie a free ticket to come back to life after they groped her. Also revived Steph.

Deathstroke- Slade Wilson. Pedophile and leader of the Titans East. He is older than dust. In the CassToons he wears his costume from The Teen Titans Animated series. Because black is a lot cooler than blue scale male.

Ralph Dibny & Dr. Fate helmet- Stretchy hero who's out of his goddamn mind and helmet of a dead hero who he talks to. Turns out he was never insane and now he’s dead and we all feel bad. Solves mysteries with his Ghost Wife, Sue.

Dr. Light- Rapist who was banished to the Shadow realm by the Shade, then raped by Supergirl. He then turned himself in after the ironic rape.

Duela Dent- Lunatic that's possibly the daughter of a supervillain, and member of Titans East. Was killed off after Titans East but somehow survived and attended her own funeral. Likes to pull practical jokes with Jason Todd.

Enigma- The Riddler's Daughter. Nobody knows anything about her. Or cares really. Member of Titans East.

Evil Cass- The version of Cass that appeared in Robin. Is either wearing a "Lil' Shiva" outfit or a Batgirl cowl with a monocle and glowing red eyes. While evil, she isn't particularly bright, despite her wordiness. Quite possibly a schizophrenic fractured personality of Cass.

Boba Fett- Bounty Hunter and acquaintance of Cass.

The Flash- Was Bart Allen, formerly Impulse, who was ludicrously emo. He died, and was replaced by the guy he replaced, Wally West. yeah, it makes no sense to me either.

Forerunner- Intergalactic Mary-Sue from Countdown.

Talia al Ghul- Daughter of the dead immortal R'as al Ghul and frustrated mother of Damien, the possible Anti-Christ. Like most superhero/supervillain parents, she has to deal with her child being constantly kidnapped, though in this case they usually bring Damien right back cause...well, he's Damien.

Green Arrow- Man-Whore and Commie Pinko extrordinaire. Waits till they're 18-unless they're an alien.

The [[Goddamn Batman]]- A harder, meaner, drinkinger and Goddamner version of Batman from the 80's. A new issue of his book is put out once a year. He has stubble and likes to eat rats. Once killed by Deadpool (through subterfuge and with help from DiDio) but mysteriously ressurected off-panel. His day job is working at a day care center for the children of superpersons.

The Goddamn Wonder Woman— Hates all men. Or anybody who likes men. Except for when she randomly kisses Superman. At least she’s a woman Miller has written who’s not a whore though!

Barbara Gordon- Formerly Batgirl, currently Oracle. Although surly at times (particularly when dressed as a Dalek), she's Cass's surrogate sister. Believed to secretly worship the Old Ones. Currently dating Ted Kord, the dead Blue Beetle.

Gorilla Grodd— Is not amused by hugs.

Henchie- Cass's Henchman. Mainly used in menial chores. Despite Ninja outfit, he's British. He accidentally went to Oz in a hot air balloon trip gone wrong, and now works as a talent agent for comic characters.

Henchman X- The evil version of Henchie

Jonah Hex- Western Bounty Hunter displaced from time by Cass.

Hippolyta- Queen of the Amazons. Attacking America for irrational reasons that can only be explained as Editorial Mandate. Could be persuaded to stop for Hostess Cakes.

Road Hogg- A pig/human type thing, this past character from Cass's series crashed at her place, only to start living with Supergirl after a backfired rape attempt.

Huntress- Bird of Prey and Cass's friend. They often drink Tea together and discuss current events.

Inertia- Bart Allen's nemesis and clone, and a member of Titans East. Has a slight crush on Cass but now dates Sungirl.

Iron Man- Drunken Womanizer and advocate for Superhero registration. Put Cass in charage of the Kansas Initiative.

Geoff Johns— Overworked DC writer. He’s sometimes portrayed as gleefully following DiDio’s orders to sometimes sympathizing with the characters. Recently had his face ripped off by Kyle Rayner, though it is most likely not permanent.

Hal Jordan- The foremost Green Lantern, the Halmeister gets by on his rugged good looks and his 50's style charm. In reality, he's a racist Man-Whore who hasn't got with the times.

Bette Kane- Technically a former Batgirl (Although most won't admit it), Cass repeatedly exacts revenge on this poor doofus to make herself feel better. Apparently immortal.

The Kansas Initiative— Consists of Jay the Jayhawk, Willy the Wildcat, and WuShock, all inept mascots. One of the reserve members is Glinda the Good Witch.

Kid Crusader- Formerly Choirboy, member of Titans East. Fanatic religious nut. Has helped Cass on several occasions but mostly enjoys smiting Kid Devil.

Kid Devil- Member of the Teen Titans. One of few non-fanatical Catholics in comics. Unfortunately he only became religious after selling his soul to the devil. Still better off than Nightwing.

Knockout— Big breasted bisexual member of the Secret Six.

The resurrected corpse of Blue Beetle, Ted Kord- With Band-Aid on head. Currently dating Barbara Gordon.

Selina Kyle- The first Catwoman. Likes to sleep with her boyfriends' sons. Mad at DiDio for giving her a baby without Bruce as its father. Hey, she should be happy! I mean, look how Damien turned out!

Lady Shiva- Cass's mum. Will beat up anybody who besmirches her daughter’s honor. And occasionally she’ll beat up her daughter too.

The League of Cass Villains- A group of mediocre villains that Cass faced: Rigor Mortis- A stiffened corpse, Miss Fire- A near sighted pyrokinetic, and Gelatin Man- The name pretty much describes him, but he's Scottish.

Stan Lee- Oddly enough, was bald in his first appearance, than had hair in subsequent appearances

Lobo- Fraggin' Bastitch who was Cass's rival for the Pope-hood. After a vicious Holy War they came to a truce.

Love Cass- A robotic nymphomaniac version of Cass in a bikini and an increased bustline. A world famous porn star and able to outsex every last Doombot.

The Mad Hatter— Loves hats. Sexually. Former member of the Secret Six.

Mary Marvel- Sweet, innocent, naive and doesn't know what a lesbian is. Of course that means in the DiDioverse she has to be corrupted and seduced.

Match- Bizarro clone of Superboy, member of Titans East. Has dated Duela Dent and Enigma.

Terry McGinnis— Batman Beyond. The object of Cass’s deepest, most passionate fantasies.

Midnighter and Apollo- Comics’ leading gay couple.

Misfit— Quirky teleporter and secretly Jimmy Olsen in drag.

Miss Martian- Horribly cute Teen Titan that every sexual deviant on the JLA wants a piece of. Cass taught them a lesson though. Will likely turn evil within the next decade. Has “Super Water Breath.”

Misty- Zatanna's goth apprentice and princess of the Sheeda. She sent Tim to the TG universe after he hit on the Goths.

The Monitors- Guardians of the 52 universes. Despite their elevated situation in life, still use guns to kill.

Grant Morisson— Possibly overrated meta-textual comic book writer for DC.

'Mystery Villain'- Recurring evil force focused on destroying Cass. Turned out to be Access [see Access]

[[Nightwing]]- Former Robin. He is either a manic depressant or hopelessly emo. No one really bothered to do a proper diagnosis. No matter how bad you got things, you're still better off than Nightwing.

The Devil - AKA [[Jimmy Olsen]]- Hates Cass and all her daughters. Likes to dress in girls' clothing.

Alfred Pennyworth- Batman's Butler. So incredibly English. Only member of the Batfamily with a known age.

Power Girl— Her eyes are not on her chest.

The Punisher– Thinks he’s Captain America.

Harley Quinn— Villainess friend of Cass and abused girlfriend of The Joker. A few cards short of a deck. Member of the Secret Six.

Kyle Rayner- Green Lantern who keeps getting women stuck in his fridge. Currently evil. Tried to extract revenge upon Geoff Johns Cass-style but it was overkill.

Ragdoll— Member of the Secret Six. He’s got no man parts.

Raven- Has the misfortune of having Damien Scott as artist. Also has an ass so beautiful it can bend the minds of men to her very whim. This is also known as the “hypnoass”.

Risk- Had his arm torn off by Superboy Prime. The brunt of many one-armed jokes. Member of Titans East.

Jaime Reyes - The third Blue Beetle. Can usually be found having madcap and nonsensical adventures with Deadpool. Dreams of being a dentist.

Rorschach- Hrrrm.

Vic Sage- News anchor and Objectivist hero, the Question. Knows the truth about Aglets. Faked his own death and is alive and well hiding in Cass's apartment. Knows that A is always A.

Scandal— Person first, lesbian second. A member of the Secret Six and a part of DiDio's lesbian entourage.

The Scarlet Witch— Marvel’s #1 insane retconner. Had a one night stand with Superboy Prime that produced Witch Prime.

Secret- Former member of Young Justice. Could spontaneously combust at any moment.

The Secret Six- Consisting of Catman, Scandal, Deadshot, Ragdoll, Knockout, and Mad Hatter. Harley Quinn has since replaced Mad Hatter. Cass desperately wants to be a part of this team, but will never be allowed to be.

The Shade- Cool anti-hero and anti-rape advocate. Once tried to have Dankor burned as a witch.

Gail Simone- Is never seen, just her doorstep. One of the few non-villainified DC writers. In real life she’s a Casstoon fan.

Sin, AKA Cass Jr.- Adopted daughter of Black Canary, Cass gave Sin a miniature Batgirl cowl of her very own. Will most very likely be killed for dramatic shock effect.

Sinestro- Cass's teacher in EVIL! Currently trying to destroy the multiverse.

Skeets- Robotic sidekick and Pimp. Was briefly possessed by a giant killer butterfly.

Spider Jerusalem- Futuristic journalist also displaced from time by Cass.

Spider-Man- possibly brainwashed by Tony. Likes Jell-O. Married to a supermodel yet hates his life.

Starfire- Photosynthetic nymphomaniac samurai xenomorph. Has adventures in space with Animal Man and Adam Strange. Sex with her is the only thing in the world that can even temporarily cure Nightwing's depression.

Sungirl- Likes to burn stuff. Member of Titans East.

Superboy- Was kept alive as a preserved head by Tim, until revived by dark magic. He's now a head on a giant robotic body—which is fine by him because he can wear jeans again. Currently dating Stephanie Brown.

Superboy Prime- Punch-happy lunatic from another universe. Often called upon in moments of dire need by Cass. Had a one night stand with the Scarlet Witch, producing an offspring whose powers were based entirely around retcons.

[[Supergirl]]- A horrid bitch. Supergirl has become a serial rapist, and often comes to blows with Cass over different subjects, such as how calling Supergirl a one-dimensional character is a compliment. She is trying to become a better person, but it usually depends on the writer and/or what drugs she's on.

Superman- A dick. During a psychotic rampage, Cass smacked him with a kryptonite hammer. Has no idea who Superboy is anymore.

Taskmaster— Memorized Cass’s combat moves and used them to terrorize Deadpool.

The TG-Verse- Many Transgendered version of aforementioned characters, such as Tina for Tim, Cassian for Cass, and Rico for Raven. Their Green Arrow and Green Lantern are a monogamous lesbian couple.

Thanos- Marvel's version of Darkseid (Or vice-versa, whichever came first). He also got his hand broken by Cass.

Leslie Thompkins- bitchy and insane murderer-by-proxy. Willing to perform Lobotomies.

Titans East- Cass's former super team that consists mostly of boneheads. Members include Slade Wilson (Deathstroke), Batgirl (Cass), Duela Dent, Enigma, Kid Crusader, Match, Inertia, Risk, and Sungirl.

Jason Todd- Former Robin, former corpse. Cass has twice one-punched him for trying to usurp the Batgirl role. Likes to dress up as random superheroes and play practical jokes on people with Duela Dent. Has a starring role in the current Countdown.

Donna Troy- Has no idea who she is or what the hell she's doing. Often holds a machine gun.

The Watchers- Marvel's versions of the Monitors. Can only watch, not interfere. Mock the Monitors' use of archaic weaponry. Cass was briefly a Watcher, but quickly quit the job.

Rose Wilson- Cass's one-time rival and current Teen Titan. One of Tim's girls. Might just possibly take it in the eye socket. You know what “it” is…

Witch Prime— Love child of Superboy Prime and the Scarlet Witch. Has “Retcon Vision”. He now fixes wrong pages on Wikipedia.

Wolverine- Semi-omnipotent superhero with claws. Horribly, horribly, horribly short. A member of every Marvel superhero team ever.

[[Wonder Girl]]- Cassandra Sandsmark. Teen Titan and one of Tim's girls. Hopelessly emo, she's usually crying over her dead boyfriend Superboy, who has ironically been resurrected already. Cassie is oblivious to this fact.

Wonder Woman- Gets her lasso stolen regularly. Assaulted Frank Miller once. Was NOT the subject of a 48-page rape comic.

X-23- Definite Wolverine clone and possible Cass clone from Marvel. The two girls were amalgamated by Access.

Professor Charles Xavier- Bald telepath. Explained to Cass the intracite flip-flops of the Marvel Universe. Actively sabotages DC Sales.

Zatanna- Slept with Hal Jordan as part of a deal involving a mindwipe, after Hal saw Miss Martian turn into a naked Green Arrow. Now shagging Constantine.

'''Cameo or minor reoccurring characters'''

Al from Quantum Leap- Likes to leer at Cass's breasts. Sent her home after having his manhood threatened.

Iris Allen- Bart Allen's grandmother. FUN FACT: Uses the same model as Helena Sandsmark, with different colors.

Aquaman- Even lamer than Brokenman.

Ares- God of War. Likes to watch Wonder Girl when she doesn't know it...

The Atom- One of the best minds in the DCU. Has been hiding with the Fraggles in Cass's apartment since Identity Crisis.

“The Batman” Joker- Killed by the real Joker. Yay!

Bat-Mite- Batman's #1 fan from the 5th dimension. Is smitten with Cass.

Black Adam- BLACK ADAM SMASH! Popular slash pairing with the Hulk.

Black Cat– Spider-Man’s Catwoman. Now with 80% more cleavage.

Carol Buckley- Bart Allen's childhood girlfriend DiDio conveniently had forgotten. Appeared at Bart's funeral.

Cable- Liefeldian character and Deadpool's buddy. Is pissed off that Wade left their book and started living next to Cass.

Captain America- Supports Anti-drug groups, despite getting his very powers from drugs. He’s dead now, did’ja hear?

Captain Nazi— Hates freedom.

The Catholic Space-Marines- A trio of cardinals who were so disappointed by Cass' decisions as the pope that they tried to take rid of her while she was busy fighting Lobo. They failed. One was Irish (and possibly gay), the second was from the Miller-verse, and the last one was Nightcrawler, despite being called Roberto.

Jesse Chambers- Formerly Jesse Quick, currently Liberty Belle. Apparantly decided to get a codename that didn't reveal her civilian ID.

Cheshire— Insane assassin who likes to get pregnant. Mother of Roy Harper's daughter.

Chicken Boo- He wears a disguise to look like human guys, but you're not a man, you're a chicken boo!

The Chief- Leader of the Doom Patrol and all-around asshole.

Grace Choi- Outsider and bi!slut. Likes to drink and curse. Not surprisingly, created by Judd Winick.

Cir-El- The Supergirl before Kara. Has a Teutonic accent because she always looks so butch and buff. Most people either don't know about her or have blocked her from their memories.

Cthulhu- Think of a tentacle-rape monster with the Power Cosmic. Cthulhu is a Great Old One who has risen unopposed and eaten some ate some Miskatonic University students.

Jesse Custer- Texan Preacher with the voice of God.

Cyborg- Half man, half machine. Used to fill panel space in Geoff John's "Teen Titans" run. Hasn't had a personality since the 80s.

Cyclops- Dick. Banged Emma Frost on his wife's grave.

Dalek- World dominating mutants in robotic suits from Dr. Who. One usually appears in Casstoons as a representation of Espanolbot, the regular Casstoon artist. Cass and Tim also forced Barbara Gordon to dress as one for Halloween.

Dr. Doom— Lusted for Evil Cass, before Love Cass wore him out. Oh, and evil dictator yadda yadda yadda.

Dream (Daniel)- Death's brother and Cass's English tutor.

Dust- Member of the New X-Men. Wears a form fitting burka.

The Earth- Almost committed suicide once it found out there were ''two'' Kara Zor-Els on Earth!

Egg Fu- GAY FOR EVERYONE!

Elektra– Is a ninja.

The Fraggles- Tiny singing Muppets. A colony lives in a hole in Cass's apartment.

Jay Garrick- Golden Age Flash. Has a kickass hat.

Guy Gardner- The best Green Lantern ever, behind G’nort.

The Goon- Dark Horse character. Just a thug, you mook.

Roy Harper— Red Arrow, formerly Arsenal. Former junkie and chronic changer of costumes. His daughter gets kidnapped a lot.

Connor Hawke— The second Green Arrow and bastard son of Ollie. In love with his father’s young ward.

The Halian Brotherhood- A group formed of various hypothetical sons of Hal Jordan, created only for the sole purpose of seducing and abusing the Cass daughters (see below). They all look almost identical because of the Halmeister's dominant genes, and are all Green Lanterns. Are either the sons of regular women, or of various super-heroines. Notable members are Halpha (son of Hal and of the TG Hal from the Jeph Loeb zone), Dark Haired Hal (much smarter than his half-brothers), He-Halk (son of Hal and She-Hulk), Khal Jordan-El (son of Hal and Kara Zor-El), Green Wizard (son of Hal and Scarlet Witch), Dr Lantern (son of Hal and of Dr Light... The Japanese one, not the crazy rapist), Hal Duck (yes, Hal has all the perversions you can imagine) and Halina (see the Legion of Future Cass Daughters). Are currently banished in the Shadow Realm.

Hellboy– Sounds like Slade.

Henchia- A female Henchie. Very little is known about her besides the fact that she's a little too helpful.

Heroes for Hire- Mistaken by Cass for an S&M club.

Hulk- Hulk invade Earth. Hulk smash puny Rubber Man, Tin Man and Bald Man. Why they send Hulk away? Why they kill Hulk's wife? Grrr. Hulk make them pay.

J. Jonah Jameson- Hot headed editor. Hated by Spider Jerusalem.

Jade- The golden age Green Lantern's daughter. Currently dead and in Kyle Rayner's fridge. Was the Wicked Witch of the West in Cass's trip to Oz. Not She-Hulk no matter what anybody says.

The Joker- Psychotic clown. Killed the lame Joker from 'The Batman'. Tries to shoot Cass every day, like clockwork.

J'onn J'onzz- Manhunter from Mars obsessed with Oreo ripoff cookies Chocos. Winick wants to turn him gay.

The Goddamn Hal Jordan— Horribly whipped and mild-mannered Green Lantern. A shame to all other alternate Halmeisters.

Katana- Outsider and samurai. Winick made her a drunk.

Johnathan and Martha Kent- Superman's parents, and also dicks. Held Wonder Girl at shotgun-point when she got banged by Conner, ''possibly'' creating an alternate timeline somewhere.

Silver Age Lois Lane— Actually did some reporting when she wasn’t attempting to reveal Superman’s secret identity or marry him.

Leslie, the Cablinasian Hermaphrodite— A multicultural replacement character. Briefly was Booster Gold and Supernova.

The Living Tribunal- Resided over the Multi-phasic Court. Once served time in the British Parliament.

Maxwell Lord- randomly turned evil then killed. Still better off than Nightwing.

Matrix- Gloop of shape shifting protoplasmic goo from a pocket dimension with a good Lex Luthor before coming to DC's dimension and starting over. *gasp, gasp, wheeze* Oh! And may or may not exist anymore.

Metamorpho- Elemental man. If Winick had his way he wouldn't be able to quit J'onn J'onzz.

Miho- Cass's Ninja contemporary from Sin City and current champion of intercompany tournament (Only because Cass didn't compete though).

Mirage- Member of the Minor Titans Union. Once raped Nightwing... yeah yeah, join the club.

Mogo- Sentient Green Lantern planet. Once persuaded the Earth not to commit suicide.

Monarch- Reused character name from Countdown that's supposed to be mysterious but just ended up plain boring.

Renee Montoya- Lesbian cop and the new Question. Yes, you heard me right...

Mr. Terrific- One of the best scientific minds in the DCU. Discovered DiDio's diversity vision.

Murmer— Psychotic serial killer and Flash rogue with a stitched mouth. The singer—and sadly, most talented member—in Tim’s band.

Obsidian- Alan Scott's son. He's one of a few gay male DC characters. Occasionally insane.

Aunt May Parker— Unintentionally poisons her nephew’s friends on a semi-regular basis.

Valerie Perez- Took Bart Allen's virginity. Appeared at his funeral.

Pied Piper- Former Flash rogue and another of the few gay males in the DCU. Likes to play the flute *snicker*

Power Boy- Only male hero ever with a boob hole. Was a psycho stalker and it got him assaulted by the Supergirls.

Red Star- Russian Titan and member of the Minor Titans Union.

Holly Robinson- Lesbian and one of the current Catwomen.

Robotman- Member of the Doom Patrol and John Byrne hater.

Rose Tyler- Dr. Who's sidekick.

Maggie Sawyer- Another Lesbian cop.

Helena Sandsmark- Wonder Girl's mother. Ignored for more Conner angst. FUN FACT: Uses the same model as Iris Allen, though with different colors.

The Scarecrow- Fear-based Batman villain. Fittingly played the "Scarecrow" in the Casstoons "Wizard of Oz" parody.

The Scooby Doo Gang— Cass spent the missing year with them.

Alan Scott- Original Green Lantern. Cass once smacked him with a tree branch.

She-Hulk- She's a strong, independent woman, damnit. She doesn't need to be in a relationship to give her life meaning. So what if she has lots of one-night stands and quick, physical relationships. It's just a sign of her independence and equality of gender. Right??? She happens to be a lawyer.

Skeletor and Evil Warriors- Tri-Klops, Mer-Man, et. Al. Cass once was sold to their world. They’re all incompetent.

Stargirl- Still in the JSA.

Steel- One of the best scientific minds in the DCU. Discovered DiDio's Diversity Vision.

Silver Age Supergirl- Put the modern Supergirl on trial for the right to exist. Lost because of editorial mandate. This arc was later paralleled in the actual comics. The outcome was the same.

Surge- Member of the New X-Men.

Tempest- He was Aqualad, dammit! A founding Titan yet still considered unimportant.

The cast of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles— Enlisted Cass to their cause briefly.

Terra II- Killed by Black Adam, and still complains post-mortum. How did she survive? Well, nobody knows how she was even created, so we'll plead the fifth.

Meloni Thawne- Bart Allen's mother, appeared at his funeral. Bart obviously got his hair from her side of the family.

Thunder- Outsider and Grace Choi's girlfriend. Has no personality other than being gay and having daddy issues, which is to say, she has more personality than Batwoman.

V- He remembers, remembers, the fifth of November. He sees no reason the Gunpowder Treason should ever be forgot.

Various versions of Cass (Such as a Liefeldian Cass)

Wally West- Was the Flash. Replaced by Bart Allen. Then replaced Bart Allen. Yeahbuhwhat?

Judd Winick- Former Real World-er and DC writer who likes to turn his characters gay and/or give them AIDS. Referenced quite often- only appeared once, and off panel at that.

XS- Legionnaire Cousin of Bart Allen, appeared at his funeral. Possibly erased from history.

Zapp Rowsdower- Canadian actor from the "smash hit" action thriller "Final Sacrifice", lampooned on MST3K. Filled the position of the "Tin Man" in the Wizard of Oz Parody because he had beer.

'''The Society of Future Cass Daughters'''

Batgirl Beyond- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Terry McGinnis. Just a wee bit ditsy. Failed to get into the Legion of Cass Daughters.

Cade Wilson- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Deathstrike. Evil and raided the Legion's file room for mysterious reasons.

Cassa Fett- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Boba Fett. Member of the Meter Maid Guild. Tends to get eaten by Sarlaccs a lot. Failed to get into the Legion of Cass Daughters.

Cassbo— The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Lobo. An archbishop at the First Celestial Refried Triple-Fish God Church and Truck Stop.

Goldie- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Booster Gold. Will do anything for a promotion deal. Founding member of the Legion of Cass Daughters.

Halina Jordan— The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Hal Jordan. Every bit the sexual deviant of her father, though a brilliant super hero and an entrepreneur.

Irina Schwab, CPA- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Ambush Bug. Works for the IRS. Words can not describe how boring she is. Not depressed like Nightwing, but dreadfully, dreadfully dull. Failed to get into the Legion of Cass Daughters.

Josie Hex— The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Jonah Hex. Can spit with perfect aim.

Lil' Cassie Wilson- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Deadpool. Leads the League of Cass Daughters.

Nina the Kryptonian Ninja- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Superboy. For some reason, she speaks Japanese as a primary language. Founding member of the Legion of Cass-Daughters.

Obscurity- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and The Shade. Her real name is Cassiopea Swift-Cain. Well-educated, mysterious, martial artist, and mistress of darkness. Has once sent the entire Halian Brotherhood in the Shadow Realm.

Query- Hypothetical daughter of Cass and The Question. Likes to look at people’s underwear.

Skats- Supposedly Skeets's daughter and Goldie's sidekick. Can also be used as a phone.

Spider-Girl— May Parker, the possible daughter of Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson. Claimed to be a daughter of Cass to make entry to the Society but failed.

Tonya— Hypothetical daughter of Tony Stark—the Iron Man—and Cass. An alcoholic at the age of six!

Vickie von Doom- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Dr. Doom. Received her doctorate at the Yellow Claw's Manicurist Academy. Failed to get into the Legion of Cass Daughters.

There is also a standard character model that Espanolbot uses frequently when a minor character (Such as a doctor or a shopkeep, for instance) is needed, rather than drawing a new one each time.

[[Category:Superdickery Related]]
[[Category:Comics Related]]

Casstoons

Pivitor — Sun, 08 Jul 2007 18:59:55 GMT

Pivitor: /* Characters and People that have appeared in the Casstoons */

'''Casstoons''' is the name of a stripcomic, drawn by [[EspanolBot]], and written by [[Drink]], although other writers (such as [[Ing]] or [[Justin Carr]]) have contributed to it. It describes the diverse misadventures of Cassandra Cain, the third [[Batgirl]], and Tim Drake, the third [[Robin]], the vast majority of those dealing with the recent editorial decision of DC to make Cass evil.

In a moment of rage following the release of Robin #150, where that storyline began, Drink and Espanolbot, notorious members of the [[Cass Cult]], made a small strip where Cass rips DiDio's face off. If you ask almost anyone, he deserved it.

After this first try, the two members continued to make strips about that editorial decision, always giving Cassandra Cain the major role. Soon, the strips diverged to include other DC characters (and more recently Marvel and Vertigo ones) and to concentrate on other storylines, not necessarily linked to Cass and Tim. The two characters, however, always appear in the strips.

Most characters in the Casstoons are either parodies or caricatures of their comic versions. For example, [[Hal Jordan]] is extremely offensive towards women and minorities, and Iron Man is portrayed with a Martini in hand, a jab at his past as an alcoholic. Cass herself has committed ann increasingly horrific series of murders in her desperation to become 'good' again.

The Casstoons have also produced a daughter comic of sorts featuring Booster Gold in addition to Cass, produced entirely by [[HotAndCold]], who usually uses the comic to express her rage at the handling of Booster in 52.

Casstoons became the most important attraction of the Cass Cain appreciation thread in a matter of weeks. It has also been successfully presented to the official DC message boards and other noteable forums.

==Characters and People that have appeared in the Casstoons==

'''Main Characters'''

Cassandra Cain- The most recent Batgirl. Was turned evil after OYL with no logic involved, and in a fit of rage ripped off DC Editor Dan DiDio's face. Thus began Cass's adventures in Casstoons, as she desperately tries to become good again, find steady work, or just survive sharing an apartment with Tim Drake. She is one of the few who can see the absurdity around her and is often the voice of reason. She is also the Pope of the Catholic Church and the Boxing Champion of the World.

[[Tim Drake]]- The current Robin, and a womanizing dick. Despite his less than pleasant personality he is still usually seen associating with Cass, and she even let him move in her apartment after Damien took over Wayne Manor. He is currently dating Cassie Sandsmark, Rose Wilson, and Mia Dearden (Despite her HIV), often all at once. Tim Drake doesn't ''like'' country music.

Stephanie Brown- Cass's best friend and former costumed hero the Spoiler. Was killed senselessly in the War Games crossover, but Cass made a pseudo-alive scarecrow replica of Stephanie, inspired by 52. She was revived briefly when Tim dabbled in dark magic, then permanently by Death itself. She now lives with Cass and Tim and shares their adventures. She's dating the revived Superboy and works as a secret agent.

'''Reoccurring Characters'''

(In alphabetical order by last name...or code name. You should find who you're looking for under one or the other...)

Access- The guardian over the doorway to DC and Marvel. Access had a vendetta against Cass due to her liberal passage through the universes. Once successfully masqueraded as Evil Cass, which only worked due to Tim’s stupidity.

Adam Strange- Travels space with Animal Man and Starfire. Formerly blind and surly. No longer blind, but still surly.

Animal Man— “Cosmically aware” family man. Stays safe because he knows where his writer lives—and isn’t afraid to do a little mafia-style negotiating.

Arrowette- Sole Young Justice surviving member and possible bastard child of Green Arrow. She’s probably better off that way.

[[Batman]]- Ultimate Superhero. Has the uncanny powers of forgetting his female sidekicks and kidnapping children. He only acknowledges that Batgirl exists when someone mentions her; he's forgotten Spoiler entirely.

Batwoman- She's a lesbian, in case you didn't hear. In fact, it's almost all she ever says. Kinda like a Pokemon.

Beast Boy- Former Teen Titans who hangs out with the main characters. Cass often injures him in one way or another. Slade did Terra in his bed. Drummer of Tim’s band, as an Octopus.

Adam Beechen- The writer who did the story in which Cass went evil. For his own safety, he is rarely shown in the same panel as Cass. He's a rabid Tim Drake fanboy and in all his stories Tim wins by miraculous duex ex machina--even if Tim was not a main character.

Black Canary- Bird of Prey and Cass's friend. Bastardized by Winick back into a damsel in distress.

Brain and Monsiour Mallah- A living brain in a jar. A super-intelligent French gorilla. '''OTP.'''

Booster Gold— Money loving superhero from the future. All the ladies think he has a glorious ass. He was briefly replaced by a Cablinasian hermaphrodite and forced to wear a barrel.

David Cain- Cass's dad. Obsessed with breeding his daughter with eligible bachelors.

Captain Marvel- His "Wisdom of Solomon" has been on the fritz lately.

Captain Marvel Jr.— Bassist of Tim’s band eternally stuck in the fifties. Now undergoing magical trials that make him forget everybody he cares about.

Catman— A little too friendly with Deadshot, if you know what I mean. Member of the Secret Six.

John Constantine- Chainsmoking English magician. Appears occasionally in Casstoons that involve the occult in some fashion. Currently shagging Zatanna.

Damian/Ibn Al Xu'ffacsh- The bastard son of Batman. Possibly the Anti-Christ.

Dan DiDio- Main Editor and essentially the "God" of DC. After he dictated that Batgirl turn evil Cass tore his face off in pure rage. Thanks to some post-reconstructive surgery, he has been reborn as Dankor, based on the villain from Prince of Space. He loves Lesbians and hates the nineties and fun. He also has Diversity Vision.

Linda Danvers— The “Good” Supergirl.

Darkseid- New God. Got his hand broke during Handshake with Cass (Much to her own disbelief).

[[Deadpool]]- Merc with the Mouth and Cass's neighbor at her apartment complex. The two have become friends and often go on adventures together, whether to another dimension or just down to the Pizza Joint on the corner. Often has madcap and nonsensical adventures with the new Blue Beetle, Jaime Reyes.

Deadshot— A little too friendly with Catman, if you know what I mean. Member of the Secret Six.

Mia Dearden— The current Speedy. She has HIV, though it doesn’t seem to affect her or anybody she sleeps with at all. One of Tim’s girlfriends and a former Titan.

Death- Goth and guide to recently deceased souls. Has given Hal and Ollie a free ticket to come back to life after they groped her. Also revived Steph.

Deathstroke- Slade Wilson. Pedophile and leader of the Titans East. He is older than dust. In the CassToons he wears his costume from The Teen Titans Animated series. Because black is a lot cooler than blue scale male.

Ralph Dibny & Dr. Fate helmet- Stretchy hero who's out of his goddamn mind and helmet of a dead hero who he talks to. Turns out he was never insane and now he’s dead and we all feel bad. Solves mysteries with his Ghost Wife, Sue.

Dr. Light- Rapist who was banished to the Shadow realm by the Shade, then raped by Supergirl. He then turned himself in after the ironic rape.

Duela Dent- Lunatic that's possibly the daughter of a supervillain, and member of Titans East. Was killed off after Titans East but somehow survived and attended her own funeral. Likes to pull practical jokes with Jason Todd.

Enigma- The Riddler's Daughter. Nobody knows anything about her. Or cares really. Member of Titans East.

Evil Cass- The version of Cass that appeared in Robin. Is either wearing a "Lil' Shiva" outfit or a Batgirl cowl with a monocle and glowing red eyes. While evil, she isn't particularly bright, despite her wordiness. Quite possibly a schizophrenic fractured personality of Cass.

Boba Fett- Bounty Hunter and acquaintance of Cass.

The Flash- Was Bart Allen, formerly Impulse, who was ludicrously emo. He died, and was replaced by the guy he replaced, Wally West. yeah, it makes no sense to me either.

Forerunner- Intergalactic Mary-Sue from Countdown.

Talia al Ghul- Daughter of the dead immortal R'as al Ghul and frustrated mother of Damien, the possible Anti-Christ. Like most superhero/supervillain parents, she has to deal with her child being constantly kidnapped, though in this case they usually bring Damien right back cause...well, he's Damien.

Green Arrow- Man-Whore and Commie Pinko extrordinaire. Waits till they're 18-unless they're an alien.

The [[Goddamn Batman]]- A harder, meaner, drinkinger and Goddamner version of Batman from the 80's. A new issue of his book is put out once a year. He has stubble and likes to eat rats. Once killed by Deadpool (through subterfuge and with help from DiDio) but mysteriously ressurected off-panel. His day job is working at a day care center for the children of superpersons.

The Goddamn Wonder Woman— Hates all men. Or anybody who likes men. Except for when she randomly kisses Superman. At least she’s a woman Miller has written who’s not a whore though!

Barbara Gordon- Formerly Batgirl, currently Oracle. Although surly at times (particularly when dressed as a Dalek), she's Cass's surrogate sister. Believed to secretly worship the Old Ones. Currently dating Ted Kord, the dead Blue Beetle.

Gorilla Grodd— Is not amused by hugs.

Henchie- Cass's Henchman. Mainly used in menial chores. Despite Ninja outfit, he's British. He accidentally went to Oz in a hot air balloon trip gone wrong, and now works as a talent agent for comic characters.

Henchman X- The evil version of Henchie

Jonah Hex- Western Bounty Hunter displaced from time by Cass.

Hippolyta- Queen of the Amazons. Attacking America for irrational reasons that can only be explained as Editorial Mandate. Could be persuaded to stop for Hostess Cakes.

Road Hogg- A pig/human type thing, this past character from Cass's series crashed at her place, only to start living with Supergirl after a backfired rape attempt.

Huntress- Bird of Prey and Cass's friend. They often drink Tea together and discuss current events.

Inertia- Bart Allen's nemesis and clone, and a member of Titans East. Has a slight crush on Cass but now dates Sungirl.

Iron Man- Drunken Womanizer and advocate for Superhero registration. Put Cass in charage of the Kansas Initiative.

Geoff Johns— Overworked DC writer. He’s sometimes portrayed as gleefully following DiDio’s orders to sometimes sympathizing with the characters. Recently had his face ripped off by Kyle Rayner, though it is most likely not permanent.

Hal Jordan- The foremost Green Lantern, the Halmeister gets by on his rugged good looks and his 50's style charm. In reality, he's a racist Man-Whore who hasn't got with the times.

Bette Kane- Technically a former Batgirl (Although most won't admit it), Cass repeatedly exacts revenge on this poor doofus to make herself feel better. Apparently immortal.

The Kansas Initiative— Consists of Jay the Jayhawk, Willy the Wildcat, and WuShock, all inept mascots. One of the reserve members is Glinda the Good Witch.

Kid Crusader- Formerly Choirboy, member of Titans East. Fanatic religious nut. Has helped Cass on several occasions but mostly enjoys smiting Kid Devil.

Kid Devil- Member of the Teen Titans. One of few non-fanatical Catholics in comics. Unfortunately he only became religious after selling his soul to the devil. Still better off than Nightwing.

Knockout— Big breasted bisexual member of the Secret Six.

The resurrected corpse of Blue Beetle, Ted Kord- With Band-Aid on head. Currently dating Barbara Gordon.

Selina Kyle- The first Catwoman. Likes to sleep with her boyfriends' sons. Mad at DiDio for giving her a baby without Bruce as its father. Hey, she should be happy! I mean, look how Damien turned out!

Lady Shiva- Cass's mum. Will beat up anybody who besmirches her daughter’s honor. And occasionally she’ll beat up her daughter too.

The League of Cass Villains- A group of mediocre villains that Cass faced: Rigor Mortis- A stiffened corpse, Miss Fire- A near sighted pyrokinetic, and Gelatin Man- The name pretty much describes him, but he's Scottish.

Stan Lee- Oddly enough, was bald in his first appearance, than had hair in subsequent appearances

Lobo- Fraggin' Bastitch who was Cass's rival for the Pope-hood. After a vicious Holy War they came to a truce.

Love Cass- A robotic nymphomaniac version of Cass in a bikini and an increased bustline. A world famous porn star and able to outsex every last Doombot.

The Mad Hatter— Loves hats. Sexually. Former member of the Secret Six.

Mary Marvel- Sweet, innocent, naive and doesn't know what a lesbian is. Of course that means in the DiDioverse she has to be corrupted and seduced.

Match- Bizarro clone of Superboy, member of Titans East. Has dated Duela Dent and Enigma.

Terry McGinnis— Batman Beyond. The object of Cass’s deepest, most passionate fantasies.

Midnighter and Apollo- Comics’ leading gay couple.

Misfit— Quirky teleporter and secretly Jimmy Olsen in drag.

Miss Martian- Horribly cute Teen Titan that every sexual deviant on the JLA wants a piece of. Cass taught them a lesson though. Will likely turn evil within the next decade. Has “Super Water Breath.”

Misty- Zatanna's goth apprentice and princess of the Sheeda. She sent Tim to the TG universe after he hit on the Goths.

The Monitors- Guardians of the 52 universes. Despite their elevated situation in life, still use guns to kill.

Grant Morisson— Possibly overrated meta-textual comic book writer for DC.

'Mystery Villain'- Recurring evil force focused on destroying Cass. Turned out to be Access [see Access]

[[Nightwing]]- Former Robin. He is either a manic depressant or hopelessly emo. No one really bothered to do a proper diagnosis. No matter how bad you got things, you're still better off than Nightwing.

The Devil - AKA [[Jimmy Olsen]]- Hates Cass and all her daughters. Likes to dress in girls' clothing.

Alfred Pennyworth- Batman's Butler. So incredibly English. Only member of the Batfamily with a known age.

Power Girl— Her eyes are not on her chest.

The Punisher– Thinks he’s Captain America.

Harley Quinn— Villainess friend of Cass and abused girlfriend of The Joker. A few cards short of a deck. Member of the Secret Six.

Kyle Rayner- Green Lantern who keeps getting women stuck in his fridge. Currently evil. Tried to extract revenge upon Geoff Johns Cass-style but it was overkill.

Ragdoll— Member of the Secret Six. He’s got no man parts.

Raven- Has the misfortune of having Damien Scott as artist. Also has an ass so beautiful it can bend the minds of men to her very whim. This is also known as the “hypnoass”.

Risk- Had his arm torn off by Superboy Prime. The brunt of many one-armed jokes. Member of Titans East.

Jaime Reyes - The third Blue Beetle. Can usually be found having madcap and nonsensical adventures with Deadpool. Dreams of being a dentist.

Rorschach- Hrrrm.

Vic Sage- News anchor and Objectivist hero, the Question. Knows the truth about Aglets. Faked his own death and is alive and well hiding in Cass's apartment. Knows that A is always A.

Scandal— Person first, lesbian second. A member of the Secret Six and a part of DiDio's lesbian entourage.

The Scarlet Witch— Marvel’s #1 insane retconner. Had a one night stand with Superboy Prime that produced Witch Prime.

Secret- Former member of Young Justice. Could spontaneously combust at any moment.

The Secret Six- Consisting of Catman, Scandal, Deadshot, Ragdoll, Knockout, and Mad Hatter. Harley Quinn has since replaced Mad Hatter. Cass desperately wants to be a part of this team, but will never be allowed to be.

The Shade- Cool anti-hero and anti-rape advocate. Once tried to have Dankor burned as a witch.

Gail Simone- Is never seen, just her doorstep. One of the few non-villainified DC writers. In real life she’s a Casstoon fan.

Sin, AKA Cass Jr.- Adopted daughter of Black Canary, Cass gave Sin a miniature Batgirl cowl of her very own. Will most very likely be killed for dramatic shock effect.

Sinestro- Cass's teacher in EVIL! Currently trying to destroy the multiverse.

Skeets- Robotic sidekick and Pimp. Was briefly possessed by a giant killer butterfly.

Spider Jerusalem- Futuristic journalist also displaced from time by Cass.

Spider-Man- possibly brainwashed by Tony. Likes Jell-O. Married to a supermodel yet hates his life.

Starfire- Photosynthetic nymphomaniac samurai xenomorph. Has adventures in space with Animal Man and Adam Strange. Sex with her is the only thing in the world that can even temporarily cure Nightwing's depression.

Sungirl- Likes to burn stuff. Member of Titans East.

Superboy- Was kept alive as a preserved head by Tim, until revived by dark magic. He's now a head on a giant robotic body—which is fine by him because he can wear jeans again. Currently dating Stephanie Brown.

Superboy Prime- Punch-happy lunatic from another universe. Often called upon in moments of dire need by Cass. Had a one night stand with the Scarlet Witch, producing an offspring whose powers were based entirely around retcons.

[[Supergirl]]- A horrid bitch. Supergirl has become a serial rapist, and often comes to blows with Cass over different subjects, such as how calling Supergirl a one-dimensional character is a compliment. She is trying to become a better person, but it usually depends on the writer and/or what drugs she's on.

Superman- A dick. During a psychotic rampage, Cass smacked him with a kryptonite hammer. Has no idea who Superboy is anymore.

Taskmaster— Memorized Cass’s combat moves and used them to terrorize Deadpool.

The TG-Verse- Many Transgendered version of aforementioned characters, such as Tina for Tim, Cassian for Cass, and Rico for Raven. Their Green Arrow and Green Lantern are a monogamous lesbian couple.

Thanos- Marvel's version of Darkseid (Or vice-versa, whichever came first). He also got his hand broken by Cass.

Leslie Thompkins- bitchy and insane murderer-by-proxy. Willing to perform Lobotomies.

Titans East- Cass's former super team that consists mostly of boneheads. Members include Slade Wilson (Deathstroke), Batgirl (Cass), Duela Dent, Enigma, Kid Crusader, Match, Inertia, Risk, and Sungirl.

Jason Todd- Former Robin, former corpse. Cass has twice one-punched him for trying to usurp the Batgirl role. Likes to dress up as random superheroes and play practical jokes on people with Duela Dent. Has a starring role in the current Countdown.

Donna Troy- Has no idea who she is or what the hell she's doing. Often holds a machine gun.

The Watchers- Marvel's versions of the Monitors. Can only watch, not interfere. Mock the Monitors' use of archaic weaponry. Cass was briefly a Watcher, but quickly quit the job.

Rose Wilson- Cass's one-time rival and current Teen Titan. One of Tim's girls. Might just possibly take it in the eye socket. You know what “it” is…

Witch Prime— Love child of Superboy Prime and the Scarlet Witch. Has “Retcon Vision”. He now fixes wrong pages on Wikipedia.

Wolverine- Semi-omnipotent superhero with claws. Horribly, horribly, horribly short. A member of every Marvel superhero team ever.

[[Wonder Girl]]- Cassandra Sandsmark. Teen Titan and one of Tim's girls. Hopelessly emo, she's usually crying over her dead boyfriend Superboy, who has ironically been resurrected already. Cassie is oblivious to this fact.

Wonder Woman- Gets her lasso stolen regularly. Assaulted Frank Miller once. Was NOT the subject of a 48-page rape comic.

X-23- Definite Wolverine clone and possible Cass clone from Marvel. The two girls were amalgamated by Access.

Professor Charles Xavier- Bald telepath. Explained to Cass the intracite flip-flops of the Marvel Universe. Actively sabotages DC Sales.

Zatanna- Slept with Hal Jordan as part of a deal involving a mindwipe, after Hal saw Miss Martian turn into a naked Green Arrow. Now shagging Constantine.

'''Cameo or minor reoccurring characters'''

Al from Quantum Leap- Likes to leer at Cass's breasts. Sent her home after having his manhood threatened.

Iris Allen- Bart Allen's grandmother. FUN FACT: Uses the same model as Helena Sandsmark, with different colors.

Aquaman- Even lamer than Brokenman.

Ares- God of War. Likes to watch Wonder Girl when she doesn't know it...

The Atom- One of the best minds in the DCU. Has been hiding with the Fraggles in Cass's apartment since Identity Crisis.

“The Batman” Joker- Killed by the real Joker. Yay!

Bat-Mite- Batman's #1 fan from the 5th dimension. Is smitten with Cass.

Black Adam- BLACK ADAM SMASH! Popular slash pairing with the Hulk.

Black Cat– Spider-Man’s Catwoman. Now with 80% more cleavage.

Carol Buckley- Bart Allen's childhood girlfriend DiDio conveniently had forgotten. Appeared at Bart's funeral.

Cable- Liefeldian character and Deadpool's buddy. Is pissed off that Wade left their book and started living next to Cass.

Captain America- Supports Anti-drug groups, despite getting his very powers from drugs. He’s dead now, did’ja hear?

Captain Nazi— Hates freedom.

The Catholic Space-Marines- A trio of cardinals who were so disappointed by Cass' decisions as the pope that they tried to take rid of her while she was busy fighting Lobo. They failed. One was Irish (and possibly gay), the second was from the Miller-verse, and the last one was Nightcrawler, despite being called Roberto.

Jesse Chambers- Formerly Jesse Quick, currently Liberty Belle. Apparantly decided to get a codename that didn't reveal her civilian ID.

Cheshire— Insane assassin who likes to get pregnant. Mother of Roy Harper's daughter.

The Chief- Leader of the Doom Patrol and all-around asshole.

Grace Choi- Outsider and bi!slut. Likes to drink and curse. Not surprisingly, created by Judd Winick.

Cir-El- The Supergirl before Kara. Has a Teutonic accent because she always looks so butch and buff. Most people either don't know about her or have blocked her from their memories.

Cthulhu- Think of a tentacle-rape monster with the Power Cosmic. Cthulhu is a Great Old One who has risen unopposed and eaten some ate some Miskatonic University students.

Jesse Custer- Texan Preacher with the voice of God.

Cyborg- Half man, half machine. Used to fill panel space in Geoff John's "Teen Titans" run. Hasn't had a personality since the 80s.

Cyclops- Dick. Banged Emma Frost on his wife's grave.

Dalek- World dominating mutants in robotic suits from Dr. Who. One usually appears in Casstoons as a representation of Espanolbot, the regular Casstoon artist. Cass and Tim also forced Barbara Gordon to dress as one for Halloween.

Dr. Doom— Lusted for Evil Cass, before Love Cass wore him out. Oh, and evil dictator yadda yadda yadda.

Dream (Daniel)- Death's brother and Cass's English tutor.

Dust- Member of the New X-Men. Wears a form fitting burka.

The Earth- Almost committed suicide once it found out there were ''two'' Kara Zor-Els on Earth!

Egg Fu- GAY FOR EVERYONE!

Elektra– Is a ninja.

The Fraggles- Tiny singing Muppets. A colony lives in a hole in Cass's apartment.

Jay Garrick- Golden Age Flash. Has a kickass hat.

Guy Gardner- The best Green Lantern ever, behind G’nort.

The Goon- Dark Horse character. Just a thug, you mook.

Roy Harper— Red Arrow, formerly Arsenal. Former junkie and chronic changer of costumes. His daughter gets kidnapped a lot.

Connor Hawke— The second Green Arrow and bastard son of Ollie. In love with his father’s young ward.

The Halian Brotherhood- A group formed of various hypothetical sons of Hal Jordan, created only for the sole purpose of seducing and abusing the Cass daughters (see below). They all look almost identical because of the Halmeister's dominant genes, and are all Green Lanterns. Are either the sons of regular women, or of various super-heroines. Notable members are Halpha (son of Hal and of the TG Hal from the Jeph Loeb zone), Dark Haired Hal (much smarter than his half-brothers), He-Halk (son of Hal and She-Hulk), Khal Jordan-El (son of Hal and Kara Zor-El), Green Wizard (son of Hal and Scarlet Witch), Dr Lantern (son of Hal and of Dr Light... The Japanese one, not the crazy rapist), Hal Duck (yes, Hal has all the perversions you can imagine) and Halina (see the Legion of Future Cass Daughters). Are currently banished in the Shadow Realm.

Hellboy– Sounds like Slade.

Henchia- A female Henchie. Very little is known about her besides the fact that she's a little too helpful.

Heroes for Hire- Mistaken by Cass for an S&M club.

Hulk- Hulk invade Earth. Hulk smash puny Rubber Man, Tin Man and Bald Man. Why they send Hulk away? Why they kill Hulk's wife? Grrr. Hulk make them pay.

J. Jonah Jameson- Hot headed editor. Hated by Spider Jerusalem.

Jade- The golden age Green Lantern's daughter. Currently dead and in Kyle Rayner's fridge. Was the Wicked Witch of the West in Cass's trip to Oz. Not She-Hulk no matter what anybody says.

The Joker- Psychotic clown. Killed the lame Joker from 'The Batman'. Tries to shoot Cass every day, like clockwork.

J'onn J'onzz- Manhunter from Mars obsessed with Oreo ripoff cookies Chocos. Winick wants to turn him gay.

The Goddamn Hal Jordan— Horribly whipped and mild-mannered Green Lantern. A shame to all other alternate Halmeisters.

Katana- Outsider and samurai. Winick made her a drunk.

Johnathan and Martha Kent- Superman's parents, and also dicks. Held Wonder Girl at shotgun-point when she got banged by Conner, ''possibly'' creating an alternate timeline somewhere.

Silver Age Lois Lane— Actually did some reporting when she wasn’t attempting to reveal Superman’s secret identity or marry him.

Leslie, the Cablinasian Hermaphrodite— A multicultural replacement character. Briefly was Booster Gold and Supernova.

The Living Tribunal- Resided over the Multi-phasic Court. Once served time in the British Parliament.

Maxwell Lord- randomly turned evil then killed. Still better off than Nightwing.

Matrix- Gloop of shape shifting protoplasmic goo from a pocket dimension with a good Lex Luthor before coming to DC's dimension and starting over. *gasp, gasp, wheeze* Oh! And may or may not exist anymore.

Metamorpho- Elemental man. If Winick had his way he wouldn't be able to quit J'onn J'onzz.

Miho- Cass's Ninja contemporary from Sin City and current champion of intercompany tournament (Only because Cass didn't compete though).

Mirage- Member of the Minor Titans Union. Once raped Nightwing... yeah yeah, join the club.

Mogo- Sentient Green Lantern planet. Once persuaded the Earth not to commit suicide.

Monarch- Reused character name from Countdown that's supposed to be mysterious but just ended up plain boring.

Renee Montoya- Lesbian cop and the new Question. Yes, you heard me right...

Mr. Terrific- One of the best scientific minds in the DCU. Discovered DiDio's diversity vision.

Murmer— Psychotic serial killer and Flash rogue with a stitched mouth. The singer—and sadly, most talented member—in Tim’s band.

Obsidian- Alan Scott's son. He's one of a few gay male DC characters. Occasionally insane.

Aunt May Parker— Unintentionally poisons her nephew’s friends on a semi-regular basis.

Valerie Perez- Took Bart Allen's virginity. Appeared at his funeral.

Pied Piper- Former Flash rogue and another of the few gay males in the DCU. Likes to play the flute *snicker*

Power Boy- Only male hero ever with a boob hole. Was a psycho stalker and it got him assaulted by the Supergirls.

Red Star- Russian Titan and member of the Minor Titans Union.

Holly Robinson- Lesbian and one of the current Catwomen.

Robotman- Member of the Doom Patrol and John Byrne hater.

Rose Tyler- Dr. Who's sidekick.

Maggie Sawyer- Another Lesbian cop.

Helena Sandsmark- Wonder Girl's mother. Ignored for more Conner angst. FUN FACT: Uses the same model as Iris Allen, though with different colors.

The Scarecrow- Fear-based Batman villain. Fittingly played the "Scarecrow" in the Casstoons "Wizard of Oz" parody.

The Scooby Doo Gang— Cass spent the missing year with them.

Alan Scott- Original Green Lantern. Cass once smacked him with a tree branch.

She-Hulk- She's a strong, independent woman, damnit. She doesn't need to be in a relationship to give her life meaning. So what if she has lots of one-night stands and quick, physical relationships. It's just a sign of her independence and equality of gender. Right??? She happens to be a lawyer.

Skeletor and Evil Warriors- Tri-Klops, Mer-Man, et. Al. Cass once was sold to their world. They’re all incompetent.

Stargirl- Still in the JSA.

Steel- One of the best scientific minds in the DCU. Discovered DiDio's Diversity Vision.

Silver Age Supergirl- Put the modern Supergirl on trial for the right to exist. Lost because of editorial mandate. This arc was later paralleled in the actual comics. The outcome was the same.

Surge- Member of the New X-Men.

Tempest- He was Aqualad, dammit! A founding Titan yet still considered unimportant.

The cast of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles— Enlisted Cass to their cause briefly.

Terra II- Killed by Black Adam, and still complains post-mortum. How did she survive? Well, nobody knows how she was even created, so we'll plead the fifth.

Meloni Thawne- Bart Allen's mother, appeared at his funeral. Bart obviously got his hair from her side of the family.

Thunder- Outsider and Grace Choi's girlfriend. Has no personality other than being gay and having daddy issues, which is to say, she has more personality than Batwoman.

V- He remembers, remembers, the fifth of November. He sees no reason the Gunpowder Treason should ever be forgot.

Various versions of Cass (Such as a Liefeldian Cass)

Wally West- Was the Flash. Replaced by Bart Allen. Then replaced Bart Allen. Yeahbuhwhat?

Judd Winick- Former Real World-er and DC writer who likes to turn his characters gay and/or give them AIDS. Referenced quite often- only appeared once, and off panel at that.

XS- Legionnaire Cousin of Bart Allen, appeared at his funeral. Possibly erased from history.

Zapp Rowsdower- Canadian actor from the "smash hit" action thriller "Final Sacrifice", lampooned on MST3K. Filled the position of the "Tin Man" in the Wizard of Oz Parody because he had beer.

'''The Society of Future Cass Daughters'''

Batgirl Beyond- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Terry McGinnis. Just a wee bit ditsy. Failed to get into the Legion of Cass Daughters.

Cade Wilson- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Deathstrike. Evil and raided the Legion's file room for mysterious reasons.

Cassa Fett- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Boba Fett. Member of the Meter Maid Guild. Tends to get eaten by Sarlaccs a lot. Failed to get into the Legion of Cass Daughters.

Cassbo— The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Lobo. An archbishop at the First Celestial Refried Triple-Fish God Church and Truck Stop.

Goldie- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Booster Gold. Will do anything for a promotion deal. Founding member of the Legion of Cass Daughters.

Halina Jordan— The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Hal Jordan. Every bit the sexual deviant of her father, though a brilliant super hero and an entrepreneur.

Irina Schwab, CPA- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Ambush Bug. Works for the IRS. Words can not describe how boring she is. Not depressed like Nightwing, but dreadfully, dreadfully dull. Failed to get into the Legion of Cass Daughters.

Josie Hex— The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Jonah Hex. Can spit with perfect aim.

Lil' Cassie Wilson- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Deadpool. Leads the League of Cass Daughters.

Nina the Kryptonian Ninja- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Superboy. For some reason, she speaks Japanese as a primary language. Founding member of the Legion of Cass-Daughters.

Obscurity- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and The Shade. Her real name is Cassiopea Swift-Cain. Well-educated, mysterious, martial artist, and mistress of darkness. Has once sent the entire Halian Brotherhood in the Shadow Realm.

Query- Hypothetical daughter of Cass and The Question. Likes to look at people’s underwear.

Skats- Supposedly Skeets's daughter and Goldie's sidekick. Can also be used as a phone.

Spider-Girl— May Parker, the possible daughter of Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson. Claimed to be a daughter of Cass to make entry to the Society but failed.

Tonya— Hypothetical daughter of Tony Stark—the Iron Man—and Cass. An alcoholic at the age of six!

Vickie von Doom- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Dr. Doom. Received her doctorate at the Yellow Claw's Manicurist Academy. Failed to get into the Legion of Cass Daughters.

There is also a standard character model that Espanolbot uses frequently when a minor character (Such as a doctor or a shopkeep, for instance) is needed, rather than drawing a new one each time.

[[Category:Superdickery Related]]
[[Category:Comics Related]]

Casstoons

Pivitor — Sun, 08 Jul 2007 18:35:55 GMT

Pivitor: /* Characters and People that have appeared in the Casstoons */

'''Casstoons''' is the name of a stripcomic, drawn by [[EspanolBot]], and written by [[Drink]], although other writers (such as [[Ing]] or [[Justin Carr]]) have contributed to it. It describes the diverse misadventures of Cassandra Cain, the third [[Batgirl]], and Tim Drake, the third [[Robin]], the vast majority of those dealing with the recent editorial decision of DC to make Cass evil.

In a moment of rage following the release of Robin #150, where that storyline began, Drink and Espanolbot, notorious members of the [[Cass Cult]], made a small strip where Cass rips DiDio's face off. If you ask almost anyone, he deserved it.

After this first try, the two members continued to make strips about that editorial decision, always giving Cassandra Cain the major role. Soon, the strips diverged to include other DC characters (and more recently Marvel and Vertigo ones) and to concentrate on other storylines, not necessarily linked to Cass and Tim. The two characters, however, always appear in the strips.

Most characters in the Casstoons are either parodies or caricatures of their comic versions. For example, [[Hal Jordan]] is extremely offensive towards women and minorities, and Iron Man is portrayed with a Martini in hand, a jab at his past as an alcoholic. Cass herself has committed ann increasingly horrific series of murders in her desperation to become 'good' again.

The Casstoons have also produced a daughter comic of sorts featuring Booster Gold in addition to Cass, produced entirely by [[HotAndCold]], who usually uses the comic to express her rage at the handling of Booster in 52.

Casstoons became the most important attraction of the Cass Cain appreciation thread in a matter of weeks. It has also been successfully presented to the official DC message boards and other noteable forums.

==Characters and People that have appeared in the Casstoons==

'''Main Characters'''

Cassandra Cain- The most recent Batgirl. Was turned evil after OYL with no logic involved, and in a fit of rage ripped off DC Editor Dan DiDio's face. Thus began Cass's adventures in Casstoons, as she desperately tries to become good again, find steady work, or just survive sharing an apartment with Tim Drake. She is one of the few who can see the absurdity around her and is often the voice of reason. She is also the Pope of the Catholic Church and the Boxing Champion of the World.

[[Tim Drake]]- The current Robin, and a womanizing dick. Despite his less than pleasant personality he is still usually seen associating with Cass, and she even let him move in her apartment after Damien took over Wayne Manor. He is currently dating Cassie Sandsmark, Rose Wilson, and Mia Dearden (Despite her HIV), often all at once. Tim Drake doesn't ''like'' country music.

Stephanie Brown- Cass's best friend and former costumed hero the Spoiler. Was killed senselessly in the War Games crossover, but Cass made a pseudo-alive scarecrow replica of Stephanie, inspired by 52. She was revived briefly when Tim dabbled in dark magic, then permanently by Death itself. She now lives with Cass and Tim and shares their adventures. She's dating the revived Superboy and works as a secret agent.

'''Reoccurring Characters'''

(In alphabetical order by last name...or code name. You should find who you're looking for under one or the other...)

Access- The guardian over the doorway to DC and Marvel. Access had a vendetta against Cass due to her liberal passage through the universes. Once successfully masqueraded as Evil Cass, which only worked due to Tim’s stupidity.

Adam Strange- Travels space with Animal Man and Starfire. Formerly blind and surly. No longer blind, but still surly.

Animal Man— “Cosmically aware” family man. Stays safe because he knows where his writer lives—and isn’t afraid to do a little mafia-style negotiating.

Arrowette- Sole Young Justice surviving member and possible bastard child of Green Arrow. She’s probably better off that way.

[[Batman]]- Ultimate Superhero. Has the uncanny powers of forgetting his female sidekicks and kidnapping children. He only acknowledges that Batgirl exists when someone mentions her; he's forgotten Spoiler entirely.

Batwoman- She's a lesbian, in case you didn't hear. In fact, it's almost all she ever says. Kinda like a Pokemon.

Beast Boy- Former Teen Titans who hangs out with the main characters. Cass often injures him in one way or another. Slade did Terra in his bed. Drummer of Tim’s band, as an Octopus.

Adam Beechen- The writer who did the story in which Cass went evil. For his own safety, he is rarely shown in the same panel as Cass. He's a rabid Tim Drake fanboy and in all his stories Tim wins by miraculous duex ex machina--even if Tim was not a main character.

Black Canary- Bird of Prey and Cass's friend. Bastardized by Winick back into a damsel in distress.

Brain and Monsiour Mallah- A living brain in a jar. A super-intelligent French gorilla. '''OTP.'''

Booster Gold— Money loving superhero from the future. All the ladies think he has a glorious ass. He was briefly replaced by a Cablinasian hermaphrodite and forced to wear a barrel.

David Cain- Cass's dad. Obsessed with breeding his daughter with eligible bachelors.

Captain Marvel- His "Wisdom of Solomon" has been on the fritz lately.

Captain Marvel Jr.— Bassist of Tim’s band eternally stuck in the fifties. Now undergoing magical trials that make him forget everybody he cares about.

Catman— A little too friendly with Deadshot, if you know what I mean. Member of the Secret Six.

John Constantine- Chainsmoking English magician. Appears occasionally in Casstoons that involve the occult in some fashion. Currently shagging Zatanna.

Damian/Ibn Al Xu'ffacsh- The bastard son of Batman. Possibly the Anti-Christ.

Dan DiDio- Main Editor and essentially the "God" of DC. After he dictated that Batgirl turn evil Cass tore his face off in pure rage. Thanks to some post-reconstructive surgery, he has been reborn as Dankor, based on the villain from Prince of Space. He loves Lesbians and hates the nineties and fun. He also has Diversity Vision.

Linda Danvers— The “Good” Supergirl.

Darkseid- New God. Got his hand broke during Handshake with Cass (Much to her own disbelief).

[[Deadpool]]- Merc with the Mouth and Cass's neighbor at her apartment complex. The two have become friends and often go on adventures together, whether to another dimension or just down to the Pizza Joint on the corner. Often has madcap and nonsensical adventures with the new Blue Beetle, Jaime Reyes.

Deadshot— A little too friendly with Catman, if you know what I mean. Member of the Secret Six.

Mia Dearden— The current Speedy. She has HIV, though it doesn’t seem to affect her or anybody she sleeps with at all. One of Tim’s girlfriends and a former Titan.

Death- Goth and guide to recently deceased souls. Has given Hal and Ollie a free ticket to come back to life after they groped her. Also revived Steph.

Deathstroke- Slade Wilson. Pedophile and leader of the Titans East. He is older than dust. In the CassToons he wears his costume from The Teen Titans Animated series. Because black is a lot cooler than blue scale male.

Ralph Dibny & Dr. Fate helmet- Stretchy hero who's out of his goddamn mind and helmet of a dead hero who he talks to. Turns out he was never insane and now he’s dead and we all feel bad. Solves mysteries with his Ghost Wife, Sue.

Dr. Light- Rapist who was banished to the Shadow realm by the Shade, then raped by Supergirl. He then turned himself in after the ironic rape.

Duela Dent- Lunatic that's possibly the daughter of a supervillain, and member of Titans East. Was killed off after Titans East but somehow survived and attended her own funeral. Likes to pull practical jokes with Jason Todd.

Enigma- The Riddler's Daughter. Nobody knows anything about her. Or cares really. Member of Titans East.

Evil Cass- The version of Cass that appeared in Robin. Is either wearing a "Lil' Shiva" outfit or a Batgirl cowl with a monocle and glowing red eyes. While evil, she isn't particularly bright, despite her wordiness. Quite possibly a schizophrenic fractured personality of Cass.

Boba Fett- Bounty Hunter and acquaintance of Cass.

The Flash- Was Bart Allen, formerly Impulse, who was ludicrously emo. He died, and was replaced by the guy he replaced, Wally West. yeah, it makes no sense to me either.

Forerunner- Intergalactic Mary-Sue from Countdown.

Talia al Ghul- Daughter of the dead immortal R'as al Ghul and frustrated mother of Damien, the possible Anti-Christ. Like most superhero/supervillain parents, she has to deal with her child being constantly kidnapped, though in this case they usually bring Damien right back cause...well, he's Damien.

Green Arrow- Man-Whore and Commie Pinko extrordinaire. Waits till they're 18-unless they're an alien.

The [[Goddamn Batman]]- A harder, meaner, drinkinger and Goddamner version of Batman from the 80's. A new issue of his book is put out once a year. He has stubble and likes to eat rats. Once killed by Deadpool (through subterfuge and with help from DiDio) but mysteriously ressurected off-panel. His day job is working at a day care center for the children of superpersons.

The Goddamn Wonder Woman— Hates all men. Or anybody who likes men. Except for when she randomly kisses Superman. At least she’s a woman Miller has written who’s not a whore though!

Barbara Gordon- Formerly Batgirl, currently Oracle. Although surly at times (particularly when dressed as a Dalek), she's Cass's surrogate sister. Believed to secretly worship the Old Ones. Currently dating Ted Kord, the dead Blue Beetle.

Gorilla Grodd— Is not amused by hugs.

Henchie- Cass's Henchman. Mainly used in menial chores. Despite Ninja outfit, he's British. He accidentally went to Oz in a hot air balloon trip gone wrong, and now works as a talent agent for comic characters.

Henchman X- The evil version of Henchie

Jonah Hex- Western Bounty Hunter displaced from time by Cass.

Hippolyta- Queen of the Amazons. Attacking America for irrational reasons that can only be explained as Editorial Mandate. Could be persuaded to stop for Hostess Cakes.

Road Hogg- A pig/human type thing, this past character from Cass's series crashed at her place, only to start living with Supergirl after a backfired rape attempt.

Huntress- Bird of Prey and Cass's friend. They often drink Tea together and discuss current events.

Inertia- Bart Allen's nemesis and clone, and a member of Titans East. Has a slight crush on Cass but now dates Sungirl.

Iron Man- Drunken Womanizer and advocate for Superhero registration. Put Cass in charage of the Kansas Initiative.

Geoff Johns— Overworked DC writer. He’s sometimes portrayed as gleefully following DiDio’s orders to sometimes sympathizing with the characters. Recently had his face ripped off by Kyle Rayner, though it is most likely not permanent.

Hal Jordan- The foremost Green Lantern, the Halmeister gets by on his rugged good looks and his 50's style charm. In reality, he's a racist Man-Whore who hasn't got with the times.

Bette Kane- Technically a former Batgirl (Although most won't admit it), Cass repeatedly exacts revenge on this poor doofus to make herself feel better. Apparently immortal.

The Kansas Initiative— Consists of Jay the Jayhawk, Willy the Wildcat, and WuShock, all inept mascots. One of the reserve members is Glinda the Good Witch.

Kid Crusader- Formerly Choirboy, member of Titans East. Fanatic religious nut. Has helped Cass on several occasions but mostly enjoys smiting Kid Devil.

Kid Devil- Member of the Teen Titans. One of few non-fanatical Catholics in comics. Unfortunately he only became religious after selling his soul to the devil. Still better off than Nightwing.

Knockout— Big breasted bisexual member of the Secret Six.

The resurrected corpse of Blue Beetle, Ted Kord- With Band-Aid on head. Currently dating Barbara Gordon.

Selina Kyle- The first Catwoman. Likes to sleep with her boyfriends' sons. Mad at DiDio for giving her a baby without Bruce as its father. Hey, she should be happy! I mean, look how Damien turned out!

Lady Shiva- Cass's mum. Will beat up anybody who besmirches her daughter’s honor. And occasionally she’ll beat up her daughter too.

The League of Cass Villains- A group of mediocre villains that Cass faced: Rigor Mortis- A stiffened corpse, Miss Fire- A near sighted pyrokinetic, and Gelatin Man- The name pretty much describes him, but he's Scottish.

Stan Lee- Oddly enough, was bald in his first appearance, than had hair in subsequent appearances

Lobo- Fraggin' Bastitch who was Cass's rival for the Pope-hood. After a vicious Holy War they came to a truce.

Love Cass- A robotic nymphomaniac version of Cass in a bikini and an increased bustline. A world famous porn star and able to outsex every last Doombot.

The Mad Hatter— Loves hats. Sexually. Former member of the Secret Six.

Mary Marvel- Sweet, innocent, naive and doesn't know what a lesbian is. Of course that means in the DiDioverse she has to be corrupted and seduced.

Match- Bizarro clone of Superboy, member of Titans East. Has dated Duela Dent and Enigma.

Terry McGinnis— Batman Beyond. The object of Cass’s deepest, most passionate fantasies.

Midnighter and Apollo- Comics’ leading gay couple.

Misfit— Quirky teleporter and secretly Jimmy Olsen in drag.

Miss Martian- Horribly cute Teen Titan that every sexual deviant on the JLA wants a piece of. Cass taught them a lesson though. Will likely turn evil within the next decade. Has “Super Water Breath.”

Misty- Zatanna's goth apprentice and princess of the Sheeda. She sent Tim to the TG universe after he hit on the Goths.

The Monitors- Guardians of the 52 universes. Despite their elevated situation in life, still use guns to kill.

Grant Morisson— Possibly overrated meta-textual comic book writer for DC.

'Mystery Villain'- Recurring evil force focused on destroying Cass. Turned out to be Access [see Access]

[[Nightwing]]- Former Robin. He is either a manic depressant or hopelessly emo. No one really bothered to do a proper diagnosis. No matter how bad you got things, you're still better off than Nightwing.

The Devil - AKA [[Jimmy Olsen]]- Hates Cass and all her daughters. Likes to dress in girls' clothing.

Alfred Pennyworth- Batman's Butler. So incredibly English. Only member of the Batfamily with a known age.

Power Girl— Her eyes are not on her chest.

The Punisher– Thinks he’s Captain America.

Harley Quinn— Villainess friend of Cass and abused girlfriend of The Joker. A few cards short of a deck. Member of the Secret Six.

Kyle Rayner- Green Lantern who keeps getting women stuck in his fridge. Currently evil. Tried to extract revenge upon Geoff Johns Cass-style but it was overkill.

Ragdoll— Member of the Secret Six. He’s got no man parts.

Raven- Has the misfortune of having Damien Scott as artist. Also has an ass so beautiful it can bend the minds of men to her very whim. This is also known as the “hypnoass”.

Risk- Had his arm torn off by Superboy Prime. The brunt of many one-armed jokes. Member of Titans East.

Jaime Reyes - The third Blue Beetle. Can usually be found having madcap and nonsensical adventures with Deadpool. Dreams of being a dentist.

Rorschach- Hrrrm.

Vic Sage- News anchor and Objectivist hero, the Question. Knows the truth about Aglets. Faked his own death and is alive and well hiding in Cass's apartment. Knows that A is always A.

Scandal— Person first, lesbian second. A member of the Secret Six and a part of DiDio's lesbian entourage.

The Scarlet Witch— Marvel’s #1 insane retconner. Had a one night stand with Superboy Prime that produced Witch Prime.

Secret- Former member of Young Justice. Could spontaneously combust at any moment.

The Secret Six- Consisting of Catman, Scandal, Deadshot, Ragdoll, Knockout, and Mad Hatter. Harley Quinn has since replaced Mad Hatter. Cass desperately wants to be a part of this team, but will never be allowed to be.

The Shade- Cool anti-hero and anti-rape advocate. Once tried to have Dankor burned as a witch.

Gail Simone- Is never seen, just her doorstep. One of the few non-villainified DC writers. In real life she’s a Casstoon fan.

Sin, AKA Cass Jr.- Adopted daughter of Black Canary, Cass gave Sin a miniature Batgirl cowl of her very own. Will most very likely be killed for dramatic shock effect.

Sinestro- Cass's teacher in EVIL! Currently trying to destroy the multiverse.

Skeets- Robotic sidekick and Pimp. Was briefly possessed by a giant killer butterfly.

Spider Jerusalem- Futuristic journalist also displaced from time by Cass.

Spider-Man- possibly brainwashed by Tony. Likes Jell-O. Married to a supermodel yet hates his life.

Starfire- Photosynthetic nymphomaniac samurai xenomorph. Has adventures in space with Animal Man and Adam Strange. Sex with her is the only thing in the world that can even temporarily cure Nightwing's depression.

Sungirl- Likes to burn stuff. Member of Titans East.

Superboy- Was kept alive as a preserved head by Tim, until revived by dark magic. He's now a head on a giant robotic body—which is fine by him because he can wear jeans again. Currently dating Stephanie Brown.

Superboy Prime- Punch-happy lunatic from another universe. Often called upon in moments of dire need by Cass. Had a one night stand with the Scarlet Witch, producing an offspring whose powers were based entirely around retcons.

[[Supergirl]]- A horrid bitch. Supergirl has become a serial rapist, and often comes to blows with Cass over different subjects, such as how calling Supergirl a one-dimensional character is a compliment. She is trying to become a better person, but it usually depends on the writer and/or what drugs she's on.

Superman- A dick. During a psychotic rampage, Cass smacked him with a kryptonite hammer. Has no idea who Superboy is anymore.

Taskmaster— Memorized Cass’s combat moves and used them to terrorize Deadpool.

The TG-Verse- Many Transgendered version of aforementioned characters, such as Tina for Tim, Cassian for Cass, and Rico for Raven. Their Green Arrow and Green Lantern are a monogamous lesbian couple.

Thanos- Marvel's version of Darkseid (Or vice-versa, whichever came first). He also got his hand broken by Cass.

Leslie Thompkins- bitchy and insane murderer-by-proxy. Willing to perform Lobotomies.

Titans East- Cass's former super team that consists mostly of boneheads. Members include Slade Wilson (Deathstroke), Batgirl (Cass), Duela Dent, Enigma, Kid Crusader, Match, Inertia, Risk, and Sungirl.

Jason Todd- Former Robin, former corpse. Cass has twice one-punched him for trying to usurp the Batgirl role. Likes to dress up as random superheroes and play practical jokes on people with Duela Dent. Has a starring role in the current Countdown.

Donna Troy- Has no idea who she is or what the hell she's doing. Often holds a machine gun.

The Watchers- Marvel's versions of the Monitors. Can only watch, not interfere. Mock the Monitors' use of archaic weaponry. Cass was briefly a Watcher, but quickly quit the job.

Rose Wilson- Cass's one-time rival and current Teen Titan. One of Tim's girls. Might just possibly take it in the eye socket. You know what “it” is…

Witch Prime— Love child of Superboy Prime and the Scarlet Witch. Has “Retcon Vision”. He now fixes wrong pages on Wikipedia.

Wolverine- Semi-omnipotent superhero with claws. Horribly, horribly, horribly short. A member of every Marvel superhero team ever.

[[Wonder Girl]]- Cassandra Sandsmark. Teen Titan and one of Tim's girls. Hopelessly emo, she's usually crying over her dead boyfriend Superboy, who has ironically been resurrected already. Cassie is oblivious to this fact.

Wonder Woman- Gets her lasso stolen regularly. Assaulted Frank Miller once. Was NOT the subject of a 48-page rape comic.

X-23- Definite Wolverine clone and possible Cass clone from Marvel. The two girls were amalgamated by Access.

Professor Charles Xavier- Bald telepath. Explained to Cass the intracite flip-flops of the Marvel Universe. Actively sabotages DC Sales.

Zatanna- Slept with Hal Jordan as part of a deal involving a mindwipe, after Hal saw Miss Martian turn into a naked Green Arrow. Now shagging Constantine.

'''Cameo or minor reoccurring characters'''

Al from Quantum Leap- Likes to leer at Cass's breasts. Sent her home after having his manhood threatened.

Iris Allen- Bart Allen's grandmother. FUN FACT: Uses the same model as Helena Sandsmark, with different colors.

Aquaman- Even lamer than Brokenman.

Ares- God of War. Likes to watch Wonder Girl when she doesn't know it...

The Atom- One of the best minds in the DCU. Has been hiding with the Fraggles in Cass's apartment since Identity Crisis.

“The Batman” Joker- Killed by the real Joker. Yay!

Bat-Mite- Batman's #1 fan from the 5th dimension. Is smitten with Cass.

Black Adam- BLACK ADAM SMASH! Popular slash pairing with the Hulk.

Black Cat– Spider-Man’s Catwoman. Now with 80% more cleavage.

Carol Buckley- Bart Allen's childhood girlfriend DiDio conveniently had forgotten. Appeared at Bart's funeral.

Cable- Liefeldian character and Deadpool's buddy. Is pissed off that Wade left their book and started living next to Cass.

Captain America- Supports Anti-drug groups, despite getting his very powers from drugs. He’s dead now, did’ja hear?

Captain Nazi— Hates freedom.

The Catholic Space-Marines- A trio of cardinals who were so disappointed by Cass' decisions as the pope that they tried to take rid of her while she was busy fighting Lobo. They failed. One was Irish (and possibly gay), the second was from the Miller-verse, and the last one was Nightcrawler, despite being called Roberto.

Jesse Chambers- Formerly Jesse Quick, currently Liberty Belle. Apparantly decided to get a codename that didn't reveal her civilian ID.

Cheshire— Insane assassin who likes to get pregnant. Mother of Roy Harper's daughter.

The Chief- Leader of the Doom Patrol and all-around asshole.

Grace Choi- Outsider and bi!slut. Likes to drink and curse. Not surprisingly, created by Judd Winick.

Cir-El- The Supergirl before Kara. Has a Teutonic accent because she always looks so butch and buff. Most people either don't know about her or have blocked her from their memories.

Cthulhu- Think of a tentacle-rape monster with the Power Cosmic. Cthulhu is a Great Old One who has risen unopposed and eaten some ate some Miskatonic University students.

Jesse Custer- Texan Preacher with the voice of God.

Cyborg- Half man, half machine. Used to fill panel space in Geoff John's "Teen Titans" run. Hasn't had a personality since the 80s.

Cyclops- Dick. Banged Emma Frost on his wife's grave.

Dalek- World dominating mutants in robotic suits from Dr. Who. One usually appears in Casstoons as a representation of Espanolbot, the regular Casstoon artist.

Dr. Doom— Lusted for Evil Cass, before Love Cass wore him out. Oh, and evil dictator yadda yadda yadda.

Dream (Daniel)- Death's brother and Cass's English tutor.

Dust- Member of the New X-Men. Wears a form fitting burka.

The Earth- Almost committed suicide once it found out there were ''two'' Kara Zor-Els on Earth!

Egg Fu- GAY FOR EVERYONE!

Elektra– Is a ninja.

The Fraggles- Tiny singing Muppets. A colony lives in a hole in Cass's apartment.

Jay Garrick- Golden Age Flash. Has a kickass hat.

Guy Gardner- The best Green Lantern ever, behind G’nort.

The Goon- Dark Horse character. Just a thug, you mook.

Roy Harper— Red Arrow, formerly Arsenal. Former junkie and chronic changer of costumes. His daughter gets kidnapped a lot.

Connor Hawke— The second Green Arrow and bastard son of Ollie. In love with his father’s young ward.

The Halian Brotherhood- A group formed of various hypothetical sons of Hal Jordan, created only for the sole purpose of seducing and abusing the Cass daughters (see below). They all look almost identical because of the Halmeister's dominant genes, and are all Green Lanterns. Are either the sons of regular women, or of various super-heroines. Notable members are Halpha (son of Hal and of the TG Hal from the Jeph Loeb zone), Dark Haired Hal (much smarter than his half-brothers), He-Halk (son of Hal and She-Hulk), Khal Jordan-El (son of Hal and Kara Zor-El), Green Wizard (son of Hal and Scarlet Witch), Dr Lantern (son of Hal and of Dr Light... The Japanese one, not the crazy rapist), Hal Duck (yes, Hal has all the perversions you can imagine) and Halina (see the Legion of Future Cass Daughters). Are currently banished in the Shadow Realm.

Hellboy– Sounds like Slade.

Henchia- A female Henchie. Very little is known about her besides the fact that she's a little too helpful.

Heroes for Hire- Mistaken by Cass for an S&M club.

Hulk- Hulk invade Earth. Hulk smash puny Rubber Man, Tin Man and Bald Man. Why they send Hulk away? Why they kill Hulk's wife? Grrr. Hulk make them pay.

J. Jonah Jameson- Hot headed editor. Hated by Spider Jerusalem.

Jade- The golden age Green Lantern's daughter. Currently dead and in Kyle Rayner's fridge. Was the Wicked Witch of the West in Cass's trip to Oz. Not She-Hulk no matter what anybody says.

The Joker- Psychotic clown. Killed the lame Joker from 'The Batman'. Tries to shoot Cass every day, like clockwork.

J'onn J'onzz- Manhunter from Mars obsessed with Oreo ripoff cookies Chocos. Winick wants to turn him gay.

The Goddamn Hal Jordan— Horribly whipped and mild-mannered Green Lantern. A shame to all other alternate Halmeisters.

Katana- Outsider and samurai. Winick made her a drunk.

Johnathan and Martha Kent- Superman's parents, and also dicks. Held Wonder Girl at shotgun-point when she got banged by Conner, ''possibly'' creating an alternate timeline somewhere.

Silver Age Lois Lane— Actually did some reporting when she wasn’t attempting to reveal Superman’s secret identity or marry him.

Leslie, the Cablinasian Hermaphrodite— A multicultural replacement character. Briefly was Booster Gold and Supernova.

The Living Tribunal- Resided over the Multi-phasic Court. Once served time in the British Parliament.

Maxwell Lord- randomly turned evil then killed. Still better off than Nightwing.

Matrix- Gloop of shape shifting protoplasmic goo from a pocket dimension with a good Lex Luthor before coming to DC's dimension and starting over. *gasp, gasp, wheeze* Oh! And may or may not exist anymore.

Metamorpho- Elemental man. If Winick had his way he wouldn't be able to quit J'onn J'onzz.

Miho- Cass's Ninja contemporary from Sin City and current champion of intercompany tournament (Only because Cass didn't compete though).

Mirage- Member of the Minor Titans Union. Once raped Nightwing... yeah yeah, join the club.

Mogo- Sentient Green Lantern planet. Once persuaded the Earth not to commit suicide.

Monarch- Reused character name from Countdown that's supposed to be mysterious but just ended up plain boring.

Renee Montoya- Lesbian cop and the new Question. Yes, you heard me right...

Mr. Terrific- One of the best scientific minds in the DCU. Discovered DiDio's diversity vision.

Murmer— Psychotic serial killer and Flash rogue with a stitched mouth. The singer—and sadly, most talented member—in Tim’s band.

Obsidian- Alan Scott's son. He's one of a few gay male DC characters. Occasionally insane.

Aunt May Parker— Unintentionally poisons her nephew’s friends on a semi-regular basis.

Valerie Perez- Took Bart Allen's virginity. Appeared at his funeral.

Pied Piper- Former Flash rogue and another of the few gay males in the DCU. Likes to play the flute *snicker*

Power Boy- Only male hero ever with a boob hole. Was a psycho stalker and it got him assaulted by the Supergirls.

Red Star- Russian Titan and member of the Minor Titans Union.

Holly Robinson- Lesbian and one of the current Catwomen.

Robotman- Member of the Doom Patrol and John Byrne hater.

Rose Tyler- Dr. Who's sidekick.

Maggie Sawyer- Another Lesbian cop.

Helena Sandsmark- Wonder Girl mother. Ignored for more Conner angst. FUN FACT: Uses the same model as Iris Allen, though with different colors.

The Scarecrow- Fear-based Batman villain. Fittingly played the "Scarecrow" in the Casstoons "Wizard of Oz" parody.

The Scooby Doo Gang— Cass spent the missing year with them.

Alan Scott- Original Green Lantern. Cass once smacked him with a tree branch.

She-Hulk- She's a strong, independent woman, damnit. She doesn't need to be in a relationship to give her life meaning. So what if she has lots of one-night stands and quick, physical relationships. It's just a sign of her independence and equality of gender. Right??? She happens to be a lawyer.

Skeletor and Evil Warriors- Tri-Klops, Mer-Man, et. Al. Cass once was sold to their world. They’re all incompetent.

Stargirl- Still in the JSA.

Steel- One of the best scientific minds in the DCU. Discovered DiDio's Diversity Vision.

Silver Age Supergirl- Put the modern Supergirl on trial for the right to exist. Lost because of editorial mandate. This arc was later paralleled in the actual comics. The outcome was the same.

Surge- Member of the New X-Men.

Tempest- He was Aqualad, dammit! A founding Titan yet still considered unimportant.

The cast of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles— Enlisted Cass to their cause briefly.

Terra II- Killed by Black Adam, and still complains post-mortum. How did she survive? Well, nobody knows how she was even created, so we'll plead the fifth.

Meloni Thawne- Bart Allen's mother, appeared at his funeral. Bart obviously got his hair from her side of the family.

Thunder- Outsider and Grace Choi's girlfriend. Has no personality other than being gay and having daddy issues, which is to say, she has more personality than Batwoman.

V- He remembers, remembers, the fifth of November. He sees no reason the Gunpowder Treason should ever be forgot.

Various versions of Cass (Such as a Liefeldian Cass)

Wally West- Was the Flash. Replaced by Bart Allen. Then replaced Bart Allen. Yeahbuhwhat?

Judd Winick- Former Real World-er and DC writer who likes to turn his characters gay and/or give them AIDS. Referenced quite often- only appeared once, and off panel at that.

XS- Legionnaire Cousin of Bart Allen, appeared at his funeral. Possibly erased from history.

Zapp Rowsdower- Canadian actor from the "smash hit" action thriller "Final Sacrifice", lampooned on MST3K. Filled the position of the "Tin Man" in the Wizard of Oz Parody because he had beer.

'''The Society of Future Cass Daughters'''

Batgirl Beyond- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Terry McGinnis. Just a wee bit ditsy. Failed to get into the Legion of Cass Daughters.

Cade Wilson- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Deathstrike. Evil and raided the Legion's file room for mysterious reasons.

Cassa Fett- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Boba Fett. Member of the Meter Maid Guild. Tends to get eaten by Sarlaccs a lot. Failed to get into the Legion of Cass Daughters.

Cassbo— The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Lobo. An archbishop at the First Celestial Refried Triple-Fish God Church and Truck Stop.

Goldie- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Booster Gold. Will do anything for a promotion deal. Founding member of the Legion of Cass Daughters.

Halina Jordan— The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Hal Jordan. Every bit the sexual deviant of her father, though a brilliant super hero and an entrepreneur.

Irina Schwab, CPA- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Ambush Bug. Works for the IRS. Words can not describe how boring she is. Not depressed like Nightwing, but dreadfully, dreadfully dull. Failed to get into the Legion of Cass Daughters.

Josie Hex— The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Jonah Hex. Can spit with perfect aim.

Lil' Cassie Wilson- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Deadpool. Leads the League of Cass Daughters.

Nina the Kryptonian Ninja- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Superboy. For some reason, she speaks Japanese as a primary language. Founding member of the Legion of Cass-Daughters.

Obscurity- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and The Shade. Her real name is Cassiopea Swift-Cain. Well-educated, mysterious, martial artist, and mistress of darkness. Has once sent the entire Halian Brotherhood in the Shadow Realm.

Query- Hypothetical daughter of Cass and The Question. Likes to look at people’s underwear.

Skats- Supposedly Skeets's daughter and Goldie's sidekick. Can also be used as a phone.

Spider-Girl— May Parker, the possible daughter of Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson. Claimed to be a daughter of Cass to make entry to the Society but failed.

Tonya— Hypothetical daughter of Tony Stark—the Iron Man—and Cass. An alcoholic at the age of six!

Vickie von Doom- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Dr. Doom. Received her doctorate at the Yellow Claw's Manicurist Academy. Failed to get into the Legion of Cass Daughters.

There is also a standard character model that Espanolbot uses frequently when a minor character (Such as a doctor or a shopkeep, for instance) is needed, rather than drawing a new one each time.

[[Category:Superdickery Related]]
[[Category:Comics Related]]

Casstoons

Pivitor — Sat, 07 Jul 2007 05:04:17 GMT

Pivitor: /* Characters and People that have appeared in the Casstoons */

'''Casstoons''' is the name of a stripcomic, drawn by [[EspanolBot]], and written by [[Drink]], although other writers (such as [[Ing]] or [[Justin Carr]]) have contributed to it. It describes the diverse misadventures of Cassandra Cain, the third [[Batgirl]], and Tim Drake, the third [[Robin]], the vast majority of those dealing with the recent editorial decision of DC to make Cass evil.

In a moment of rage following the release of Robin #150, where that storyline began, Drink and Espanolbot, notorious members of the [[Cass Cult]], made a small strip where Cass rips DiDio's face off. If you ask almost anyone, he deserved it.

After this first try, the two members continued to make strips about that editorial decision, always giving Cassandra Cain the major role. Soon, the strips diverged to include other DC characters (and more recently Marvel and Vertigo ones) and to concentrate on other storylines, not necessarily linked to Cass and Tim. The two characters, however, always appear in the strips.

Most characters in the Casstoons are either parodies or caricatures of their comic versions. For example, [[Hal Jordan]] is extremely offensive towards women and minorities, and Iron Man is portrayed with a Martini in hand, a jab at his past as an alcoholic. Cass herself has committed ann increasingly horrific series of murders in her desperation to become 'good' again.

The Casstoons have also produced a daughter comic of sorts featuring Booster Gold in addition to Cass, produced entirely by [[HotAndCold]], who usually uses the comic to express her rage at the handling of Booster in 52.

Casstoons became the most important attraction of the Cass Cain appreciation thread in a matter of weeks. It has also been successfully presented to the official DC message boards and other noteable forums.

==Characters and People that have appeared in the Casstoons==

'''Main Characters'''

Cassandra Cain- The most recent Batgirl. Was turned evil after OYL with no logic involved, and in a fit of rage ripped off DC Editor Dan DiDio's face. Thus began Cass's adventures in Casstoons, as she desperately tries to become good again, find steady work, or just survive sharing an apartment with Tim Drake. She is one of the few who can see the absurdity around her and is often the voice of reason. She is also the Pope of the Catholic Church and the Boxing Champion of the World.

[[Tim Drake]]- The current Robin, and a womanizing dick. Despite his less than pleasant personality he is still usually seen associating with Cass, and she even let him move in her apartment after Damien took over Wayne Manor. He is currently dating Cassie Sandsmark, Rose Wilson, and Mia Dearden (Despite her HIV), often all at once. Tim Drake doesn't ''like'' country music.

Stephanie Brown- Cass's best friend and former costumed hero the Spoiler. Was killed senselessly in the War Games crossover, but Cass made a pseudo-alive scarecrow replica of Stephanie, inspired by 52. She was revived briefly when Tim dabbled in dark magic, then permanently by Death itself. She now lives with Cass and Tim and shares their adventures. She's dating the revived Superboy and works as a secret agent.

'''Reoccurring Characters'''

(In alphabetical order by last name...or code name. You should find who you're looking for under one or the other...)

Access- The guardian over the doorway to DC and Marvel. Access had a vendetta against Cass due to her liberal passage through the universes. Once successfully masqueraded as Evil Cass, which only worked due to Tim’s stupidity.

Adam Strange- Travels space with Animal Man and Starfire. Formerly blind and surly. No longer blind, but still surly.

Animal Man— “Cosmically aware” family man. Stays safe because he knows where his writer lives—and isn’t afraid to do a little mafia-style negotiating.

Arrowette- Sole Young Justice surviving member and possible bastard child of Green Arrow. She’s probably better off that way.

[[Batman]]- Ultimate Superhero. Has the uncanny powers of forgetting his female sidekicks and kidnapping children. He only acknowledges that Batgirl exists when someone mentions her; he's forgotten Spoiler entirely.

Batwoman- She's a lesbian, in case you didn't hear. In fact, it's almost all she ever says. Kinda like a Pokemon.

Beast Boy- Former Teen Titans who hangs out with the main characters. Cass often injures him in one way or another. Slade did Terra in his bed. Drummer of Tim’s band, as an Octopus.

Adam Beechen- The writer who did the story in which Cass went evil. For his own safety, he is rarely shown in the same panel as Cass. He's a rabid Tim Drake fanboy and in all his stories Tim wins by miraculous duex ex machina--even if Tim was not a main character.

Black Canary- Bird of Prey and Cass's friend. Bastardized by Winick back into a damsel in distress.

Brain and Monsiour Mallah- A living brain in a jar. A super-intelligent French gorilla. '''OTP.'''

Booster Gold— Money loving superhero from the future. All the ladies think he has a glorious ass. He was briefly replaced by a Cablinasian hermaphrodite and forced to wear a barrel.

David Cain- Cass's dad. Obsessed with breeding his daughter with eligible bachelors.

Captain Marvel- His "Wisdom of Solomon" has been on the fritz lately.

Captain Marvel Jr.— Bassist of Tim’s band eternally stuck in the fifties. Now undergoing magical trials that make him forget everybody he cares about.

Catman— A little too friendly with Deadshot, if you know what I mean. Member of the Secret Six.

John Constantine- Chainsmoking English magician. Appears occasionally in Casstoons that involve the occult in some fashion. Currently shagging Zatanna.

Damian/Ibn Al Xu'ffacsh- The bastard son of Batman. Possibly the Anti-Christ.

Dan DiDio- Main Editor and essentially the "God" of DC. After he dictated that Batgirl turn evil Cass tore his face off in pure rage. Thanks to some post-reconstructive surgery, he has been reborn as Dankor, based on the villain from Prince of Space. He loves Lesbians and hates the nineties and fun. He also has Diversity Vision.

Linda Danvers— The “Good” Supergirl.

Darkseid- New God. Got his hand broke during Handshake with Cass (Much to her own disbelief).

[[Deadpool]]- Merc with the Mouth and Cass's neighbor at her apartment complex. The two have become friends and often go on adventures together, whether to another dimension or just down to the Pizza Joint on the corner. Often has madcap and nonsensical adventures with the new Blue Beetle, Jaime Reyes.

Deadshot— A little too friendly with Catman, if you know what I mean. Member of the Secret Six.

Mia Dearden— The current Speedy. She has HIV, though it doesn’t seem to affect her or anybody she sleeps with at all. One of Tim’s girlfriends and a former Titan.

Death- Goth and guide to recently deceased souls. Has given Hal and Ollie a free ticket to come back to life after they groped her. Also revived Steph.

Deathstroke- Slade Wilson. Pedophile and leader of the Titans East. He is older than dust. In the CassToons he wears his costume from The Teen Titans Animated series. Because black is a lot cooler than blue scale male.

Ralph Dibny & Dr. Fate helmet- Stretchy hero who's out of his goddamn mind and helmet of a dead hero who he talks to. Turns out he was never insane and now he’s dead and we all feel bad. Solves mysteries with his Ghost Wife, Sue.

Dr. Light- Rapist who was banished to the Shadow realm by the Shade, then raped by Supergirl. He then turned himself in after the ironic rape.

Duela Dent- Lunatic that's possibly the daughter of a supervillain, and member of Titans East. Was killed off after Titans East but somehow survived and attended her own funeral. Likes to pull practical jokes with Jason Todd.

Enigma- The Riddler's Daughter. Nobody knows anything about her. Or cares really. Member of Titans East.

Evil Cass- The version of Cass that appeared in Robin. Is either wearing a "Lil' Shiva" outfit or a Batgirl cowl with a monocle and glowing red eyes. While evil, she isn't particularly bright, despite her wordiness. Quite possibly a schizophrenic fractured personality of Cass.

Boba Fett- Bounty Hunter and acquaintance of Cass.

The Flash- Was Bart Allen, formerly Impulse, who was ludicrously emo. He died, and was replaced by the guy he replaced, Wally West. yeah, it makes no sense to me either.

Forerunner- Intergalactic Mary-Sue from Countdown.

Green Arrow- Man-Whore and Commie Pinko extrordinaire. Waits till they're 18-unless they're an alien.

The [[Goddamn Batman]]- A harder, meaner, drinkinger and Goddamner version of Batman from the 80's. A new issue of his book is put out once a year. He has stubble and likes to eat rats. Once killed by Deadpool (through subterfuge and with help from DiDio) but mysteriously ressurected off-panel. His day job is working at a day care center for the children of superpersons.

The Goddamn Wonder Woman— Hates all men. Or anybody who likes men. Except for when she randomly kisses Superman. At least she’s a woman Miller has written who’s not a whore though!

Barbara Gordon- Formerly Batgirl, currently Oracle. Although surly at times (particularly when dressed as a Dalek), she's Cass's surrogate sister. Believed to secretly worship the Old Ones. Currently dating Ted Kord, the dead Blue Beetle.

Gorilla Grodd— Is not amused by hugs.

Henchie- Cass's Henchman. Mainly used in menial chores. Despite Ninja outfit, he's British. He accidentally went to Oz in a hot air balloon trip gone wrong, and now works as a talent agent for comic characters.

Henchman X- The evil version of Henchie

Jonah Hex- Western Bounty Hunter displaced from time by Cass.

Hippolyta- Queen of the Amazons. Attacking America for irrational reasons that can only be explained as Editorial Mandate. Could be persuaded to stop for Hostess Cakes.

Road Hogg- A pig/human type thing, this past character from Cass's series crashed at her place, only to start living with Supergirl after a backfired rape attempt.

Huntress- Bird of Prey and Cass's friend. They often drink Tea together and discuss current events.

Inertia- Bart Allen's nemesis and clone, and a member of Titans East. Has a slight crush on Cass but now dates Sungirl.

Iron Man- Drunken Womanizer and advocate for Superhero registration. Put Cass in charage of the Kansas Initiative.

Geoff Johns— Overworked DC writer. He’s sometimes portrayed as gleefully following DiDio’s orders to sometimes sympathizing with the characters. Recently had his face ripped off by Kyle Rayner, though it is most likely not permanent.

Hal Jordan- The foremost Green Lantern, the Halmeister gets by on his rugged good looks and his 50's style charm. In reality, he's a racist Man-Whore who hasn't got with the times.

Bette Kane- Technically a former Batgirl (Although most won't admit it), Cass repeatedly exacts revenge on this poor doofus to make herself feel better. Apparently immortal.

The Kansas Initiative— Consists of Jay the Jayhawk, Willy the Wildcat, and WuShock, all inept mascots. One of the reserve members is Glinda the Good Witch.

Kid Crusader- Formerly Choirboy, member of Titans East. Fanatic religious nut. Has helped Cass on several occasions but mostly enjoys smiting Kid Devil.

Kid Devil- Member of the Teen Titans. One of few non-fanatical Catholics in comics. Unfortunately he only became religious after selling his soul to the devil. Still better off than Nightwing.

Knockout— Big breasted bisexual member of the Secret Six.

The resurrected corpse of Blue Beetle, Ted Kord- With Band-Aid on head. Currently dating Barbara Gordon.

Selina Kyle- The first Catwoman. Likes to sleep with her boyfriends' sons. Mad at DiDio for giving her a baby without Bruce as its father. Hey, she should be happy! I mean, look how Damien turned out!

Lady Shiva- Cass's mum. Will beat up anybody who besmirches her daughter’s honor. And occasionally she’ll beat up her daughter too.

The League of Cass Villains- A group of mediocre villains that Cass faced: Rigor Mortis- A stiffened corpse, Miss Fire- A near sighted pyrokinetic, and Gelatin Man- The name pretty much describes him, but he's Scottish.

Stan Lee- Oddly enough, was bald in his first appearance, than had hair in subsequent appearances

Lobo- Fraggin' Bastitch who was Cass's rival for the Pope-hood. After a vicious Holy War they came to a truce.

Love Cass- A robotic nymphomaniac version of Cass in a bikini and an increased bustline. A world famous porn star and able to outsex every last Doombot.

The Mad Hatter— Loves hats. Sexually. Former member of the Secret Six.

Mary Marvel- Sweet, innocent, naive and doesn't know what a lesbian is. Of course that means in the DiDioverse she has to be corrupted and seduced.

Match- Bizarro clone of Superboy, member of Titans East. Has dated Duela Dent and Enigma.

Terry McGinnis— Batman Beyond. The object of Cass’s deepest, most passionate fantasies.

Midnighter and Apollo- Comics’ leading gay couple.

Misfit— Quirky teleporter and secretly Jimmy Olsen in drag.

Miss Martian- Horribly cute Teen Titan that every sexual deviant on the JLA wants a piece of. Cass taught them a lesson though. Will likely turn evil within the next decade. Has “Super Water Breath.”

Misty- Zatanna's goth apprentice and princess of the Sheeda. She sent Tim to the TG universe after he hit on the Goths.

The Monitors- Guardians of the 52 universes. Despite their elevated situation in life, still use guns to kill.

Grant Morisson— Possibly overrated meta-textual comic book writer for DC.

'Mystery Villain'- Recurring evil force focused on destroying Cass. Turned out to be Access [see Access]

[[Nightwing]]- Former Robin. He is either a manic depressant or hopelessly emo. No one really bothered to do a proper diagnosis. No matter how bad you got things, you're still better off than Nightwing.

The Devil - AKA [[Jimmy Olsen]]- Hates Cass and all her daughters. Likes to dress in girls' clothing.

Alfred Pennyworth- Batman's Butler. So incredibly English. Only member of the Batfamily with a known age.

Power Girl— Her eyes are not on her chest.

The Punisher– Thinks he’s Captain America.

Harley Quinn— Villainess friend of Cass and abused girlfriend of The Joker. A few cards short of a deck. Member of the Secret Six.

Kyle Rayner- Green Lantern who keeps getting women stuck in his fridge. Currently evil. Tried to extract revenge upon Geoff Johns Cass-style but it was overkill.

Ragdoll— Member of the Secret Six. He’s got no man parts.

Raven- Has the misfortune of having Damien Scott as artist. Also has an ass so beautiful it can bend the minds of men to her very whim. This is also known as the “hypnoass”.

Risk- Had his arm torn off by Superboy Prime. The brunt of many one-armed jokes. Member of Titans East.

Jaime Reyes - The third Blue Beetle. Can usually be found having madcap and nonsensical adventures with Deadpool. Dreams of being a dentist.

Rorschach- Hrrrm.

Vic Sage- News anchor and Objectivist hero, the Question. Knows the truth about Aglets. Faked his own death and is alive and well hiding in Cass's apartment. Knows that A is always A.

Scandal— Person first, lesbian second. A member of the Secret Six and a part of DiDio's lesbian entourage.

The Scarlet Witch— Marvel’s #1 insane retconner. Had a one night stand with Superboy Prime that produced Witch Prime.

Secret- Former member of Young Justice. Could spontaneously combust at any moment.

The Secret Six- Consisting of Catman, Scandal, Deadshot, Ragdoll, Knockout, and Mad Hatter. Harley Quinn has since replaced Mad Hatter. Cass desperately wants to be a part of this team, but will never be allowed to be.

The Shade- Cool anti-hero and anti-rape advocate. Once tried to have Dankor burned as a witch.

Gail Simone- Is never seen, just her doorstep. One of the few non-villainified DC writers. In real life she’s a Casstoon fan.

Sin, AKA Cass Jr.- Adopted daughter of Black Canary, Cass gave Sin a miniature Batgirl cowl of her very own. Will most very likely be killed for dramatic shock effect.

Sinestro- Cass's teacher in EVIL! Currently trying to destroy the multiverse.

Skeets- Robotic sidekick and Pimp. Was briefly possessed by a giant killer butterfly.

Spider Jerusalem- Futuristic journalist also displaced from time by Cass.

Spider-Man- possibly brainwashed by Tony. Likes Jell-O. Married to a supermodel yet hates his life.

Starfire- Photosynthetic nymphomaniac samurai xenomorph. Has adventures in space with Animal Man and Adam Strange. Sex with her is the only thing in the world that can even temporarily cure Nightwing's depression.

Sungirl- Likes to burn stuff. Member of Titans East.

Superboy- Was kept alive as a preserved head by Tim, until revived by dark magic. He's now a head on a giant robotic body—which is fine by him because he can wear jeans again. Currently dating Stephanie Brown.

Superboy Prime- Punch-happy lunatic from another universe. Often called upon in moments of dire need by Cass. Had a one night stand with the Scarlet Witch, producing an offspring whose powers were based entirely around retcons.

[[Supergirl]]- A horrid bitch. Supergirl has become a serial rapist, and often comes to blows with Cass over different subjects, such as how calling Supergirl a one-dimensional character is a compliment. She is trying to become a better person, but it usually depends on the writer and/or what drugs she's on.

Superman- A dick. During a psychotic rampage, Cass smacked him with a kryptonite hammer. Has no idea who Superboy is anymore.

Taskmaster— Memorized Cass’s combat moves and used them to terrorize Deadpool.

The TG-Verse- Many Transgendered version of aforementioned characters, such as Tina for Tim, Cassian for Cass, and Rico for Raven. Their Green Arrow and Green Lantern are a monogamous lesbian couple.

Thanos- Marvel's version of Darkseid (Or vice-versa, whichever came first). He also got his hand broken by Cass.

Leslie Thompkins- bitchy and insane murderer-by-proxy. Willing to perform Lobotomies.

Titans East- Cass's former super team that consists mostly of boneheads. Members include Slade Wilson (Deathstroke), Batgirl (Cass), Duela Dent, Enigma, Kid Crusader, Match, Inertia, Risk, and Sungirl.

Jason Todd- Former Robin, former corpse. Cass has twice one-punched him for trying to usurp the Batgirl role. Likes to dress up as random superheroes and play practical jokes on people with Duela Dent. Has a starring role in the current Countdown.

Donna Troy- Has no idea who she is or what the hell she's doing. Often holds a machine gun.

The Watchers- Marvel's versions of the Monitors. Can only watch, not interfere. Mock the Monitors' use of archaic weaponry. Cass was briefly a Watcher, but quickly quit the job.

Rose Wilson- Cass's one-time rival and current Teen Titan. One of Tim's girls. Might just possibly take it in the eye socket. You know what “it” is…

Witch Prime— Love child of Superboy Prime and the Scarlet Witch. Has “Retcon Vision”. He now fixes wrong pages on Wikipedia.

Wolverine- Semi-omnipotent superhero with claws. Horribly, horribly, horribly short. A member of every Marvel superhero team ever.

[[Wonder Girl]]- Cassandra Sandsmark. Teen Titan and one of Tim's girls. Hopelessly emo, she's usually crying over her dead boyfriend Superboy, who has ironically been resurrected already. Cassie is oblivious to this fact.

Wonder Woman- Gets her lasso stolen regularly. Assaulted Frank Miller once. Was NOT the subject of a 48-page rape comic.

X-23- Definite Wolverine clone and possible Cass clone from Marvel. The two girls were amalgamated by Access.

Professor Charles Xavier- Bald telepath. Explained to Cass the intracite flip-flops of the Marvel Universe. Actively sabotages DC Sales.

Zatanna- Slept with Hal Jordan as part of a deal involving a mindwipe, after Hal saw Miss Martian turn into a naked Green Arrow. Now shagging Constantine.

'''Cameo or minor reoccurring characters'''

Al from Quantum Leap- Likes to leer at Cass's breasts. Sent her home after having his manhood threatened.

Iris Allen- Bart Allen's grandmother. FUN FACT: Uses the same model as Helena Sandsmark, with different colors.

Aquaman- Even lamer than Brokenman.

Ares- God of War. Likes to watch Wonder Girl when she doesn't know it...

The Atom- One of the best minds in the DCU. Has been hiding with the Fraggles in Cass's apartment since Identity Crisis.

“The Batman” Joker- Killed by the real Joker. Yay!

Bat-Mite- Batman's #1 fan from the 5th dimension. Is smitten with Cass.

Black Adam- BLACK ADAM SMASH! Popular slash pairing with the Hulk.

Black Cat– Spider-Man’s Catwoman. Now with 80% more cleavage.

Carol Buckley- Bart Allen's childhood girlfriend DiDio conveniently had forgotten. Appeared at Bart's funeral.

Cable- Liefeldian character and Deadpool's buddy. Is pissed off that Wade left their book and started living next to Cass.

Captain America- Supports Anti-drug groups, despite getting his very powers from drugs. He’s dead now, did’ja hear?

Captain Nazi— Hates freedom.

The Catholic Space-Marines- A trio of cardinals who were so disappointed by Cass' decisions as the pope that they tried to take rid of her while she was busy fighting Lobo. They failed. One was Irish (and possibly gay), the second was from the Miller-verse, and the last one was Nightcrawler, despite being called Roberto.

Jesse Chambers- Formerly Jesse Quick, currently Liberty Belle. Apparantly decided to get a codename that didn't reveal her civilian ID.

Cheshire— Insane assassin who likes to get pregnant. Mother of Roy Harper's daughter.

The Chief- Leader of the Doom Patrol and all-around asshole.

Grace Choi- Outsider and bi!slut. Likes to drink and curse. Not surprisingly, created by Judd Winick.

Cir-El- The Supergirl before Kara. Has a Teutonic accent because she always looks so butch and buff. Most people either don't know about her or have blocked her from their memories.

Cthulhu- Think of a tentacle-rape monster with the Power Cosmic. Cthulhu is a Great Old One who has risen unopposed and eaten some ate some Miskatonic University students.

Jesse Custer- Texan Preacher with the voice of God.

Cyborg- Half man, half machine. Used to fill panel space in Geoff John's "Teen Titans" run. Hasn't had a personality since the 80s.

Cyclops- Dick. Banged Emma Frost on his wife's grave.

Dr. Doom— Lusted for Evil Cass, before Love Cass wore him out. Oh, and evil dictator yadda yadda yadda.

Dream (Daniel)- Death's brother and Cass's English tutor.

Dust- Member of the New X-Men. Wears a form fitting burka.

The Earth- Almost committed suicide once it found out there were ''two'' Kara Zor-Els on Earth!

Egg Fu- GAY FOR EVERYONE!

Elektra– Is a ninja.

The Fraggles- Tiny singing Muppets. A colony lives in a hole in Cass's apartment.

Jay Garrick- Golden Age Flash. Has a kickass hat.

Guy Gardner- The best Green Lantern ever, behind G’nort.

The Goon- Dark Horse character. Just a thug, you mook.

Roy Harper— Red Arrow, formerly Arsenal. Former junkie and chronic changer of costumes. His daughter gets kidnapped a lot.

Connor Hawke— The second Green Arrow and bastard son of Ollie. In love with his father’s young ward.

The Halian Brotherhood- A group formed of various hypothetical sons of Hal Jordan, created only for the sole purpose of seducing and abusing the Cass daughters (see below). They all look almost identical because of the Halmeister's dominant genes, and are all Green Lanterns. Are either the sons of regular women, or of various super-heroines. Notable members are Halpha (son of Hal and of the TG Hal from the Jeph Loeb zone), Dark Haired Hal (much smarter than his half-brothers), He-Halk (son of Hal and She-Hulk), Khal Jordan-El (son of Hal and Kara Zor-El), Green Wizard (son of Hal and Scarlet Witch), Dr Lantern (son of Hal and of Dr Light... The Japanese one, not the crazy rapist), Hal Duck (yes, Hal has all the perversions you can imagine) and Halina (see the Legion of Future Cass Daughters). Are currently banished in the Shadow Realm.

Hellboy– Sounds like Slade.

Henchia- A female Henchie. Very little is known about her besides the fact that she's a little too helpful.

Heroes for Hire- Mistaken by Cass for an S&M club.

Hulk- Hulk invade Earth. Hulk smash puny Rubber Man, Tin Man and Bald Man. Why they send Hulk away? Why they kill Hulk's wife? Grrr. Hulk make them pay.

J. Jonah Jameson- Hot headed editor. Hated by Spider Jerusalem.

Jade- The golden age Green Lantern's daughter. Currently dead and in Kyle Rayner's fridge. Was the Wicked Witch of the West in Cass's trip to Oz. Not She-Hulk no matter what anybody says.

The Joker- Psychotic clown. Killed the lame Joker from 'The Batman'. Tries to shoot Cass every day, like clockwork.

J'onn J'onzz- Manhunter from Mars obsessed with Oreo ripoff cookies Chocos. Winick wants to turn him gay.

The Goddamn Hal Jordan— Horribly whipped and mild-mannered Green Lantern. A shame to all other alternate Halmeisters.

Katana- Outsider and samurai. Winick made her a drunk.

Silver Age Lois Lane— Actually did some reporting when she wasn’t attempting to reveal Superman’s secret identity or marry him.

Leslie, the Cablinasian Hermaphrodite— A multicultural replacement character. Briefly was Booster Gold and Supernova.

The Living Tribunal- Resided over the Multi-phasic Court. Once served time in the British Parliament.

Maxwell Lord- randomly turned evil then killed. Still better off than Nightwing.

Matrix- Gloop of shape shifting protoplasmic goo from a pocket dimension with a good Lex Luthor before coming to DC's dimension and starting over. *gasp, gasp, wheeze* Oh! And may or may not exist anymore.

Metamorpho- Elemental man. If Winick had his way he wouldn't be able to quit J'onn J'onzz.

Miho- Cass's Ninja contemporary from Sin City and current champion of intercompany tournament (Only because Cass didn't compete though).

Mirage- Member of the Minor Titans Union. Once raped Nightwing... yeah yeah, join the club.

Mogo- Sentient Green Lantern planet. Once persuaded the Earth not to commit suicide.

Monarch- Reused character name from Countdown that's supposed to be mysterious but just ended up plain boring.

Renee Montoya- Lesbian cop and the new Question. Yes, you heard me right...

Mr. Terrific- One of the best scientific minds in the DCU. Discovered DiDio's diversity vision.

Murmer— Psychotic serial killer and Flash rogue with a stitched mouth. The singer—and sadly, most talented member—in Tim’s band.

Obsidian- Alan Scott's son. He's one of a few gay male DC characters. Occasionally insane.

Aunt May Parker— Unintentionally poisons her nephew’s friends on a semi-regular basis.

Valerie Perez- Took Bart Allen's virginity. Appeared at his funeral.

Pied Piper- Former Flash rogue and another of the few gay males in the DCU. Likes to play the flute *snicker*

Power Boy- Only male hero ever with a boob hole. Was a psycho stalker and it got him assaulted by the Supergirls.

Red Star- Russian Titan and member of the Minor Titans Union.

Holly Robinson- Lesbian and one of the current Catwomen.

Robotman- Member of the Doom Patrol and John Byrne hater.

Rose Tyler- Dr. Who's sidekick.

Maggie Sawyer- Another Lesbian cop.

Helena Sandsmark- Wonder Girl mother. Ignored for more Conner angst. FUN FACT: Uses the same model as Iris Allen, though with different colors.

The Scarecrow- Fear-based Batman villain. Fittingly played the "Scarecrow" in the Casstoons "Wizard of Oz" parody.

The Scooby Doo Gang— Cass spent the missing year with them.

Alan Scott- Original Green Lantern. Cass once smacked him with a tree branch.

She-Hulk- She's a strong, independent woman, damnit. She doesn't need to be in a relationship to give her life meaning. So what if she has lots of one-night stands and quick, physical relationships. It's just a sign of her independence and equality of gender. Right??? She happens to be a lawyer.

Skeletor and Evil Warriors- Tri-Klops, Mer-Man, et. Al. Cass once was sold to their world. They’re all incompetent.

Stargirl- Still in the JSA.

Steel- One of the best scientific minds in the DCU. Discovered DiDio's Diversity Vision.

Silver Age Supergirl- Put the modern Supergirl on trial for the right to exist. Lost because of editorial mandate. This arc was later paralleled in the actual comics. The outcome was the same.

Surge- Member of the New X-Men.

Tempest- He was Aqualad, dammit! A founding Titan yet still considered unimportant.

The cast of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles— Enlisted Cass to their cause briefly.

Terra II- Killed by Black Adam, and still complains post-mortum. How did she survive? Well, nobody knows how she was even created, so we'll plead the fifth.

Meloni Thawne- Bart Allen's mother, appeared at his funeral. Bart obviously got his hair from her side of the family.

Thunder- Outsider and Grace Choi's girlfriend. Has no personality other than being gay and having daddy issues, which is to say, she has more personality than Batwoman.

V- He remembers, remembers, the fifth of November. He sees no reason the Gunpowder Treason should ever be forgot.

Various versions of Cass (Such as a Liefeldian Cass)

Wally West- Was the Flash. Replaced by Bart Allen. Then replaced Bart Allen. Yeahbuhwhat?

Judd Winick- Former Real World-er and DC writer who likes to turn his characters gay and/or give them AIDS. Referenced quite often- only appeared once, and off panel at that.

XS- Legionnaire Cousin of Bart Allen, appeared at his funeral. Possibly erased from history.

Zapp Rowsdower- Canadian actor from the "smash hit" action thriller "Final Sacrifice", lampooned on MST3K. Filled the position of the "Tin Man" in the Wizard of Oz Parody because he had beer.

'''The Society of Future Cass Daughters'''

Batgirl Beyond- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Terry McGinnis. Just a wee bit ditsy. Failed to get into the Legion of Cass Daughters.

Cade Wilson- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Deathstrike. Evil and raided the Legion's file room for mysterious reasons.

Cassa Fett- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Boba Fett. Member of the Meter Maid Guild. Tends to get eaten by Sarlaccs a lot. Failed to get into the Legion of Cass Daughters.

Cassbo— The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Lobo. An archbishop at the First Celestial Refried Triple-Fish God Church and Truck Stop.

Goldie- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Booster Gold. Will do anything for a promotion deal. Founding member of the Legion of Cass Daughters.

Halina Jordan— The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Hal Jordan. Every bit the sexual deviant of her father, though a brilliant super hero and an entrepreneur.

Irina Schwab, CPA- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Ambush Bug. Works for the IRS. Words can not describe how boring she is. Not depressed like Nightwing, but dreadfully, dreadfully dull. Failed to get into the Legion of Cass Daughters.

Josie Hex— The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Jonah Hex. Can spit with perfect aim.

Lil' Cassie Wilson- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Deadpool. Leads the League of Cass Daughters.

Nina the Kryptonian Ninja- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Superboy. For some reason, she speaks Japanese as a primary language. Founding member of the Legion of Cass-Daughters.

Obscurity- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and The Shade. Her real name is Cassiopea Swift-Cain. Well-educated, mysterious, martial artist, and mistress of darkness. Has once sent the entire Halian Brotherhood in the Shadow Realm.

Query- Hypothetical daughter of Cass and The Question. Likes to look at people’s underwear.

Skats- Supposedly Skeets's daughter and Goldie's sidekick. Can also be used as a phone.

Spider-Girl— May Parker, the possible daughter of Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson. Claimed to be a daughter of Cass to make entry to the Society but failed.

Tonya— Hypothetical daughter of Tony Stark—the Iron Man—and Cass. An alcoholic at the age of six!

Vickie von Doom- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Dr. Doom. Received her doctorate at the Yellow Claw's Manicurist Academy. Failed to get into the Legion of Cass Daughters.

There is also a standard character model that Espanolbot uses frequently when a minor character (Such as a doctor or a shopkeep, for instance) is needed, rather than drawing a new one each time.

[[Category:Superdickery Related]]
[[Category:Comics Related]]

Casstoons

Pivitor — Sat, 07 Jul 2007 04:56:03 GMT

Pivitor: /* Characters and People that have appeared in the Casstoons */

'''Casstoons''' is the name of a stripcomic, drawn by [[EspanolBot]], and written by [[Drink]], although other writers (such as [[Ing]] or [[Justin Carr]]) have contributed to it. It describes the diverse misadventures of Cassandra Cain, the third [[Batgirl]], and Tim Drake, the third [[Robin]], the vast majority of those dealing with the recent editorial decision of DC to make Cass evil.

In a moment of rage following the release of Robin #150, where that storyline began, Drink and Espanolbot, notorious members of the [[Cass Cult]], made a small strip where Cass rips DiDio's face off. If you ask almost anyone, he deserved it.

After this first try, the two members continued to make strips about that editorial decision, always giving Cassandra Cain the major role. Soon, the strips diverged to include other DC characters (and more recently Marvel and Vertigo ones) and to concentrate on other storylines, not necessarily linked to Cass and Tim. The two characters, however, always appear in the strips.

Most characters in the Casstoons are either parodies or caricatures of their comic versions. For example, [[Hal Jordan]] is extremely offensive towards women and minorities, and Iron Man is portrayed with a Martini in hand, a jab at his past as an alcoholic. Cass herself has committed ann increasingly horrific series of murders in her desperation to become 'good' again.

The Casstoons have also produced a daughter comic of sorts featuring Booster Gold in addition to Cass, produced entirely by [[HotAndCold]], who usually uses the comic to express her rage at the handling of Booster in 52.

Casstoons became the most important attraction of the Cass Cain appreciation thread in a matter of weeks. It has also been successfully presented to the official DC message boards and other noteable forums.

==Characters and People that have appeared in the Casstoons==

'''Main Characters'''

Cassandra Cain- The most recent Batgirl. Was turned evil after OYL with no logic involved, and in a fit of rage ripped off DC Editor Dan DiDio's face. Thus began Cass's adventures in Casstoons, as she desperately tries to become good again, find steady work, or just survive sharing an apartment with Tim Drake. She is one of the few who can see the absurdity around her and is often the voice of reason. She is also the Pope of the Catholic Church and the Boxing Champion of the World.

[[Tim Drake]]- The current Robin, and a womanizing dick. Despite his less than pleasant personality he is still usually seen associating with Cass, and she even let him move in her apartment after Damien took over Wayne Manor. He is currently dating Cassie Sandsmark, Rose Wilson, and Mia Dearden (Despite her HIV), often all at once. Tim Drake doesn't ''like'' country music.

Stephanie Brown- Cass's best friend and former costumed hero the Spoiler. Was killed senselessly in the War Games crossover, but Cass made a pseudo-alive scarecrow replica of Stephanie, inspired by 52. She was revived briefly when Tim dabbled in dark magic, then permanently by Death itself. She now lives with Cass and Tim and shares their adventures. She's dating the revived Superboy and works as a secret agent.

'''Reoccurring Characters'''

(In alphabetical order by last name...or code name. You should find who you're looking for under one or the other...)

Access- The guardian over the doorway to DC and Marvel. Access had a vendetta against Cass due to her liberal passage through the universes. Once successfully masqueraded as Evil Cass, which only worked due to Tim’s stupidity.

Adam Strange- Travels space with Animal Man and Starfire. Formerly blind and surly. No longer blind, but still surly.

Animal Man— “Cosmically aware” family man. Stays safe because he knows where his writer lives—and isn’t afraid to do a little mafia-style negotiating.

Arrowette- Sole Young Justice surviving member and possible bastard child of Green Arrow. She’s probably better off that way.

[[Batman]]- Ultimate Superhero. Has the uncanny powers of forgetting his female sidekicks and kidnapping children. He only acknowledges that Batgirl exists when someone mentions her; he's forgotten Spoiler entirely.

Batwoman- She's a lesbian, in case you didn't hear. In fact, it's almost all she ever says. Kinda like a Pokemon.

Beast Boy- Former Teen Titans who hangs out with the main characters. Cass often injures him in one way or another. Slade did Terra in his bed. Drummer of Tim’s band, as an Octopus.

Adam Beechen- The writer who did the story in which Cass went evil. For his own safety, he is rarely shown in the same panel as Cass. He's a rabid Tim Drake fanboy and in all his stories Tim wins by miraculous duex ex machina--even if Tim was not a main character.

Black Canary- Bird of Prey and Cass's friend. Bastardized by Winick back into a damsel in distress.

Brain and Monsiour Mallah- A living brain in a jar. A super-intelligent French gorilla. '''OTP.'''

Booster Gold— Money loving superhero from the future. All the ladies think he has a glorious ass. He was briefly replaced by a Cablinasian hermaphrodite and forced to wear a barrel.

David Cain- Cass's dad. Obsessed with breeding his daughter with eligible bachelors.

Captain Marvel- His "Wisdom of Solomon" has been on the fritz lately.

Captain Marvel Jr.— Bassist of Tim’s band eternally stuck in the fifties. Now undergoing magical trials that make him forget everybody he cares about.

Catman— A little too friendly with Deadshot, if you know what I mean. Member of the Secret Six.

John Constantine- Chainsmoking English magician. Appears occasionally in Casstoons that involve the occult in some fashion. Currently shagging Zatanna.

Damian/Ibn Al Xu'ffacsh- The bastard son of Batman. Possibly the Anti-Christ.

Dan DiDio- Main Editor and essentially the "God" of DC. After he dictated that Batgirl turn evil Cass tore his face off in pure rage. Thanks to some post-reconstructive surgery, he has been reborn as Dankor, based on the villain from Prince of Space. He loves Lesbians and hates the nineties and fun. He also has Diversity Vision.

Linda Danvers— The “Good” Supergirl.

Darkseid- New God. Got his hand broke during Handshake with Cass (Much to her own disbelief).

[[Deadpool]]- Merc with the Mouth and Cass's neighbor at her apartment complex. The two have become friends and often go on adventures together, whether to another dimension or just down to the Pizza Joint on the corner. Often has madcap and nonsensical adventures with the new Blue Beetle, Jaime Reyes.

Deadshot— A little too friendly with Catman, if you know what I mean. Member of the Secret Six.

Mia Dearden— The current Speedy. She has HIV, though it doesn’t seem to affect her or anybody she sleeps with at all. One of Tim’s girlfriends and a former Titan.

Death- Goth and guide to recently deceased souls. Has given Hal and Ollie a free ticket to come back to life after they groped her. Also revived Steph.

Deathstroke- Slade Wilson. Pedophile and leader of the Titans East. He is older than dust. In the CassToons he wears his costume from The Teen Titans Animated series. Because black is a lot cooler than blue scale male.

Ralph Dibny & Dr. Fate helmet- Stretchy hero who's out of his goddamn mind and helmet of a dead hero who he talks to. Turns out he was never insane and now he’s dead and we all feel bad. Solves mysteries with his Ghost Wife, Sue.

Dr. Light- Rapist who was banished to the Shadow realm by the Shade, then raped by Supergirl. He then turned himself in after the ironic rape.

Duela Dent- Lunatic that's possibly the daughter of a supervillain, and member of Titans East. Was killed off after Titans East but somehow survived and attended her own funeral. Likes to pull practical jokes with Jason Todd.

Enigma- The Riddler's Daughter. Nobody knows anything about her. Or cares really. Member of Titans East.

Evil Cass- The version of Cass that appeared in Robin. Is either wearing a "Lil' Shiva" outfit or a Batgirl cowl with a monocle and glowing red eyes. While evil, she isn't particularly bright, despite her wordiness. Quite possibly a schizophrenic fractured personality of Cass.

Boba Fett- Bounty Hunter and acquaintance of Cass.

The Flash- Was Bart Allen, formerly Impulse, who was ludicrously emo. He died, and was replaced by the guy he replaced, Wally West. yeah, it makes no sense to me either.

Forerunner- Intergalactic Mary-Sue from Countdown.

Green Arrow- Man-Whore and Commie Pinko extrordinaire. Waits till they're 18-unless they're an alien.

The [[Goddamn Batman]]- A harder, meaner, drinkinger and Goddamner version of Batman from the 80's. A new issue of his book is put out once a year. He has stubble and likes to eat rats. Once killed by Deadpool (through subterfuge and with help from DiDio) but mysteriously ressurected off-panel. His day job is working at a day care center for the children of superpersons.

The Goddamn Wonder Woman— Hates all men. Or anybody who likes men. Except for when she randomly kisses Superman. At least she’s a woman Miller has written who’s not a whore though!

Barbara Gordon- Formerly Batgirl, currently Oracle. Although surly at times (particularly when dressed as a Dalek), she's Cass's surrogate sister. Believed to secretly worship the Old Ones. Currently dating Ted Kord, the dead Blue Beetle.

Gorilla Grodd— Is not amused by hugs.

Henchie- Cass's Henchman. Mainly used in menial chores. Despite Ninja outfit, he's British. He accidentally went to Oz in a hot air balloon trip gone wrong, and now works as a talent agent for comic characters.

Henchman X- The evil version of Henchie

Jonah Hex- Western Bounty Hunter displaced from time by Cass.

Hippolyta- Queen of the Amazons Attacks. Attacking America for irrational reasons that can only be explained as Editorial Mandate.

Road Hogg- A pig/human type thing, this past character from Cass's series crashed at her place, only to start living with Supergirl after a backfired rape attempt.

Huntress- Bird of Prey and Cass's friend. They often drink Tea together and discuss current events.

Inertia- Bart Allen's nemesis and clone, and a member of Titans East. Has a slight crush on Cass but now dates Sungirl.

Iron Man- Drunken Womanizer and advocate for Superhero registration. Put Cass in charage of the Kansas Initiative.

Geoff Johns— Overworked DC writer. He’s sometimes portrayed as gleefully following DiDio’s orders to sometimes sympathizing with the characters. Recently had his face ripped off by Kyle Rayner, though it is most likely not permanent.

Hal Jordan- The foremost Green Lantern, the Halmeister gets by on his rugged good looks and his 50's style charm. In reality, he's a racist Man-Whore who hasn't got with the times.

Bette Kane- Technically a former Batgirl (Although most won't admit it), Cass repeatedly exacts revenge on this poor doofus to make herself feel better. Apparently immortal.

The Kansas Initiative— Consists of Jay the Jayhawk, Willy the Wildcat, and WuShock, all inept mascots. One of the reserve members is Glinda the Good Witch.

Kid Crusader- Formerly Choirboy, member of Titans East. Fanatic religious nut. Has helped Cass on several occasions but mostly enjoys smiting Kid Devil.

Kid Devil- Member of the Teen Titans. One of few non-fanatical Catholics in comics. Unfortunately he only became religious after selling his soul to the devil. Still better off than Nightwing.

Knockout— Big breasted bisexual member of the Secret Six.

The resurrected corpse of Blue Beetle, Ted Kord- With Band-Aid on head. Currently dating Barbara Gordon.

Selina Kyle- The first Catwoman. Likes to sleep with her boyfriends' sons. Mad at DiDio for giving her a baby without Bruce as its father. Hey, she should be happy! I mean, look how Damien turned out!

Lady Shiva- Cass's mum. Will beat up anybody who besmirches her daughter’s honor. And occasionally she’ll beat up her daughter too.

The League of Cass Villains- A group of mediocre villains that Cass faced: Rigor Mortis- A stiffened corpse, Miss Fire- A near sighted pyrokinetic, and Gelatin Man- The name pretty much describes him, but he's Scottish.

Stan Lee- Oddly enough, was bald in his first appearance, than had hair in subsequent appearances

Lobo- Fraggin' Bastitch who was Cass's rival for the Pope-hood. After a vicious Holy War they came to a truce.

Love Cass- A robotic nymphomaniac version of Cass in a bikini and an increased bustline. A world famous porn star and able to outsex every last Doombot.

The Mad Hatter— Loves hats. Sexually. Former member of the Secret Six.

Mary Marvel- Sweet, innocent, naive and doesn't know what a lesbian is. Of course that means in the DiDioverse she has to be corrupted and seduced.

Match- Bizarro clone of Superboy, member of Titans East. Has dated Duela Dent and Enigma.

Terry McGinnis— Batman Beyond. The object of Cass’s deepest, most passionate fantasies.

Midnighter and Apollo- Comics’ leading gay couple.

Misfit— Quirky teleporter and secretly Jimmy Olsen in drag.

Miss Martian- Horribly cute Teen Titan that every sexual deviant on the JLA wants a piece of. Cass taught them a lesson though. Will likely turn evil within the next decade. Has “Super Water Breath.”

Misty- Zatanna's goth apprentice and princess of the Sheeda. She sent Tim to the TG universe after he hit on the Goths.

The Monitors- Guardians of the 52 universes. Despite their elevated situation in life, still use guns to kill.

Grant Morisson— Possibly overrated meta-textual comic book writer for DC.

'Mystery Villain'- Recurring evil force focused on destroying Cass. Turned out to be Access [see Access]

[[Nightwing]]- Former Robin. He is either a manic depressant or hopelessly emo. No one really bothered to do a proper diagnosis. No matter how bad you got things, you're still better off than Nightwing.

The Devil - AKA [[Jimmy Olsen]]- Hates Cass and all her daughters. Likes to dress in girls' clothing.

Alfred Pennyworth- Batman's Butler. So incredibly English. Only member of the Batfamily with a known age.

Power Girl— Her eyes are not on her chest.

The Punisher– Thinks he’s Captain America.

Harley Quinn— Villainess friend of Cass and abused girlfriend of The Joker. A few cards short of a deck. Member of the Secret Six.

Kyle Rayner- Green Lantern who keeps getting women stuck in his fridge. Currently evil. Tried to extract revenge upon Geoff Johns Cass-style but it was overkill.

Ragdoll— Member of the Secret Six. He’s got no man parts.

Raven- Has the misfortune of having Damien Scott as artist. Also has an ass so beautiful it can bend the minds of men to her very whim. This is also known as the “hypnoass”.

Risk- Had his arm torn off by Superboy Prime. The brunt of many one-armed jokes. Member of Titans East.

Jaime Reyes - The third Blue Beetle. Can usually be found having madcap and nonsensical adventures with Deadpool. Dreams of being a dentist.

Rorschach- Hrrrm.

Vic Sage- News anchor and Objectivist hero, the Question. Knows the truth about Aglets. Faked his own death and is alive and well hiding in Cass's apartment. Knows that A is always A.

Scandal— Person first, lesbian second. A member of the Secret Six and a part of DiDio's lesbian entourage.

The Scarlet Witch— Marvel’s #1 insane retconner. Had a one night stand with Superboy Prime that produced Witch Prime.

Secret- Former member of Young Justice. Could spontaneously combust at any moment.

The Secret Six- Consisting of Catman, Scandal, Deadshot, Ragdoll, Knockout, and Mad Hatter. Harley Quinn has since replaced Mad Hatter. Cass desperately wants to be a part of this team, but will never be allowed to be.

The Shade- Cool anti-hero and anti-rape advocate. Once tried to have Dankor burned as a witch.

Gail Simone- Is never seen, just her doorstep. One of the few non-villainified DC writers. In real life she’s a Casstoon fan.

Sin, AKA Cass Jr.- Adopted daughter of Black Canary, Cass gave Sin a miniature Batgirl cowl of her very own. Will most very likely be killed for dramatic shock effect.

Sinestro- Cass's teacher in EVIL! Currently trying to destroy the multiverse.

Skeets- Robotic sidekick and Pimp. Was briefly possessed by a giant killer butterfly.

Spider Jerusalem- Futuristic journalist also displaced from time by Cass.

Spider-Man- possibly brainwashed by Tony. Likes Jell-O. Married to a supermodel yet hates his life.

Starfire- Photosynthetic nymphomaniac samurai xenomorph. Has adventures in space with Animal Man and Adam Strange. Sex with her is the only thing in the world that can even temporarily cure Nightwing's depression.

Sungirl- Likes to burn stuff. Member of Titans East.

Superboy- Was kept alive as a preserved head by Tim, until revived by dark magic. He's now a head on a giant robotic body—which is fine by him because he can wear jeans again. Currently dating Stephanie Brown.

Superboy Prime- Punch-happy lunatic from another universe. Often called upon in moments of dire need by Cass. Had a one night stand with the Scarlet Witch, producing an offspring whose powers were based entirely around retcons.

[[Supergirl]]- A horrid bitch. Supergirl has become a serial rapist, and often comes to blows with Cass over different subjects, such as how calling Supergirl a one-dimensional character is a compliment. She is trying to become a better person, but it usually depends on the writer and/or what drugs she's on.

Superman- A dick. During a psychotic rampage, Cass smacked him with a kryptonite hammer. Has no idea who Superboy is anymore.

Taskmaster— Memorized Cass’s combat moves and used them to terrorize Deadpool.

The TG-Verse- Many Transgendered version of aforementioned characters, such as Tina for Tim, Cassian for Cass, and Rico for Raven. Their Green Arrow and Green Lantern are a monogamous lesbian couple.

Thanos- Marvel's version of Darkseid (Or vice-versa, whichever came first). He also got his hand broken by Cass.

Leslie Thompkins- bitchy and insane murderer-by-proxy. Willing to perform Lobotomies.

Titans East- Cass's former super team that consists mostly of boneheads. Members include Slade Wilson (Deathstroke), Batgirl (Cass), Duela Dent, Enigma, Kid Crusader, Match, Inertia, Risk, and Sungirl.

Jason Todd- Former Robin, former corpse. Cass has twice one-punched him for trying to usurp the Batgirl role. Likes to dress up as random superheroes and play practical jokes on people with Duela Dent. Has a starring role in the current Countdown.

Donna Troy- Has no idea who she is or what the hell she's doing. Often holds a machine gun.

The Watchers- Marvel's versions of the Monitors. Can only watch, not interfere. Mock the Monitors' use of archaic weaponry. Cass was briefly a Watcher, but quickly quit the job.

Rose Wilson- Cass's one-time rival and current Teen Titan. One of Tim's girls. Might just possibly take it in the eye socket. You know what “it” is…

Witch Prime— Love child of Superboy Prime and the Scarlet Witch. Has “Retcon Vision”. He now fixes wrong pages on Wikipedia.

Wolverine- Semi-omnipotent superhero with claws. Horribly, horribly, horribly short. A member of every Marvel superhero team ever.

[[Wonder Girl]]- Cassandra Sandsmark. Teen Titan and one of Tim's girls. Hopelessly emo, she's usually crying over her dead boyfriend Superboy, who has ironically been resurrected already. Cassie is oblivious to this fact.

Wonder Woman- Gets her lasso stolen regularly. Assaulted Frank Miller once. Was NOT the subject of a 48-page rape comic.

X-23- Definite Wolverine clone and possible Cass clone from Marvel. The two girls were amalgamated by Access.

Professor Charles Xavier- Bald telepath. Explained to Cass the intracite flip-flops of the Marvel Universe. Actively sabotages DC Sales.

Zatanna- Slept with Hal Jordan as part of a deal involving a mindwipe, after Hal saw Miss Martian turn into a naked Green Arrow. Now shagging Constantine.

'''Cameo or minor reoccurring characters'''

Al from Quantum Leap- Likes to leer at Cass's breasts. Sent her home after having his manhood threatened.

Iris Allen- Bart Allen's grandmother. FUN FACT: Uses the same model as Helena Sandsmark, with different colors.

Aquaman- Even lamer than Brokenman.

Ares- God of War. Likes to watch Wonder Girl when she doesn't know it...

The Atom- One of the best minds in the DCU. Has been hiding with the Fraggles in Cass's apartment since Identity Crisis.

“The Batman” Joker- Killed by the real Joker. Yay!

Bat-Mite- Batman's #1 fan from the 5th dimension. Is smitten with Cass.

Black Adam- BLACK ADAM SMASH! Popular slash pairing with the Hulk.

Black Cat– Spider-Man’s Catwoman. Now with 80% more cleavage.

Carol Buckley- Bart Allen's childhood girlfriend DiDio conveniently had forgotten. Appeared at Bart's funeral.

Cable- Liefeldian character and Deadpool's buddy. Is pissed off that Wade left their book and started living next to Cass.

Captain America- Supports Anti-drug groups, despite getting his very powers from drugs. He’s dead now, did’ja hear?

Captain Nazi— Hates freedom.

The Catholic Space-Marines- A trio of cardinals who were so disappointed by Cass' decisions as the pope that they tried to take rid of her while she was busy fighting Lobo. They failed. One was Irish (and possibly gay), the second was from the Miller-verse, and the last one was Nightcrawler, despite being called Roberto.

Jesse Chambers- Formerly Jesse Quick, currently Liberty Belle. Apparantly decided to get a codename that didn't reveal her civilian ID.

Cheshire— Insane assassin who likes to get pregnant. Mother of Roy Harper's daughter.

The Chief- Leader of the Doom Patrol and all-around asshole.

Grace Choi- Outsider and bi!slut. Likes to drink and curse. Not surprisingly, created by Judd Winick.

Cir-El- The Supergirl before Kara. Has a Teutonic accent because she always looks so butch and buff. Most people either don't know about her or have blocked her from their memories.

Cthulhu- Think of a tentacle-rape monster with the Power Cosmic. Cthulhu is a Great Old One who has risen unopposed and eaten some ate some Miskatonic University students.

Jesse Custer- Texan Preacher with the voice of God.

Cyborg- Half man, half machine. Used to fill panel space in Geoff John's "Teen Titans" run. Hasn't had a personality since the 80s.

Cyclops- Dick. Banged Emma Frost on his wife's grave.

Dr. Doom— Lusted for Evil Cass, before Love Cass wore him out. Oh, and evil dictator yadda yadda yadda.

Dream (Daniel)- Death's brother and Cass's English tutor.

Dust- Member of the New X-Men. Wears a form fitting burka.

The Earth- Almost committed suicide once it found out there were ''two'' Kara Zor-Els on Earth!

Egg Fu- GAY FOR EVERYONE!

Elektra– Is a ninja.

The Fraggles- Tiny singing Muppets. A colony lives in a hole in Cass's apartment.

Jay Garrick- Golden Age Flash. Has a kickass hat.

Guy Gardner- The best Green Lantern ever, behind G’nort.

The Goon- Dark Horse character. Just a thug, you mook.

Roy Harper— Red Arrow, formerly Arsenal. Former junkie and chronic changer of costumes. His daughter gets kidnapped a lot.

Connor Hawke— The second Green Arrow and bastard son of Ollie. In love with his father’s young ward.

The Halian Brotherhood- A group formed of various hypothetical sons of Hal Jordan, created only for the sole purpose of seducing and abusing the Cass daughters (see below). They all look almost identical because of the Halmeister's dominant genes, and are all Green Lanterns. Are either the sons of regular women, or of various super-heroines. Notable members are Halpha (son of Hal and of the TG Hal from the Jeph Loeb zone), Dark Haired Hal (much smarter than his half-brothers), He-Halk (son of Hal and She-Hulk), Khal Jordan-El (son of Hal and Kara Zor-El), Green Wizard (son of Hal and Scarlet Witch), Dr Lantern (son of Hal and of Dr Light... The Japanese one, not the crazy rapist), Hal Duck (yes, Hal has all the perversions you can imagine) and Halina (see the Legion of Future Cass Daughters). Are currently banished in the Shadow Realm.

Hellboy– Sounds like Slade.

Henchia- A female Henchie. Very little is known about her besides the fact that she's a little too helpful.

Heroes for Hire- Mistaken by Cass for an S&M club.

Hulk- Hulk invade Earth. Hulk smash puny Rubber Man, Tin Man and Bald Man. Why they send Hulk away? Why they kill Hulk's wife? Grrr. Hulk make them pay.

J. Jonah Jameson- Hot headed editor. Hated by Spider Jerusalem.

Jade- The golden age Green Lantern's daughter. Currently dead and in Kyle Rayner's fridge. Was the Wicked Witch of the West in Cass's trip to Oz. Not She-Hulk no matter what anybody says.

The Joker- Psychotic clown. Killed the lame Joker from 'The Batman'. Tries to shoot Cass every day, like clockwork.

J'onn J'onzz- Manhunter from Mars obsessed with Oreo ripoff cookies Chocos. Winick wants to turn him gay.

The Goddamn Hal Jordan— Horribly whipped and mild-mannered Green Lantern. A shame to all other alternate Halmeisters.

Katana- Outsider and samurai. Winick made her a drunk.

Silver Age Lois Lane— Actually did some reporting when she wasn’t attempting to reveal Superman’s secret identity or marry him.

Leslie, the Cablinasian Hermaphrodite— A multicultural replacement character. Briefly was Booster Gold and Supernova.

The Living Tribunal- Resided over the Multi-phasic Court. Once served time in the British Parliament.

Maxwell Lord- randomly turned evil then killed. Still better off than Nightwing.

Matrix- Gloop of shape shifting protoplasmic goo from a pocket dimension with a good Lex Luthor before coming to DC's dimension and starting over. *gasp, gasp, wheeze* Oh! And may or may not exist anymore.

Metamorpho- Elemental man. If Winick had his way he wouldn't be able to quit J'onn J'onzz.

Miho- Cass's Ninja contemporary from Sin City and current champion of intercompany tournament (Only because Cass didn't compete though).

Mirage- Member of the Minor Titans Union. Once raped Nightwing... yeah yeah, join the club.

Mogo- Sentient Green Lantern planet. Once persuaded the Earth not to commit suicide.

Monarch- Reused character name from Countdown that's supposed to be mysterious but just ended up plain boring.

Renee Montoya- Lesbian cop and the new Question. Yes, you heard me right...

Mr. Terrific- One of the best scientific minds in the DCU. Discovered DiDio's diversity vision.

Murmer— Psychotic serial killer and Flash rogue with a stitched mouth. The singer—and sadly, most talented member—in Tim’s band.

Obsidian- Alan Scott's son. He's one of a few gay male DC characters. Occasionally insane.

Aunt May Parker— Unintentionally poisons her nephew’s friends on a semi-regular basis.

Valerie Perez- Took Bart Allen's virginity. Appeared at his funeral.

Pied Piper- Former Flash rogue and another of the few gay males in the DCU. Likes to play the flute *snicker*

Power Boy- Only male hero ever with a boob hole. Was a psycho stalker and it got him assaulted by the Supergirls.

Red Star- Russian Titan and member of the Minor Titans Union.

Holly Robinson- Lesbian and one of the current Catwomen.

Robotman- Member of the Doom Patrol and John Byrne hater.

Rose Tyler- Dr. Who's sidekick.

Maggie Sawyer- Another Lesbian cop.

Helena Sandsmark- Wonder Girl mother. Ignored for more Conner angst. FUN FACT: Uses the same model as Iris Allen, though with different colors.

The Scarecrow- Fear-based Batman villain. Fittingly played the "Scarecrow" in the Casstoons "Wizard of Oz" parody.

The Scooby Doo Gang— Cass spent the missing year with them.

Alan Scott- Original Green Lantern. Cass once smacked him with a tree branch.

She-Hulk- She's a strong, independent woman, damnit. She doesn't need to be in a relationship to give her life meaning. So what if she has lots of one-night stands and quick, physical relationships. It's just a sign of her independence and equality of gender. Right??? She happens to be a lawyer.

Skeletor and Evil Warriors- Tri-Klops, Mer-Man, et. Al. Cass once was sold to their world. They’re all incompetent.

Stargirl- Still in the JSA.

Steel- One of the best scientific minds in the DCU. Discovered DiDio's Diversity Vision.

Silver Age Supergirl- Put the modern Supergirl on trial for the right to exist. Lost because of editorial mandate. This arc was later paralleled in the actual comics. The outcome was the same.

Surge- Member of the New X-Men.

Tempest- He was Aqualad, dammit! A founding Titan yet still considered unimportant.

The cast of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles— Enlisted Cass to their cause briefly.

Terra II- Killed by Black Adam, and still complains post-mortum. How did she survive? Well, nobody knows how she was even created, so we'll plead the fifth.

Meloni Thawne- Bart Allen's mother, appeared at his funeral. Bart obviously got his hair from her side of the family.

Thunder- Outsider and Grace Choi's girlfriend. Has no personality other than being gay and having daddy issues, which is to say, she has more personality than Batwoman.

V- He remembers, remembers, the fifth of November. He sees no reason the Gunpowder Treason should ever be forgot.

Various versions of Cass (Such as a Liefeldian Cass)

Wally West- Was the Flash. Replaced by Bart Allen. Then replaced Bart Allen. Yeahbuhwhat?

Judd Winick- Former Real World-er and DC writer who likes to turn his characters gay and/or give them AIDS. Referenced quite often- only appeared once, and off panel at that.

XS- Legionnaire Cousin of Bart Allen, appeared at his funeral. Possibly erased from history.

Zapp Rowsdower- Canadian actor from the "smash hit" action thriller "Final Sacrifice", lampooned on MST3K. Filled the position of the "Tin Man" in the Wizard of Oz Parody because he had beer.

'''The Society of Future Cass Daughters'''

Batgirl Beyond- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Terry McGinnis. Just a wee bit ditsy. Failed to get into the Legion of Cass Daughters.

Cade Wilson- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Deathstrike. Evil and raided the Legion's file room for mysterious reasons.

Cassa Fett- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Boba Fett. Member of the Meter Maid Guild. Tends to get eaten by Sarlaccs a lot. Failed to get into the Legion of Cass Daughters.

Cassbo— The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Lobo. An archbishop at the First Celestial Refried Triple-Fish God Church and Truck Stop.

Goldie- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Booster Gold. Will do anything for a promotion deal. Founding member of the Legion of Cass Daughters.

Halina Jordan— The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Hal Jordan. Every bit the sexual deviant of her father, though a brilliant super hero and an entrepreneur.

Irina Schwab, CPA- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Ambush Bug. Works for the IRS. Words can not describe how boring she is. Not depressed like Nightwing, but dreadfully, dreadfully dull. Failed to get into the Legion of Cass Daughters.

Josie Hex— The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Jonah Hex. Can spit with perfect aim.

Lil' Cassie Wilson- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Deadpool. Leads the League of Cass Daughters.

Nina the Kryptonian Ninja- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Superboy. For some reason, she speaks Japanese as a primary language. Founding member of the Legion of Cass-Daughters.

Obscurity- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and The Shade. Her real name is Cassiopea Swift-Cain. Well-educated, mysterious, martial artist, and mistress of darkness. Has once sent the entire Halian Brotherhood in the Shadow Realm.

Query- Hypothetical daughter of Cass and The Question. Likes to look at people’s underwear.

Skats- Supposedly Skeets's daughter and Goldie's sidekick. Can also be used as a phone.

Spider-Girl— May Parker, the possible daughter of Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson. Claimed to be a daughter of Cass to make entry to the Society but failed.

Tonya— Hypothetical daughter of Tony Stark—the Iron Man—and Cass. An alcoholic at the age of six!

Vickie von Doom- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Dr. Doom. Received her doctorate at the Yellow Claw's Manicurist Academy. Failed to get into the Legion of Cass Daughters.

There is also a standard character model that Espanolbot uses frequently when a minor character (Such as a doctor or a shopkeep, for instance) is needed, rather than drawing a new one each time.

[[Category:Superdickery Related]]
[[Category:Comics Related]]

Casstoons

Pivitor — Fri, 06 Jul 2007 04:20:08 GMT

Pivitor: /* Characters and People that have appeared in the Casstoons */

'''Casstoons''' is the name of a stripcomic, drawn by [[EspanolBot]], and written by [[Drink]], although other writers (such as [[Ing]] or [[Justin Carr]]) have contributed to it. It describes the diverse misadventures of Cassandra Cain, the third [[Batgirl]], and Tim Drake, the third [[Robin]], the vast majority of those dealing with the recent editorial decision of DC to make Cass evil.

In a moment of rage following the release of Robin #150, where that storyline began, Drink and Espanolbot, notorious members of the [[Cass Cult]], made a small strip where Cass rips Didio's face off. If you ask almost anyone, he deserved it.

After this first try, the two members continued to make strips about that editorial decision, always giving Cassandra Cain the major role. Soon, the strips diverged to include other DC characters (and more recently Marvel and Vertigo ones) and to concentrate on other storylines, not necessarily linked to Cass and Tim. The two characters, however, always appear in the strips.

Most characters in the Casstoons are either parodies or caricatures of their comic versions. For example, [[Hal Jordan]] is extremely offensive towards women and minorities, and Iron Man is portrayed with a Martini in hand, a jab at his past as an alchoholic. Cass herself has committed ann increasingly horrific series of murders in her desperation to become 'good' again.

The Casstoons have also produced a daughter comic of sorts featuring Booster Gold in addition to Cass, produced entirely by [[HotAndCold]], who usually uses the comic to express her rage at the handling of Booster in 52.

Casstoons became the most important attraction of the Cass Cain appreciation thread in a matter of weeks. It has also been successfully presented to the official DC message boards and other noteable forums.

==Characters and People that have appeared in the Casstoons==

'''Main Characters'''

Cassandra Cain- The most recent Batgirl. Was turned evil after OYL with no logic involved, and in a fit of rage ripped off DC Editor Dan Didio's face. Thus began Cass's adventures in Casstoons, as she desperately tries to become good again, find steady work, or just survive sharing an apartment with Tim Drake. She is one of the few who can see the absurdity around her and is often the voice of reason. She is also the Pope of the Catholic Church and the Boxing Champion of the World.

[[Tim Drake]]- The current Robin, and a womanizing dick. Despite his less than pleasant personality he is still usually seen associating with Cass, and she even let him move in her apartment after Damien took over Wayne Manor. He is currently dating Cassie Sandsmark, Rose Wilson, and Mia Dearden (Despite her HIV), often all at once. Tim Drake doesn't ''like'' country music.

Stephanie Brown- Cass's best friend and former costumed hero the Spoiler. Was killed senselessly in the War Games crossover, but Cass made a pseudo-alive scarecrow replica of Stephanie, inspired by 52. She was revived briefly when Tim dabbled in dark magic, then permanently by Death itself. She now lives with Cass and Tim and shares their adventures. She's dating the revived Superboy and works as a secret agent.

'''Reoccuring Characters'''

(In alphabetical order by last name...or code name. You should find who you're looking for under one or the other...)

Access- The guardian over the doorway to DC and Marvel. Access had a vendetta against Cass due to her liberal passage through the universes. Once successfully masqueraded as Evil Cass, which only worked due to Tim’s stupidity.

Adam Strange- Travels space with Animal Man and Starfire. Formerly blind and surly. No longer blind, but still surly.

Animal Man— “Cosmically aware” family man. Stays safe because he knows where his writer lives—and isn’t afraid to do a little mafia-style negotiating.

Arrowette- Sole Young Justice surviving member and possible bastard child of Green Arrow. She’s probably better off that way.

[[Batman]]- Ultimate Superhero. Has the uncanny powers of forgetting his female sidekicks and kidnapping children. He only acknowledges that Batgirl exists when someone mentions her; he's forgotten Spoiler entirely.

Batwoman- She's a lesbian, in case you didn't hear. In fact, it's almost all she ever says. Kinda like a Pokemon.

Beast Boy- Former Teen Titans who hangs out with the main characters. Cass often injures him in one way or another. Slade did Terra in his bed. Drummer of Tim’s band, as an Octopus.

Adam Beechen- The writer who did the story in which Cass went evil. For his own safety, he is rarely shown in the same panel as Cass. He's a rabid Tim Drake fanboy and in all his stories Tim wins by miraculous duex ex machina--even if Tim was not a main character.

Black Canary- Bird of Prey and Cass's friend. Bastardized by Winick back into a damsel in distress.

Brain and Monsiour Mallah- A living brain in a jar. A super-intelligent French gorilla. '''OTP.'''

Booster Gold— Money loving superhero from the future. All the ladies think he has a glorious ass. He was briefly replaced by a Cablinasian hermaphrodite and forced to wear a barrel.

David Cain- Cass's dad. Obsessed with breeding his daughter with eligible bachelors.

Captain Marvel- His "Wisdom of Solomon" has been on the fritz lately.

Captain Marvel Jr.— Bassist of Tim’s band eternally stuck in the fifties. Now undergoing magical trials that make him forget everybody he cares about.

Catman— a little too friendly with Deadshot, if you know what I mean. Member of the Secret Six.

John Constantine- Chainsmoking english magician. Appears occasionally in casstoons that involve the occult in some fashion. Currently shagging Zatanna.

Damian/Ibn Al Xu'ffacsh- The bastard son of Batman. Possibly the Anti-Christ.

Dan DiDio- Main Editor and essentially the "God" of DC. After he dictaced that Batgirl turn evil Cass tore his face off in pure rage. Thanks to some post-reconstructive surgery, he has been reborn as Dankor, based on the villian from Prince of Space. He loves Lesbians and hates the nineties and fun. He also has Diversity Vision.

Linda Danvers— The “Good” Supergirl.

Darkseid- New God. Got his hand broke during Handshake with Cass (Much to her own disbelief).

[[Deadpool]]- Merc with the Mouth and Cass's neighbour at her apartment complex. The two have become friends and often go on adventures together, whether to another dimension or just down to the Pizza Joint on the corner. Often has madcap and nonsensical adventures with the new Blue Beetle, Jaime Reyes.

Deadshot— A little too friendly with Catman, if you know what I mean. Member of the Secret Six.

Mia Dearden— the current Speedy. She has HIV, though it doesn’t seem to affect her or anybody she sleeps with at all. One of Tim’s girlfriends and a former Titan.

Death- Goth and guide to recently deceased souls. Has given Hal and Ollie a free ticket to come back to life after they groped her. Also revived Steph.

Deathstroke- Pedophile and leader of the Titans East. He is older than dust.

Ralph Dibny & Dr. Fate helmet- Stretchy hero who's out of his goddamn mind and helmet of a dead hero who he talks to. Turns out he was never insane and now he’s dead and we all feel bad. Solves mysteries with his Ghost Wife, Sue.

Dr. Light- Rapist who was banished to the Shadow realm by the Shade, then raped by Supergirl. He then turned himself in after the ironic rape.

Duela Dent- Lunatic that's possibly the daughter of a supervillain, and member of Titans East. Was killed off after Titans East but somehow survived and attended her own funeral. Likes to pull practical jokes with Jason Todd.

Enigma- The Riddlers Daughter. Nobody knows anything about her. Or cares really. Member of Titans East.

Evil Cass- The version of Cass that appeared in Robin. Is either wearing a "Lil' Shiva" outfit or a Batgirl cowl with a monocle and glowing red eyes. While evil, she isn't particularly bright, despite her wordiness. Quite possibly a schizophrenic fractured personality of Cass.

Boba Fett- Bounty Hunter and acquaintance of Cass.

The Flash- Was Bart Allen, formerly Impulse, who was ludicrously emo. He died, and was replaced by the guy he replaced, Wally West. yeah, it makes no sense to me either.

Forerunner- Intergalactic Mary-Sue from Countdown.

Green Arrow- Man-Whore and Commie Pinko extrordinaire. Waits till they're 18-unless they're an alien.

The [[Goddamn Batman]]- A harder, meaner, drinkinger and Goddamner version of Batman from the 80's. A new issue of his book is put out once a year. He has stubble and likes to eat rats. Once killed by Deadpool (through subterfuge and with help from DiDio) but mysteriously ressurected off-panel. His day job is working at a day care center for the children of superpersons.

The Goddamn Wonder Woman— Hates all men. Or anybody who likes men. Except for when she randomly kisses Superman. At least she’s a woman Miller has written who’s not a whore though!

Barbara Gordon- Formerly Batgirl, currently Oracle. Although surly at times (particularly when dressed as a Dalek), she's Cass's surrogate sister. Believed to secretly worship the Old Ones. Currently dating Ted Kord, the dead Blue Beetle.

Gorilla Grodd— is not amused by hugs.

Henchie- Cass's Henchman. Mainly used in menial chores. Despite Ninja outfit, he's British. He accidentally went to Oz in a hot air balloon trip gone wrong, and now works as a talent agent for comic characters.

Henchman X- The evil version of Henchie

Jonah Hex- Western Bounty Hunter displaced from time by Cass.

Road Hogg- A pig/human type thing, this past character from Cass's series crashed at her place, only to start living with Supergirl after a backfired rape attempt.

Huntress- Bird of Prey and Cass's friend. They often drink Tea together and discuss current events.

Inertia- Bart Allen's nemesis and clone, and a member of Titans East. Has a slight crush on Cass but now dates Sungirl.

Iron Man- Drunken Womanizer and advocate for Superhero registration. Put Cass in charage of the Kansas Initiative.

Geoff Johns— Overworked DC writer. He’s sometimes portrayed as gleefully following Didio’s orders to sometimes sympathizing with the characters. Recently had his face ripped off by Kyle Rayner, though it is most likely not permanent.

Hal Jordan- The foremost Green Lantern, the Halmeister gets by on his rugged good looks and his 50's style charm. In reality, he's a racist Man-Whore who hasn't got with the times.

Bette Kane- Technically a former Batgirl (Although most won't admit it), Cass repeatedly exacts revenge on this poor doofus to make herself feel better. Apparently immortal.

The Kansas Initiative— Consists of Jay the Jayhawk, Willy the Wildcat, and WuShock, all inept mascots. One of the reserve members is Glinda the Good Witch.

Kid Crusader- Formerly Choirboy, member of Titans East. Fanatic religious nut. Has helped Cass on several occasions but mostly enjoys smiting Kid Devil.

Kid Devil- Member of the Teen Titans. One of few non-fanatical Catholics in comics. Unfortunately he only became religious after selling his soul to the devil. Still better off than Nightwing.

Knockout— Big breasted bisexual member of the Secret Six.

The resurrected corpse of Blue Beetle, Ted Kord- With Band-Aid on head. Currently dating Barbara Gordon.

Selina Kyle- The first Catwoman. Likes to sleep with her boyfriends' sons. Mad at Didio for giving her a baby without Bruce as its father. Hey, she should be happy! I mean, look how Damien turned out!

Lady Shiva- Cass's mum. Will beat up anybody who besmirches her daughter’s honor. And occasionally she’ll beat up her daughter too.

The League of Cass Villians- A group of mediocre villains that Cass faced: Rigor Mortis- A stiffened corpse, Miss Fire- A near sighted pyrokinetic, and Gelatin Man- The name pretty much describes him, but he's Scottish.

Stan Lee- Oddly enough, was bald in his first appearance, than had hair in subsequent appearances

Lobo- Fraggin' Bastitch who was Cass's rival for the Pope-hood. After a vicious Holy War they came to a truce.

Love Cass- A robotic nymphomaniac version of Cass in a bikini and an increased bustline. A world famous porn star and able to outsex every last Doombot.

The Mad Hatter— Loves hats. Sexually. Former member of the Secret Six.

Mary Marvel- Sweet, innocent, naive and doesn't know what a lesbian is. Of course that means in the DiDioverse she has to be corrupted and seduced.

Match- Bizarro clone of Superboy, member of Titans East. Has dated Duela Dent and Enigma.

Terry McGinnis— Batman Beyond. The object of Cass’s deepest, most passionate fantasies.

Midnighter and Apollo- Comics’ leading gay couple.

Misfit— Quirky teleporter and secretly Jimmy Olsen in drag.

Miss Martian- Horribly cute Teen Titan that every sexual deviant on the JLA wants a piece of. Cass taught them a lesson though. Will likely turn evil within the next decade. Has “Super Water Breath.”

Misty- Zatanna's goth apprentice and princess of the Sheeda. She sent Tim to the TG universe after he hit on the Goths.

Grant Morisson—Possibly overrated meta-textual comic book writer for DC.

'Mystery Villain'- Recurring evil force focused on destroying Cass. Turned out to be Access [see Access]

[[Nightwing]]- Former Robin. He is either a manic depressant or hopelessly emo. No one really bothered to do a proper diagnosis. No matter how bad you got things, you're still better off than Nightwing.

The Devil - AKA [[Jimmy Olsen]]- Hates Cass and all her daughters. Likes to dress in girls' clothing.

Alfred Pennyworth- Batman's Butler. So incredibly English. Only member of the Batfamily with a known age.

Power Girl— Her eyes are not on her chest.

The Punisher– Thinks he’s Captain America.

Harley Quinn— Villainess friend of Cass and abused girlfriend of The Joker. A few cards short of a deck. Member of the Secret Six.

Kyle Rayner- Green Lantern who keeps getting women stuck in his fridge. Currently evil. Tried to extract revenge upon Geoff Johns Cass-style but it was overkill.

Ragdoll— Member of the Secret Six. He’s got no man parts.

Raven- Has the misfortune of having Damien Scott as artist. Also has an ass so beautiful it can bend the minds of men to her very whim. This is also known as the “hypnoass”.

Risk- Had his arm torn off by Superboy Prime. The brunt of many one-armed jokes. Member of Titans East.

Jaime Reyes - The third Blue Beetle. Can usually be found having madcap and nonsensical adventures with Deadpool. Dreams of being a dentist.

Rorschach- Hrrrm.

Vic Sage- News anchor and Objectivist hero, the Question. Knows the truth about Aglets. Faked his own death and is alive and well hiding in Cass's apartment. Knows that A is always A.

Scandal— Person first, lesbian second. A member of the Secret Six and a part of DiDio's lesbian entourage.

The Scarlet Witch— Marvel’s #1 insane retconner. Had a one night stand with Superboy Prime that produced Witch Prime.

Secret- Former member of Young Justice. Could spontaneously combust at any moment.

The Secret Six- Consisting of Catman, Scandal, Deadshot, Ragdoll, Knockout, and Mad Hatter. Harley Quinn has since replaced Mad Hatter. Cass desperately wants to be a part of this team, but will never be allowed to be.

The Shade- Cool anti-hero and anti-rape advocate. Once tried to have Dankor burned as a witch.

Gail Simone- Is never seen, just her doorstep. One of the few non-villainified DC writers. In real life she’s a Casstoon fan.

Sin, AKA Cass Jr.- Adopted daughter of Black Canary, Cass gave Sin a miniature Batgirl cowl of her very own. Will most very likely be killed for dramatic shock effect.

Sinestro- Cass's teacher in EVIL! Currently trying to destroy the multiverse.

Skeets- Robotic sidekick and Pimp. Was briefly possessed by a giant killer butterfly.

Spider Jerusalem- Futuristic journalist also displaced from time by Cass.

Spider-Man- possibly brainwashed by Tony. Likes Jell-O. Married to a supermodel yet hates his life.

Starfire- Photosynthetic nymphomaniac samurai xenomorph. Has adventures in space with Animal Man and Adam Strange. Sex with her is the only thing in the world that can even temporarily cure Nightwing's depression.

Sungirl- Likes to burn stuff. Member of Titans East.

Superboy- Was kept alive as a preserved head by Tim, until revived by dark magic. He's now a head on a giant robotic body—which is fine by him because he can wear jeans again. Currently dating Stephanie Brown.

Superboy Prime- punch-happy lunatic from another universe. Often called upon in moments of dire need by Cass. Had a one night stand with the Scarlet Witch, producing an offspring whose powers were based entirely around retcons.

[[Supergirl]]- A horrid bitch. Supergirl has become a serial rapist, and often comes to blows with Cass over different subjects, such as how calling Supergirl a one-dimensional character is a compliment. She is trying to become a better person, but it usually depends on the writer and/or what drugs she's on.

Superman- A dick. During a psychotic rampage, Cass smacked him with a kryptonite hammer. Has no idea who Superboy is anymore.

Taskmaster— Memorized Cass’s combat moves and used them to terrorize Deadpool.

The TG-Verse- Many Transgendered version of aforementioned characters, such as Tina for Tim, Cassian for Cass, and Rico for Raven. Their Green Arrow and Green Lantern are a monogamous lesbian couple.

Thanos- Marvel's version of Darkseid (Or vice-versa, whichever came first). He also got his hand broken by Cass.

Leslie Thompkins- bitchy and insane murderer-by-proxy. Willing to perform Lobotomies.

Titans East- Cass's former super team that consists mostly of boneheads. Members include Slade Wilson (Deathstroke), Batgirl (Cass), Duela Dent, Enigma, Kid Crusader, Match, Inertia, Risk, and Sungirl.

Jason Todd- Former Robin, former corpse. Cass has twice one-punched him for trying to usurp the Batgirl role. Likes to dress up as random superheroes and play practical jokes on people with Duela Dent. Has a starring role in the current Countdown.

Donna Troy- Has no idea who she is or what the hell she's doing. Often holds a machine gun.

Rose Wilson- Cass's one-time rival and current Teen Titan. One of Tim's girls. Might just possibly take it in the eye socket. You know what “it” is…

Witch Prime— Love child of Superboy Prime and the Scarlet Witch. Has “Retcon Vision”. He now fixes wrong pages on Wikipedia.

Wolverine- Semi-omnipotent superhero with claws. Horribly, horribly, horribly short. A member of every Marvel superhero team ever.

[[Wonder Girl]]- Cassandra Sandsmark. Teen Titan and one of Tim's girls. Hopelessly emo, she's usually crying over her dead boyfriend Superboy, who has ironically been ressurected already. Cassie is oblivious to this fact.

Wonder Woman- Gets her lasso stolen regularly. Assaulted Frank Miller once. Was NOT the subject of a 48-page rape comic.

X-23- Definite Wolverine clone and possible Cass clone from Marvel. The two girls were amalgamated by Access.

Professor Charles Xavier- Bald telepath. Explained to Cass the intracite flip-flops of the Marvel Universe. Actively sabotages DC Sales.

Zatanna- Slept with Hal Jordan as part of a deal involving a mindwipe, after Hal saw Miss Martian turn into a naked Green Arrow. Now shagging Constantine.

'''Cameo or minor reoccuring characters'''

Al from Quantum Leap- Likes to leer at Cass's breasts. Sent her home after having his manhood threatened.

Iris Allen- Bart Allen's grandmother. FUN FACT: Uses the same model as Helena Sandsmark, with different colors.

Aquaman- Even lamer than Brokenman.

The Atom- One of the best minds in the DCU. Has been hiding with the Fraggles in Cass's apartment since Identity Crisis.

“The Batman” Joker- Killed by the real Joker. Yay!

Bat-Mite- Batman's #1 fan from the 5th dimension. Is smitten with Cass.

Black Adam- BLACK ADAM SMASH! Popular slash pairing with the Hulk.

Black Cat– Spider-Man’s Catwoman. Now with 80% more cleavage.

Carol Buckley- Bart Allen's childhood girlfriend Didio conveniently had forgotten. Appeared at Bart's funeral.

Cable- Liefeldian character and Deadpool's buddy. Is pissed off that Wade left their book and started living next to Cass.

Captain America- Supports Anti-drug groups, despite getting his very powers from drugs. He’s dead now, did’ja hear?

Captain Nazi— Hates freedom.

The Catholic Space-Marines- a trio of cardinals who were so disappointed by Cass' decisions as the pope that they tried to take rid of her while she was busy fighting Lobo. They failed. One was Irish (and possibly gay), the second was from the Miller-verse, and the last one was Nightcrawler, despite being called Roberto.

Jesse Chambers- Formerly Jesse Quick, currently Liberty Belle. Apparantly decided to get a codename that didn't reveal her civilian ID.

Cheshire— Insane assassin who likes to get pregnant. Mother of Roy Harper's daughter.

The Chief- Leader of the Doom Patrol and all-around asshole.

Grace Choi- Outsider and bi!slut. Likes to drink and curse. Not surprisingly, created by Judd Winick.

Cir-El- The Supergirl before Kara. Has a Teutonic accent because she always looks so butch and buff. Most people either don't know about her or have blocked her from their memories.

Cthulhu- Think of a tentacle-rape monster with the Power Cosmic. Cthulhu is a Great Old One who has risen unopposed and eaten some ate some Miskatonic University students.

Jesse Custer- Texan Preacher with the voice of God.

Cyborg- Half man, half machine. Used to fill panel space in Geoff John's "Teen Titans" run. Hasn't had a personality since the 80s.

Cyclops- Dick. Banged Emma Frost on his wife's grave.

Dr. Doom— Lusted for Evil Cass, before Love Cass wore him out. Oh, and evil dictator yadda yadda yadda.

Dream (Daniel)- Death's brother and Cass's English tutor.

Dust- Member of the New X-Men. Wears a form fitting burka.

The Earth- Almost committed suicide once it found out there were ''two'' Kara Zor-Els on Earth!

Egg Fu- GAY FOR EVERYONE!

Elektra– Is a ninja.

The Fraggles- Tiny singing Muppets. A colony lives in a hole in Cass's apartment.

Jay Garrick- Golden Age Flash. Has a kickass hat.

Guy Gardner- The best Green Lantern ever, behind G’nort.

The Goon- Dark Horse character. Just a thug, you mook.

Roy Harper— Red Arrow, formerly Arsenal. Former junkie and chronic changer of costumes. His daughter gets kidnapped a lot.

Connor Hawke— The second Green Arrow and bastard son of Ollie. In love with his father’s young ward.

The Halian Brotherhood- A group formed of various hypothetical sons of Hal Jordan, created only for the sole purpose of seducing and abusing the Cass daughters (see below). They all look almost identical because of the Halmeister's dominant genes, and are all Green Lanterns. Are either the sons of regular women, or of various super-heroines. Notable members are Halpha (son of Hal and of the TG Hal from the Jeph Loeb zone), Dark Haired Hal (much smarter than his half-brothers), He-Halk (son of Hal and She-Hulk), Khal Jordan-El (son of Hal and Kara Zor-El), Green Wizard (son of Hal and Scarlet Witch), Dr Lantern (son of Hal and of Dr Light... The japanese one, not the crazy rapist), Hal Duck (yes, Hal has all the perversions you can imagine) and Halina (see the Legion of Future Cass Daughters). Are currently banished in the Shadow Realm.

Hellboy– Sounds like Slade.

Henchia- A female Henchie. Very little is known about her besides the fact that she's a little too helpful.

Heroes for Hire- Mistaken by Cass for an S&M club.

Hulk- Hulk invade Earth. Hulk smash puny Rubber Man, Tin Man and Bald Man. Why they send Hulk away? Why they kill Hulk's wife? Grrr. Hulk make them pay.

J. Jonah Jameson- Hot headed editor. Hated by Spider Jerusalem.

Jade- The golden age Green Lantern's daughter. Currently dead and in Kyle Rayner's fridge. Was the Wicked Witch of the West in Cass's trip to Oz. Not She-Hulk no matter what anybody says.

The Joker- Psychotic clown. Killed the lame Joker from 'The Batman'. Tries to shoot Cass every day, like clockwork.

J'onn J'onzz- Manhunter from Mars obsessed with Oreo ripoff cookies Chocos. Winick wants to turn him gay.

The Goddamn Hal Jordan— Horribly whipped and mild-mannered Green Lantern. A shame to all other alternate Halmeisters.

Katana- Outsider and samurai. Winick made her a drunk.

Silver Age Lois Lane— Actually did some reporting when she wasn’t attempting to reveal Superman’s secret identity or marry him.

Leslie, the Cablinasian Hermaphrodite— A multicultural replacement character. Briefly was Booster Gold and Supernova.

The Living Tribunal- Resided over the Multi-phasic Court. Once served time in the British Parliament.

Maxwell Lord- randomly turned evil then killed. Still better off than Nightwing.

Matrix- Gloop of shape shifting protoplasmic goo from a pocket dimension with a good Lex Luthor before coming to DC's dimension and starting over. *gasp, gasp, wheeze* Oh! And may or may not exist anymore.

Metamorpho- Elemental man. If Winick had his way he wouldn't be able to quit J'onn J'onzz.

Miho- Cass's Ninja contemporary from Sin City and current champion of intercompany tournament (Only because Cass didn't compete though).

Mirage- Member of the Minor Titans Union. Once raped Nightwing... yeah yeah, join the club.

Mogo- Sentient Green Lantern planet. Once persuaded the Earth not to commit suicide.

Monarch- Reused character name from Countdown that's supposed to be mysterious but just ended up plain boring.

Renee Montoya- Lesbian cop and the new Question. Yes, you heard me right...

Mr. Terrific- One of the best scientific minds in the DCU. Discovered DiDio's diversity vision.

Murmer— Psychotic serial killer and Flash rogue with a stitched mouth. The singer—and sadly, most talented member—in Tim’s band.

Obsidian- Alan Scott's son. He's one of a few gay male DC characters. Occasionally insane.

Aunt May Parker— Unintentionally poisons her nephew’s friends on a semi-regular basis.

Valerie Perez- Took Bart Allen's virginity. Appeared at his funeral.

Pied Piper- Former Flash rogue and another of the few gay males in the DCU. Likes to play the flute *snicker*

Power Boy- Only male hero ever with a boob hole. Was a psycho stalker and it got him assaulted by the Supergirls.

Red Star- Russian Titan and member of the Minor Titans Union.

Holly Robinson- Lesbian and one of the current Catwomen.

Robotman- Member of the Doom Patrol and John Byrne hater.

Rose Tyler- Dr. Who's sidekick.

Maggie Sawyer- Another Lesbian cop.

Helena Sandsmark- Wonder Girl mother. Ignored for more Conner wangst. FUN FACT: Uses the same model as Iris Allen, though with different colors.

The Scarecrow- Fear-based Batman villain. Fittingly played the "Scarecrow" in the Casstoons "Wizard of Oz" parody.

The Scooby Doo Gang— Cass spent the missing year with them.

Alan Scott- Original Green Lantern. Cass once smacked him with a tree branch.

She-Hulk- She's a strong, independent woman, damnit. She doesn't need to be in a relationship to give her life meaning. So what if she has lots of one-night stands and quick, physical relationships. It's just a sign of her independence and equality of gender. Right??? She happens to be a lawyer.

Skeletor and Evil Warriors- Tri-Klops, Mer-Man, et. Al. Cass once was sold to their world. They’re all incompetent.

Stargirl- Still in the JSA.

Steel- One of the best scientific minds in the DCU. Discovered Didio's Diversity Vision.

Silver Age Supergirl- Put the modern Supergirl on trial for the right to exist. Lost because of editorial mandate. This arc was later paralleled in the actual comics. The outcome was the same.

Surge- Member of the New X-Men.

Tempest- He was Aqualad, dammit! A founding Titan yet still considered unimportant.

The cast of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles— Enlisted Cass to their cause briefly.

Terra II- Killed by Black Adam, and still complains post-mortum. How did she survive? Well, nobody knows how she was even created, so we'll plead the fifth.

Meloni Thawne- Bart Allen's mother, appeared at his funeral. Bart obviously got his hair from her side of the family.

Thunder- Outsider and Grace Choi's girlfriend. Has no personality other than being gay and having daddy issues, which is to say, she has more personality than Batwoman.

V- He remembers, remembers, the fifth of November. He sees no reason the Gunpowder Treason should ever be forgot.

Various versions of Cass (Such as a Liefeldian Cass)

Wally West- Was the Flash. Replaced by Bart Allen. Then replaced Bart Allen. Yeahbuhwhat?

Judd Winick- Former Real Worldler and DC writer who likes to turn his characters gay and/or give them AIDS. Referenced quite often- only appeared once, and off panel at that.

XS- Legionairre Cousin of Bart Allen, appeared at his funeral. Possibly erased from history.

Zapp Rowsdower- Canadian actor from the "smash hit" action thriller "Final Sacrifice", lampooned on MST3K. Filled the position of the "Tin Man" in the Wizard of Oz Parody because he had beer.

'''The Society of Future Cass Daughters'''

Batgirl Beyond- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Terry McGinnis. Just a wee bit ditsy.

Cade Wilson- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Deathstrike. Evil and raided the Legion's file room for mysterious reasons.

Cassa Fett- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Boba Fett. Member of the Meter Maid Guild. Tends to get eaten by Sarlaccs a lot. Failed to get into the Legion of Cass Daughters.

Cassbo— The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Lobo. An archbishop at the First Celestial Refried Triple-Fish God Church and Truck Stop.

Goldie- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Booster Gold. Will do anything for a promotion deal. Founding member of the Legion of Cass Daughters.

Halina Jordan— The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Hal Jordan. Every bit the sexual deviant of her father, though a brilliant super hero and an entrepreneur.

Irina Schwab, CPA- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Ambush Bug. Works for the IRS. Words can not describe how boring she is. Not depressed like Nightwing, but dreadfully, dreadfully dull.

Josie Hex— The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Jonah Hex. Can spit with perfect aim.

Lil' Cassie Wilson- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Deadpool. Leads the League of Cass Daughters.

Nina the Kryptonian Ninja- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Superboy. For some reason, she speaks Japanese as a primary language. Founding member of the Legion of Cass-Daughters.

Obscurity- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and The Shade. Her real name is Cassiopea Swift-Cain. Well-educated, mysterious, martial artist, and mistress of darkness. Has once sent the entire Halian Brotherhood in the Shadow Realm.

Query- Hypothetical daughter of Cass and The Question. Likes to look at people’s underwear.

Skats- Supposedly Skeets's daughter and Goldie's sidekick. Can also be used as a phone.

Spider-Girl— May Parker, the possible daughter of Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson. Claimed to be a daughter of Cass to make entry to the Society but failed.

Tonya— Hypothetical daughter of Tony Stark—the Iron Man—and Cass. An alcoholic at the age of six!

Vickie von Doom- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Dr. Doom. Received her doctorate at the Yellow Claw's Manicurist Academy

There is also a standard character model that Espanolbot uses frequently when a minor character (Such as a doctor or a shopkeep, for instance) is needed, rather than drawing a new one each time.

[[Category:Superdickery Related]]
[[Category:Comics Related]]

Casstoons

Pivitor — Fri, 06 Jul 2007 04:11:25 GMT

Pivitor: /* Characters and People that have appeared in the Casstoons */

'''Casstoons''' is the name of a stripcomic, drawn by [[EspanolBot]], and written by [[Drink]], although other writers (such as [[Ing]] or [[Justin Carr]]) have contributed to it. It describes the diverse misadventures of Cassandra Cain, the third [[Batgirl]], and Tim Drake, the third [[Robin]], the vast majority of those dealing with the recent editorial decision of DC to make Cass evil.

In a moment of rage following the release of Robin #150, where that storyline began, Drink and Espanolbot, notorious members of the [[Cass Cult]], made a small strip where Cass rips Didio's face off. If you ask almost anyone, he deserved it.

After this first try, the two members continued to make strips about that editorial decision, always giving Cassandra Cain the major role. Soon, the strips diverged to include other DC characters (and more recently Marvel and Vertigo ones) and to concentrate on other storylines, not necessarily linked to Cass and Tim. The two characters, however, always appear in the strips.

Most characters in the Casstoons are either parodies or caricatures of their comic versions. For example, [[Hal Jordan]] is extremely offensive towards women and minorities, and Iron Man is portrayed with a Martini in hand, a jab at his past as an alchoholic. Cass herself has committed ann increasingly horrific series of murders in her desperation to become 'good' again.

The Casstoons have also produced a daughter comic of sorts featuring Booster Gold in addition to Cass, produced entirely by [[HotAndCold]], who usually uses the comic to express her rage at the handling of Booster in 52.

Casstoons became the most important attraction of the Cass Cain appreciation thread in a matter of weeks. It has also been successfully presented to the official DC message boards and other noteable forums.

==Characters and People that have appeared in the Casstoons==

'''Main Characters'''

Cassandra Cain- The most recent Batgirl. Was turned evil after OYL with no logic involved, and in a fit of rage ripped off DC Editor Dan Didio's face. Thus began Cass's adventures in Casstoons, as she desperately tries to become good again, find steady work, or just survive sharing an apartment with Tim Drake. She is one of the few who can see the absurdity around her and is often the voice of reason. She is also the Pope of the Catholic Church and the Boxing Champion of the World.

[[Tim Drake]]- The current Robin, and a womanizing dick. Despite his less than pleasant personality he is still usually seen associating with Cass, and she even let him move in her apartment after Damien took over Wayne Manor. He is currently dating Cassie Sandsmark, Rose Wilson, and Mia Dearden (Despite her HIV), often all at once. Tim Drake doesn't ''like'' country music.

Stephanie Brown- Cass's best friend and former costumed hero the Spoiler. Was killed senselessly in the War Games crossover, but Cass made a pseudo-alive scarecrow replica of Stephanie, inspired by 52. She was revived briefly when Tim dabbled in dark magic, then permanently by Death itself. She now lives with Cass and Tim and shares their adventures. She's dating the revived Superboy and works as a secret agent.

'''Reoccuring Characters'''

(In alphabetical order by last name...or code name. You should find who you're looking for under one or the other...)

Access- The guardian over the doorway to DC and Marvel. Access had a vendetta against Cass due to her liberal passage through the universes. Once successfully masqueraded as Evil Cass, which only worked due to Tim’s stupidity.

Adam Strange- Travels space with Animal Man and Starfire. Formerly blind and surly. No longer blind, but still surly.

Animal Man— “Cosmically aware” family man. Stays safe because he knows where his writer lives—and isn’t afraid to do a little mafia-style negotiating.

Arrowette- Sole Young Justice surviving member and possible bastard child of Green Arrow. She’s probably better off that way.

[[Batman]]- Ultimate Superhero. Has the uncanny powers of forgetting his female sidekicks and kidnapping children. He only acknowledges that Batgirl exists when someone mentions her; he's forgotten Spoiler entirely.

Batwoman- She's a lesbian, in case you didn't hear. In fact, it's almost all she ever says. Kinda like a Pokemon.

Beast Boy- Former Teen Titans who hangs out with the main characters. Cass often injures him in one way or another. Slade did Terra in his bed. Drummer of Tim’s band, as an Octopus.

Adam Beechen- The writer who did the story in which Cass went evil. For his own safety, he is rarely shown in the same panel as Cass. He's a rabid Tim Drake fanboy and in all his stories Tim wins by miraculous duex ex machina--even if Tim was not a main character.

Black Canary- Bird of Prey and Cass's friend. Bastardized by Winick back into a damsel in distress.

Brain and Monsiour Mallah- A living brain in a jar. A super-intelligent French gorilla. '''OTP.'''

Booster Gold— Money loving superhero from the future. All the ladies think he has a glorious ass. He was briefly replaced by a Cablinasian hermaphrodite and forced to wear a barrel.

David Cain- Cass's dad. Obsessed with breeding his daughter with eligible bachelors.

Captain Marvel- His "Wisdom of Solomon" has been on the fritz lately.

Captain Marvel Jr.— Bassist of Tim’s band eternally stuck in the fifties. Now undergoing magical trials that make him forget everybody he cares about.

Catman— a little too friendly with Deadshot, if you know what I mean. Member of the Secret Six.

John Constantine- Chainsmoking english magician. Appears occasionally in casstoons that involve the occult in some fashion. Currently shagging Zatanna.

Damian/Ibn Al Xu'ffacsh- The bastard son of Batman. Possibly the Anti-Christ.

Dan DiDio- Main Editor and essentially the "God" of DC. After he dictaced that Batgirl turn evil Cass tore his face off in pure rage. Thanks to some post-reconstructive surgery, he has been reborn as Dankor, based on the villian from Prince of Space. He loves Lesbians and hates the nineties and fun. He also has Diversity Vision.

Linda Danvers— The “Good” Supergirl.

Darkseid- New God. Got his hand broke during Handshake with Cass (Much to her own disbelief).

[[Deadpool]]- Merc with the Mouth and Cass's neighbour at her apartment complex. The two have become friends and often go on adventures together, whether to another dimension or just down to the Pizza Joint on the corner. Often has madcap and nonsensical adventures with the new Blue Beetle, Jaime Reyes.

Deadshot— A little too friendly with Catman, if you know what I mean. Member of the Secret Six.

Mia Dearden— the current Speedy. She has HIV, though it doesn’t seem to affect her or anybody she sleeps with at all. One of Tim’s girlfriends and a former Titan.

Death- Goth and guide to recently deceased souls. Has given Hal and Ollie a free ticket to come back to life after they groped her. Also revived Steph.

Deathstroke- Pedophile and leader of the Titans East. He is older than dust.

Ralph Dibny & Dr. Fate helmet- Stretchy hero who's out of his goddamn mind and helmet of a dead hero who he talks to. Turns out he was never insane and now he’s dead and we all feel bad. Solves mysteries with his Ghost Wife, Sue.

Dr. Light- Rapist who was banished to the Shadow realm by the Shade, then raped by Supergirl. He then turned himself in after the ironic rape.

Duela Dent- Lunatic that's possibly the daughter of a supervillain, and member of Titans East. Was killed off after Titans East but somehow survived and attended her own funeral. Likes to pull practical jokes with Jason Todd.

Enigma- The Riddlers Daughter. Nobody knows anything about her. Or cares really. Member of Titans East.

Evil Cass- The version of Cass that appeared in Robin. Is either wearing a "Lil' Shiva" outfit or a Batgirl cowl with a monocle and glowing red eyes. While evil, she isn't particularly bright, despite her wordiness. Quite possibly a schizophrenic fractured personality of Cass.

Boba Fett- Bounty Hunter and acquaintance of Cass.

The Flash- Was Bart Allen, formerly Impulse, who was ludicrously emo. He died, and was replaced by the guy he replaced, Wally West. yeah, it makes no sense to me either.

Forerunner- Intergalactic Mary-Sue from Countdown.

Green Arrow- Man-Whore and Commie Pinko extrordinaire. Waits till they're 18-unless they're an alien.

The [[Goddamn Batman]]- A harder, meaner, drinkinger and Goddamner version of Batman from the 80's. A new issue of his book is put out once a year. He has stubble and likes to eat rats. Once killed by Deadpool (through subterfuge and with help from DiDio) but mysteriously ressurected off-panel. His day job is working at a day care center for the children of superpersons.

The Goddamn Wonder Woman— Hates all men. Or anybody who likes men. Except for when she randomly kisses Superman. At least she’s a woman Miller has written who’s not a whore though!

Barbara Gordon- Formerly Batgirl, currently Oracle. Although surly at times (particularly when dressed as a Dalek), she's Cass's surrogate sister. Believed to secretly worship the Old Ones. Currently dating Ted Kord, the dead Blue Beetle.

Gorilla Grodd— is not amused by hugs.

Henchie- Cass's Henchman. Mainly used in menial chores. Despite Ninja outfit, he's British. He accidentally went to Oz in a hot air balloon trip gone wrong, and now works as a talent agent for comic characters.

Henchman X- The evil version of Henchie

Jonah Hex- Western Bounty Hunter displaced from time by Cass.

Road Hogg- A pig/human type thing, this past character from Cass's series crashed at her place, only to start living with Supergirl after a backfired rape attempt.

Huntress- Bird of Prey and Cass's friend. They often drink Tea together and discuss current events.

Inertia- Bart Allen's nemesis and clone, and a member of Titans East. Has a slight crush on Cass but now dates Sungirl.

Iron Man- Drunken Womanizer and advocate for Superhero registration. Put Cass in charage of the Kansas Initiative.

Geoff Johns— Overworked DC writer. He’s sometimes portrayed as gleefully following Didio’s orders to sometimes sympathizing with the characters. Recently had his face ripped off by Kyle Rayner, though it is most likely not permanent.

Hal Jordan- The foremost Green Lantern, the Halmeister gets by on his rugged good looks and his 50's style charm. In reality, he's a racist Man-Whore who hasn't got with the times.

Bette Kane- Technically a former Batgirl (Although most won't admit it), Cass repeatedly exacts revenge on this poor doofus to make herself feel better. Apparently immortal.

The Kansas Initiative— Consists of Jay the Jayhawk, Willy the Wildcat, and WuShock, all inept mascots. One of the reserve members is Glinda the Good Witch.

Kid Crusader- Formerly Choirboy, member of Titans East. Fanatic religious nut. Has helped Cass on several occasions but mostly enjoys smiting Kid Devil.

Kid Devil- Member of the Teen Titans. One of few non-fanatical Catholics in comics. Unfortunately he only became religious after selling his soul to the devil. Still better off than Nightwing.

Knockout— Big breasted bisexual member of the Secret Six.

The resurrected corpse of Blue Beetle, Ted Kord- With Band-Aid on head. Currently dating Barbara Gordon.

Selina Kyle- The first Catwoman. Likes to sleep with her boyfriends' sons. Mad at Didio for giving her a baby without Bruce as its father. Hey, she should be happy! I mean, look how Damien turned out!

Lady Shiva- Cass's mum. Will beat up anybody who besmirches her daughter’s honor. And occasionally she’ll beat up her daughter too.

The League of Cass Villians- A group of mediocre villains that Cass faced: Rigor Mortis- A stiffened corpse, Miss Fire- A near sighted pyrokinetic, and Gelatin Man- The name pretty much describes him, but he's Scottish.

Stan Lee- Oddly enough, was bald in his first appearance, than had hair in subsequent appearances

Lobo- Fraggin' Bastitch who was Cass's rival for the Pope-hood. After a vicious Holy War they came to a truce.

Love Cass- A robotic nymphomaniac version of Cass in a bikini and an increased bustline. A world famous porn star and able to outsex every last Doombot.

The Mad Hatter— Loves hats. Sexually. Former member of the Secret Six.

Mary Marvel- Sweet, innocent, naive and doesn't know what a lesbian is. Of course that means in the DiDioverse she has to be corrupted and seduced.

Match- Bizarro clone of Superboy, member of Titans East. Has dated Duela Dent and Enigma.

Terry McGinnis— Batman Beyond. The object of Cass’s deepest, most passionate fantasies.

Midnighter and Apollo- Comics’ leading gay couple.

Misfit— Quirky teleporter and secretly Jimmy Olsen in drag.

Miss Martian- Horribly cute Teen Titan that every sexual deviant on the JLA wants a piece of. Cass taught them a lesson though. Will likely turn evil within the next decade. Has “Super Water Breath.”

Misty- Zatanna's goth apprentice and princess of the Sheeda. She sent Tim to the TG universe after he hit on the Goths.

Grant Morisson—Possibly overrated meta-textual comic book writer for DC.

'Mystery Villain'- Recurring evil force focused on destroying Cass. Turned out to be Access [see Access]

[[Nightwing]]- Former Robin. He is either a manic depressant or hopelessly emo. No one really bothered to do a proper diagnosis. No matter how bad you got things, you're still better off than Nightwing.

The Devil - AKA [[Jimmy Olsen]]- Hates Cass and all her daughters. Likes to dress in girls' clothing.

Alfred Pennyworth- Batman's Butler. So incredibly English. Only member of the Batfamily with a known age.

Power Girl— Her eyes are not on her chest.

The Punisher– Thinks he’s Captain America.

Harley Quinn— Villainess friend of Cass and abused girlfriend of The Joker. A few cards short of a deck. Member of the Secret Six.

Kyle Rayner- Green Lantern who keeps getting women stuck in his fridge. Currently evil. Tried to extract revenge upon Geoff Johns Cass-style but it was overkill.

Ragdoll— Member of the Secret Six. He’s got no man parts.

Raven- Has the misfortune of having Damien Scott as artist. Also has an ass so beautiful it can bend the minds of men to her very whim. This is also known as the “hypnoass”.

Risk- Had his arm torn off by Superboy Prime. The brunt of many one-armed jokes. Member of Titans East.

Jaime Reyes - The third Blue Beetle. Can usually be found having madcap and nonsensical adventures with Deadpool. Dreams of being a dentist.

Rorschach- Hrrrm.

Vic Sage- News anchor and Objectivist hero, the Question. Knows the truth about Aglets. Faked his own death and is alive and well hiding in Cass's apartment. Knows that A is always A.

Scandal— Person first, lesbian second. A member of the Secret Six and a part of DiDio's lesbian entourage.

The Scarlet Witch— Marvel’s #1 insane retconner. Had a one night stand with Superboy Prime that produced Witch Prime.

Secret- Former member of Young Justice. Could spontaneously combust at any moment.

The Secret Six- Consisting of Catman, Scandal, Deadshot, Ragdoll, Knockout, and Mad Hatter. Harley Quinn has since replaced Mad Hatter. Cass desperately wants to be a part of this team, but will never be allowed to be.

The Shade- Cool anti-hero and anti-rape advocate. Once tried to have Dankor burned as a witch.

Gail Simone- Is never seen, just her doorstep. One of the few non-villainified DC writers. In real life she’s a Casstoon fan.

Sin, AKA Cass Jr.- Adopted daughter of Black Canary, Cass gave Sin a miniature Batgirl cowl of her very own. Will most very likely be killed for dramatic shock effect.

Sinestro- Cass's teacher in EVIL! Currently trying to destroy the multiverse.

Skeets- Robotic sidekick and Pimp. Was briefly possessed by a giant killer butterfly.

Spider Jerusalem- Futuristic journalist also displaced from time by Cass.

Spider-Man- possibly brainwashed by Tony. Likes Jell-O. Married to a supermodel yet hates his life.

Starfire- Photosynthetic nymphomaniac samurai xenomorph. Has adventures in space with Animal Man and Adam Strange. Sex with her is the only thing in the world that can even temporarily cure Nightwing's depression.

Sungirl- Likes to burn stuff. Member of Titans East.

Superboy- Was kept alive as a preserved head by Tim, until revived by dark magic. He's now a head on a giant robotic body—which is fine by him because he can wear jeans again. Currently dating Stephanie Brown.

Superboy Prime- punch-happy lunatic from another universe. Often called upon in moments of dire need by Cass. Had a one night stand with the Scarlet Witch, producing an offspring whose powers were based entirely around retcons.

[[Supergirl]]- A horrid bitch. Supergirl has become a serial rapist, and often comes to blows with Cass over different subjects, such as how calling Supergirl a one-dimensional character is a compliment. She is trying to become a better person, but it usually depends on the writer and/or what drugs she's on.

Superman- A dick. During a psychotic rampage, Cass smacked him with a kryptonite hammer. Has no idea who Superboy is anymore.

Taskmaster— Memorized Cass’s combat moves and used them to terrorize Deadpool.

The TG-Verse- Many Transgendered version of aforementioned characters, such as Tina for Tim, Cassian for Cass, and Rico for Raven. Their Green Arrow and Green Lantern are a monogamous lesbian couple.

Thanos- Marvel's version of Darkseid (Or vice-versa, whichever came first). He also got his hand broken by Cass.

Leslie Thompkins- bitchy and insane murderer-by-proxy. Willing to perform Lobotomies.

Titans East- Cass's former super team that consists mostly of boneheads. Members include Slade Wilson (Deathstroke), Batgirl (Cass), Duela Dent, Enigma, Kid Crusader, Match, Inertia, Risk, and Sungirl.

Jason Todd- Former Robin, former corpse. Cass has twice one-punched him for trying to usurp the Batgirl role. Likes to dress up as random superheroes and play practical jokes on people with Duela Dent. Has a starring role in the current Countdown.

Donna Troy- Has no idea who she is or what the hell she's doing. Often holds a machine gun.

Rose Wilson- Cass's one-time rival and current Teen Titan. One of Tim's girls. Might just possibly take it in the eye socket. You know what “it” is…

Witch Prime— Love child of Superboy Prime and the Scarlet Witch. Has “Retcon Vision”. He now fixes wrong pages on Wikipedia.

Wolverine- Semi-omnipotent superhero with claws. Horribly, horribly, horribly short. A member of every Marvel superhero team ever.

[[Wonder Girl]]- Cassandra Sandsmark. Teen Titan and one of Tim's girls. Hopelessly emo, she's usually crying over her dead boyfriend Superboy, who has ironically been ressurected already. Cassie is oblivious to this fact.

Wonder Woman- Gets her lasso stolen regularly. Assaulted Frank Miller once. Was NOT the subject of a 48-page rape comic.

X-23- Definite Wolverine clone and possible Cass clone from Marvel. The two girls were amalgamated by Access.

Professor Charles Xavier- Bald telepath. Explained to Cass the intracite flip-flops of the Marvel Universe. Actively sabotages DC Sales.

Zatanna- Slept with Hal Jordan as part of a deal involving a mindwipe, after Hal saw Miss Martian turn into a naked Green Arrow. Now shagging Constantine.

'''Cameo or minor reoccuring characters'''

Al from Quantum Leap- Likes to leer at Cass's breasts. Sent her home after having his manhood threatened.

Iris Allen- Bart Allen's grandmother. FUN FACT: Uses the same model as Helena Sandsmark, with different colors.

Aquaman- Even lamer than Brokenman.

The Atom- One of the best minds in the DCU. Has been hiding with the Fraggles in Cass's apartment since Identity Crisis.

“The Batman” Joker- Killed by the real Joker. Yay!

Bat-Mite- Batman's #1 fan from the 5th dimension. Is smitten with Cass.

Black Adam- BLACK ADAM SMASH! Popular slash pairing with the Hulk.

Black Cat– Spider-Man’s Catwoman. Now with 80% more cleavage.

Carol Buckley- Bart Allen's childhood girlfriend Didio conveniently had forgotten. Appeared at Bart's funeral.

Cable- Liefeldian character and Deadpool's buddy. Is pissed off that Wade left their book and started living next to Cass.

Captain America- Supports Anti-drug groups, despite getting his very powers from drugs. He’s dead now, did’ja hear?

Captain Nazi— Hates freedom.

The Catholic Space-Marines- a trio of cardinals who were so disappointed by Cass' decisions as the pope that they tried to take rid of her while she was busy fighting Lobo. They failed. One was Irish (and possibly gay), the second was from the Miller-verse, and the last one was Nightcrawler, despite being called Roberto.

Jesse Chambers- Formerly Jesse Quick, currently Liberty Belle. Apparantly decided to get a codename that didn't reveal her civilian ID.

Cheshire— Insane assassin who likes to get pregnant. Mother of Roy Harper's daughter.

The Chief- Leader of the Doom Patrol and all-around asshole.

Grace Choi- Outsider and bi!slut. Likes to drink and curse. Not surprisingly, created by Judd Winick.

Cir-El- The Supergirl before Kara. Has a Teutonic accent because she always looks so butch and buff. Most people either don't know about her or have blocked her from their memories.

Cthulhu- Think of a tentacle-rape monster with the Power Cosmic. Cthulhu is a Great Old One who has risen unopposed and eaten some ate some Miskatonic University students.

Jesse Custer- Texan Preacher with the voice of God.

Cyborg- Half man, half machine. Used to fill panel space in Geoff John's "Teen Titans" run. Hasn't had a personality since the 80s.

Cyclops- Dick. Banged Emma Frost on his wife's grave.

Dr. Doom— Lusted for Evil Cass, before Love Cass wore him out. Oh, and evil dictator yadda yadda yadda.

Dream (Daniel)- Death's brother and Cass's English tutor.

Dust- Member of the New X-Men. Wears a form fitting burka.

The Earth- Almost committed suicide once it found out there were ''two'' Kara Zor-Els on Earth!

Egg Fu- GAY FOR EVERYONE!

Elektra– Is a ninja.

The Fraggles- Tiny singing Muppets. A colony lives in a hole in Cass's apartment.

Jay Garrick- Golden Age Flash. Has a kickass hat.

Guy Gardner- The best Green Lantern ever, behind G’nort.

The Goon- Dark Horse character. Just a thug, you mook.

Roy Harper— Red Arrow, formerly Arsenal. Former junkie and chronic changer of costumes. His daughter gets kidnapped a lot.

Connor Hawke— The second Green Arrow and bastard son of Ollie. In love with his father’s young ward.

The Halian Brotherhood- A group formed of various hypothetical sons of Hal Jordan, created only for the sole purpose of seducing and abusing the Cass daughters (see below). They all look almost identical because of the Halmeister's dominant genes, and are all Green Lanterns. Are either the sons of regular women, or of various super-heroines. Notable members are Halpha (son of Hal and of the TG Hal from the Jeph Loeb zone), Dark Haired Hal (much smarter than his half-brothers), He-Halk (son of Hal and She-Hulk), Khal Jordan-El (son of Hal and Kara Zor-El), Green Wizard (son of Hal and Scarlet Witch), Dr Lantern (son of Hal and of Dr Light... The japanese one, not the crazy rapist), Hal Duck (yes, Hal has all the perversions you can imagine) and Halina (see the Legion of Future Cass Daughters). Are currently banished in the Shadow Realm.

Hellboy– Sounds like Slade.

Henchia- A female Henchie. Very little is known about her besides the fact that she's a little too helpful.

Heroes for Hire- Mistaken by Cass for an S&M club.

Hulk- Hulk invade Earth. Hulk smash puny Rubber Man, Tin Man and Bald Man. Why they send Hulk away? Why they kill Hulk's wife? Grrr. Hulk make them pay.

J. Jonah Jameson- Hot headed editor. Hated by Spider Jerusalem.

Jade- The golden age Green Lantern's daughter. Currently dead and in Kyle Rayner's fridge. Was the Wicked Witch of the West in Cass's trip to Oz.

The Joker- Psychotic clown. Killed the lame Joker from 'The Batman'. Tries to shoot Cass every day, like clockwork.

J'onn J'onzz- Manhunter from Mars obsessed with Oreo ripoff cookies Chocos. Winick wants to turn him gay.

The Goddamn Hal Jordan— Horribly whipped and mild-mannered Green Lantern. A shame to all other alternate Halmeisters.

Katana- Outsider and samurai. Winick made her a drunk.

Silver Age Lois Lane— Actually did some reporting when she wasn’t attempting to reveal Superman’s secret identity or marry him.

Leslie, the Cablinasian Hermaphrodite— A multicultural replacement character. Briefly was Booster Gold and Supernova.

The Living Tribunal- Resided over the Multi-phasic Court. Once served time in the British Parliament.

Maxwell Lord- randomly turned evil then killed. Still better off than Nightwing.

Matrix- Gloop of shape shifting protoplasmic goo from a pocket dimension with a good Lex Luthor before coming to DC's dimension and starting over. *gasp, gasp, wheeze* Oh! And may or may not exist anymore.

Metamorpho- Elemental man. If Winick had his way he wouldn't be able to quit J'onn J'onzz.

Miho- Cass's Ninja contemporary from Sin City and current champion of intercompany tournament (Only because Cass didn't compete though).

Mirage- Member of the Minor Titans Union. Once raped Nightwing... yeah yeah, join the club.

Mogo- Sentient Green Lantern planet. Once persuaded the Earth not to commit suicide.

Monarch- Reused character name from Countdown that's supposed to be mysterious but just ended up plain boring.

Renee Montoya- Lesbian cop and the new Question. Yes, you heard me right...

Mr. Terrific- One of the best scientific minds in the DCU. Discovered DiDio's diversity vision.

Murmer— Psychotic serial killer and Flash rogue with a stitched mouth. The singer—and sadly, most talented member—in Tim’s band.

Obsidian- Alan Scott's son. He's one of a few gay male DC characters. Occasionally insane.

Aunt May Parker— Unintentionally poisons her nephew’s friends on a semi-regular basis.

Valerie Perez- Took Bart Allen's virginity. Appeared at his funeral.

Pied Piper- Former Flash rogue and another of the few gay males in the DCU. Likes to play the flute *snicker*

Power Boy- Only male hero ever with a boob hole. Was a psycho stalker and it got him assaulted by the Supergirls.

Red Star- Russian Titan and member of the Minor Titans Union.

Holly Robinson- Lesbian and one of the current Catwomen.

Robotman- Member of the Doom Patrol and John Byrne hater.

Rose Tyler- Dr. Who's sidekick.

Maggie Sawyer- Another Lesbian cop.

Helena Sandsmark- Wonder Girl mother. Ignored for more Conner wangst. FUN FACT: Uses the same model as Iris Allen, though with different colors.

The Scarecrow- Fear-based Batman villain. Fittingly played the "Scarecrow" in the Casstoons "Wizard of Oz" parody.

The Scooby Doo Gang— Cass spent the missing year with them.

Alan Scott- Original Green Lantern. Cass once smacked him with a tree branch.

She-Hulk- She's a strong, independent woman, damnit. She doesn't need to be in a relationship to give her life meaning. So what if she has lots of one-night stands and quick, physical relationships. It's just a sign of her independence and equality of gender. Right??? She happens to be a lawyer.

Skeletor and Evil Warriors- Tri-Klops, Mer-Man, et. Al. Cass once was sold to their world. They’re all incompetent.

Stargirl- Still in the JSA.

Steel- One of the best scientific minds in the DCU. Discovered Didio's Diversity Vision.

Silver Age Supergirl- Put the modern Supergirl on trial for the right to exist. Lost because of editorial mandate. This arc was later paralleled in the actual comics. The outcome was the same.

Surge- Member of the New X-Men.

Tempest- He was Aqualad, dammit! A founding Titan yet still considered unimportant.

The cast of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles— Enlisted Cass to their cause briefly.

Terra II- Killed by Black Adam, and still complains post-mortum. How did she survive? Well, nobody knows how she was even created, so we'll plead the fifth.

Meloni Thawne- Bart Allen's mother, appeared at his funeral. Bart obviously got his hair from her side of the family.

Thunder- Outsider and Grace Choi's girlfriend. Has no personality other than being gay and having daddy issues, which is to say, she has more personality than Batwoman.

V- He remembers, remembers, the fifth of November. He sees no reason the Gunpowder Treason should ever be forgot.

Various versions of Cass (Such as a Liefeldian Cass)

Wally West- Was the Flash. Replaced by Bart Allen. Then replaced Bart Allen. Yeahbuhwhat?

Judd Winick- Former Real Worldler and DC writer who likes to turn his characters gay and/or give them AIDS. Referenced quite often- only appeared once, and off panel at that.

XS- Legionairre Cousin of Bart Allen, appeared at his funeral. Possibly erased from history.

Zapp Rowsdower- Canadian actor from the "smash hit" action thriller "Final Sacrifice", lampooned on MST3K. Filled the position of the "Tin Man" in the Wizard of Oz Parody because he had beer.

'''The Society of Future Cass Daughters'''

Batgirl Beyond- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Terry McGinnis. Just a wee bit ditsy.

Cade Wilson- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Deathstrike. Evil and raided the Legion's file room for mysterious reasons.

Cassa Fett- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Boba Fett. Member of the Meter Maid Guild. Tends to get eaten by Sarlaccs a lot. Failed to get into the Legion of Cass Daughters.

Cassbo— The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Lobo. An archbishop at the First Celestial Refried Triple-Fish God Church and Truck Stop.

Goldie- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Booster Gold. Will do anything for a promotion deal. Founding member of the Legion of Cass Daughters.

Halina Jordan— The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Hal Jordan. Every bit the sexual deviant of her father, though a brilliant super hero and an entrepreneur.

Irina Schwab, CPA- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Ambush Bug. Works for the IRS. Words can not describe how boring she is. Not depressed like Nightwing, but dreadfully, dreadfully dull.

Josie Hex— The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Jonah Hex. Can spit with perfect aim.

Lil' Cassie Wilson- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Deadpool. Leads the League of Cass Daughters.

Nina the Kryptonian Ninja- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Superboy. For some reason, she speaks Japanese as a primary language. Founding member of the Legion of Cass-Daughters.

Obscurity- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and The Shade. Her real name is Cassiopea Swift-Cain. Well-educated, mysterious, martial artist, and mistress of darkness. Has once sent the entire Halian Brotherhood in the Shadow Realm.

Query- Hypothetical daughter of Cass and The Question. Likes to look at people’s underwear.

Skats- Supposedly Skeets's daughter and Goldie's sidekick. Can also be used as a phone.

Spider-Girl— May Parker, the possible daughter of Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson. Claimed to be a daughter of Cass to make entry to the Society but failed.

Tonya— Hypothetical daughter of Tony Stark—the Iron Man—and Cass. An alcoholic at the age of six!

Vickie von Doom- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Dr. Doom. Received her doctorate at the Yellow Claw's Manicurist Academy

There is also a standard character model that Espanolbot uses frequently when a minor character (Such as a doctor or a shopkeep, for instance) is needed, rather than drawing a new one each time.

[[Category:Superdickery Related]]
[[Category:Comics Related]]

Casstoons

Pivitor — Thu, 05 Jul 2007 20:54:26 GMT

Pivitor: /* Characters and People that have appeared in the Casstoons */

'''Casstoons''' is the name of a stripcomic, drawn by [[EspanolBot]], and written by [[Drink]], although other writers (such as [[Ing]] or [[Justin Carr]]) have contributed to it. It describes the diverse misadventures of Cassandra Cain, the third [[Batgirl]], and Tim Drake, the third [[Robin]], the vast majority of those dealing with the recent editorial decision of DC to make Cass evil.

In a moment of rage following the release of Robin #150, where that storyline began, Drink and Espanolbot, notorious members of the [[Cass Cult]], made a small strip where Cass rips Didio's face off. If you ask almost anyone, he deserved it.

After this first try, the two members continued to make strips about that editorial decision, always giving Cassandra Cain the major role. Soon, the strips diverged to include other DC characters (and more recently Marvel and Vertigo ones) and to concentrate on other storylines, not necessarily linked to Cass and Tim. The two characters, however, always appear in the strips.

Most characters in the Casstoons are either parodies or caricatures of their comic versions. For example, [[Hal Jordan]] is extremely offensive towards women and minorities, and Iron Man is portrayed with a Martini in hand, a jab at his past as an alchoholic. Cass herself has committed ann increasingly horrific series of murders in her desperation to become 'good' again.

The Casstoons have also produced a daughter comic of sorts featuring Booster Gold in addition to Cass, produced entirely by [[HotAndCold]], who usually uses the comic to express her rage at the handling of Booster in 52.

Casstoons became the most important attraction of the Cass Cain appreciation thread in a matter of weeks. It has also been successfully presented to the official DC message boards and other noteable forums.

==Characters and People that have appeared in the Casstoons==

'''Main Characters'''

Cassandra Cain- The most recent Batgirl. Was turned evil after OYL with no logic involved, and in a fit of rage ripped off DC Editor Dan Didio's face. Thus began Cass's adventures in Casstoons, as she desperately tries to become good again, find steady work, or just survive sharing an apartment with Tim Drake. She is one of the few who can see the absurdity around her and is often the voice of reason. She is also the Pope of the Catholic Church and the Boxing Champion of the World.

[[Tim Drake]]- The current Robin, and a womanizing dick. Despite his less than pleasant personality he is still usually seen associating with Cass, and she even let him move in her apartment after Damien took over Wayne Manor. He is currently dating Cassie Sandsmark, Rose Wilson, and Mia Dearden (Despite her HIV), often all at once. He hates country music.

Stephanie Brown- Cass's best friend and former costumed hero the Spoiler. Was killed senselessly in the War Games crossover, but Cass made a pseudo-alive scarecrow replica of Stephanie, inspired by 52. She was revived briefly when Tim dabbled in dark magic, then permanently by Death itself. She now lives with Cass and Tim and shares their adventures. She's dating the revived Superboy and works as a secret agent.

'''Reoccuring Characters'''

(In alphabetical order by last name...or code name. You should find who you're looking for under one or the other...)

Access- The guardian over the doorway to DC and Marvel. Access had a vendetta against Cass due to her liberal passage through the universes. Once successfully masqueraded as Evil Cass, which only worked due to Tim’s stupidity.

Adam Strange- Travels space with Animal Man and Starfire. Blind and surly. No longer blind, but still surly.

Animal Man— “Cosmically aware” family man. Stays safe because he knows where his writer lives—and isn’t afraid to do a little mafia-style negotiating.

Arrowette- Sole Young Justice surviving member and possible bastard child of Green Arrow. She’s probably better off that way.

[[Batman]]- Ultimate Superhero. Has Bat-Female-Sidekick-Forgetting and Baby-Kidnapping powers.

Batwoman- She's a lesbian, in case you didn't hear. In fact, it's almost all she ever says. Kinda like a Pokemon.

Beast Boy- Former Teen Titans who hangs out with the main characters. Cass often injures him in one way or another. Slade did Terra in his bed. Drummer of Tim’s band, as an Octopus.

Adam Beechen- The writer who did the story in which Cass went evil. For his own safety, he is rarely shown in the same panel as Cass. He's a rabid Tim Drake fanboy and in all his stories Tim wins by miraculous duex ex machina--even if Tim was not a main character.

Black Canary- Bird of Prey and Cass's friend. Bastardized by Winick back into a damsel in distress.

Brain and Monsiour Mallah- A living brain in a jar and a talking, super-intelligent French gorilla. OTP.

Booster Gold— Money loving superhero from the future. All the ladies think he has a glorious ass. He was briefly replaced by a Cablinasian hermaphrodite and forced to wear a barrel.

David Cain- Cass's dad. Obsessed with breeding his daughter with eligible bachelors.

Captain Marvel- His "Wisdom of Solomon" has been on the fritz lately.

Captain Marvel Jr.— Bassist of Tim’s band eternally stuck in the fifties. Now undergoing magical trials that make him forget everybody he cares about.

Catman— a little too friendly with Deadshot, if you know what I mean. Member of the Secret Six.

John Constantine- Chainsmoking english magician. Appears occasionally in casstoons that involve the occult in some fashion. Currently shagging Zatanna.

Damian/Ibn Al Xu'ffacsh- The bastard son of Batman. Possibly the Anti-Christ.

Dan DiDio- Whose face was bandaged after an angry Cass assaulted him, tearing off the skin from his skull. After some post-reconstructive surgery, he has been reborn as Dankor, based on the villian from Prince of Space. He loves Lesbians and hates the nineties and fun. He also has Diversity Vision.

Linda Danvers— The “Good” Supergirl.

Darkseid- New God. Got his hand broke during Handshake with Cass (Much to her own disbelief).

[[Deadpool]]- Merc with the Mouth and Cass's neighbour at her apartment complex. The two have become friends and often go on adventures together, whether to another dimension or just down to the Pizza Joint on the corner. Often has madcap and nonsensical adventures with the new Blue Beetle, Jaime Reyes.

Deadshot— A little too friendly with Catman, if you know what I mean. Member of the Secret Six.

Mia Dearden— the current Speedy. She has HIV, though it doesn’t seem to affect her or anybody she sleeps with at all. One of Tim’s girlfriends and a former Titan.

Death- Goth and guide to recently deceased souls. Has given Hal and Ollie a free ticket to come back to life after they groped her. Also revived Steph.

Deathstroke- Pedophile and leader of the Titans East. He is older than dust.

Ralph Dibny & Dr. Fate helmet- Stretchy hero who's out of his goddamn mind and helmet of a dead hero who he talks to. Turns out he was never insane and now he’s dead and we all feel bad.

Dr. Light- Rapist who was banished to the Shadow realm by the Shade, then raped by Supergirl. He then turned himself in after the ironic rape.

Duela Dent- Lunatic that's possibly the daughter of a supervillain, and member of Titans East. Was killed off after Titans East but somehow survived and attended her own funeral. Likes to pull practical jokes with Jason Todd.

Enigma- The Riddlers Daughter. Nobody knows anything about her. Or cares really. Member of Titans East.

Evil Cass- The version of Cass that appeared in Robin. Is either wearing a "Lil' Shiva" outfit or a Batgirl cowl with a monocle and glowing red eyes. While evil, she isn't particularly bright, despite her wordiness. Quite possibly a schizophrenic fractured personality of Cass.

Boba Fett- Bounty Hunter and acquaintance of Cass

The Flash- Was Bart Allen, formerly Impulse, who was ludicrously emo. He died, and was replaced by the guy he replaced, Wally West. yeah, it makes no sense to me either.

Forerunner- Intergalactic Mary-Sue from Countdown.

Green Arrow- Man-Whore and Commie Pinko extrordinaire. Waits till they're 18-unless they're an alien.

The [[Goddamn Batman]]- A harder, meaner, drinkinger and Goddamner version of Batman from the 80's. A new issue of his book is put out once a year. He has stubble and likes to eat rats.

The Goddamn Wonder Woman— Hates all men. Or anybody who likes men. Except for when she randomly kisses Superman. At least she’s a woman Miller has written who’s not a whore though!

Barbara Gordon- Formerly Batgirl, currently Oracle. Although surly at times (particularly when dressed as a Dalek), she's Cass's surrogate sister. Believed to secretly worship the Old Ones. Currently dating Ted Kord, the dead Blue Beetle.

Gorilla Grodd— is not amused by hugs.

Henchie- Cass's Henchman. Mainly used in menial chores. Despite Ninja outfit, he's British. He accidentally went to Oz in a hot air balloon trip gone wrong, and now works as a talent agent for comic characters.

Henchman X- The evil version of Henchie

Jonah Hex- Western Bounty Hunter displaced from time by Cass.

Road Hogg- A pig/human type thing, this past character from Cass's series crashed at her place, only to start living with Supergirl after a backfired rape attempt.

Huntress- Bird of Prey and Cass's friend. They often drink Tea together and discuss current events.

Inertia- Bart Allen's nemesis and clone, and a member of Titans East. Has a slight crush on Cass but now dates Sungirl.

Iron Man- Drunken Womanizer and advocate for Superhero registration. Put Cass in charage of the Kansas Initiative.

Geoff Johns— Overworked DC writer. He’s sometimes portrayed as gleefully following Didio’s orders to sometimes sympathizing with the characters. Recently had his face ripped off by Kyle Rayner, though it is most likely not permanent.

Hal Jordan- The foremost Green Lantern, the Halmeister gets by on his rugged good looks and his 50's style charm. In reality, he's a racist Man-Whore who hasn't got with the times.

Bette Kane- Technically a former Batgirl (Although most won't admit it), Cass repeatedly exacts revenge on this poor doofus to make herself feel better. Apparently immortal.

The Kansas Initiative— Consists of Jay the Jayhawk, Willy the Wildcat, and WuShock, all inept mascots. One of the reserve members is Glinda the Good Witch.

Kid Crusader- Formerly Choirboy, member of Titans East. Fanatic religious nut. Has helped Cass on several occasions but mostly enjoys smiting Kid Devil.

Kid Devil- Member of the Teen Titans. One of few non-fanatical Catholics in comics. Unfortunately he only became religious after selling his soul to the devil. Still better off than Nightwing.

Knockout— Big breasted bisexual member of the Secret Six.

The resurrected corpse of Blue Beetle, Ted Kord- With Band-Aid on head. Currently dating Barbara Gordon.

Selina Kyle- The first Catwoman. Likes to sleep with her boyfriends' sons. Mad at Didio for giving her a baby without Bruce as its father. Hey, she should be happy! I mean, look how Damien turned out!

Lady Shiva- Cass's mum. Will beat up anybody who besmirches her daughter’s honor. And occasionally she’ll beat up her daughter too.

The League of Cass Villians- A group of mediocre villains that Cass faced: Rigor Mortis- A stiffened corpse, Miss Fire- A near sighted pyrokinetic, and Gelatin Man- The name pretty much describes him, but he's Scottish.

Stan Lee- Oddly enough, was bald in his first appearance, than had hair in subsequent appearances

Lobo- Fraggin' Bastitch who was Cass's rival for the Pope-hood. After a vicious Holy War they came to a truce.

Love Cass- A robotic nymphomaniac version of Cass in a bikini and an increased bustline. A world famous porn star and able to outsex every last Doombot.

The Mad Hatter— Loves hats. Sexually. Former member of the Secret Six.

Mary Marvel- Sweet, innocent, naive and doesn't know what a lesbian is. Of course that means in the DiDioverse she has to be corrupted and seduced.

Match- Bizarro clone of Superboy, member of Titans East. Has dated Duela Dent and Enigma.

Terry McGuinness— Batman Beyond. The object of Cass’s deepest, most passionate fantasies.

Midnighter and Apollo- Comics’ leading gay couple.

Misfit— Quirky teleporter and secretly Jimmy Olsen in drag.

Miss Martian- Horribly cute Teen Titan that every pedo wants a piece of. Cass taught them a lesson though. Will likely turn evil within the next decade. Has “Super Water Breath.”

Misty- Goth and Zatanna's apprentice. She sent Tim to the TG universe after he hit on the Goths.

Grant Morisson—Possibly overrated meta-textual comic book writer for DC.

'Mystery Villain'- Recurring evil force focused on destroying Cass. Turned out to be Access [see Access]

[[Nightwing]]- Former Robin. He is either a manic depressant or hopelessly emo. No one really bothered to do a proper diagnosis. No matter how bad you got things, chances are you're still better off than Nightwing.

The Devil - AKA [[Jimmy Olsen]]- Hates Cass and all her daughters.

Alfred Pennyworth- Batman's Butler. So incredibly English. Only member of the Batfamily with a known age.

Power Girl— Her eyes are above her chest.

The Punisher– Thinks he’s Captain America.

Harley Quinn— Villainess friend of Cass and abused girlfriend of The Joker. A few cards short of a deck. Member of the Secret Six.

Kyle Rayner- Green Lantern who keeps getting women stuck in his fridge. Currently evil. Tried to extract revenge upon Geoff Johns Cass-style but it was overkill.

Ragdoll— Member of the Secret Six. He’s got no man parts.

Raven- Has the misfortune of having Damien Scott as artist. Also has an ass so beautiful it can bend the mens’ wills to her very whim. This is also known as the “hypnoass”.

Risk- Had his arm torn off by Superboy Prime. The brunt of many one-armed jokes. Member of Titans East

Jaime Reyes, the third Blue Beetle— Can usually be found having madcap and nonsensical adventures with Deadpool. Dreams of being a dentist.

Rorschach- Hrrrm.

Vic Sage- News anchor and Objectivist hero, the Question. Knows the truth about Aglets. Faked his own death and is alive and well hiding in Cass's apartment. Knows that A is always A.

Scandal— Person first, lesbian second. A member of the Secret Six.

The Scarlet Witch— Marvel’s #1 insane retconner. Had a one night stand with Superboy Prime that produced Witch Prime.

Secret- Former member of Young Justice. Could spontaneously combust at any moment.

The Secret Six- Consisting of Catman, Scandal, Deadshot, Ragdoll, Knockout, and Mad Hatter. Harley Quinn has since replaced Mad Hatter. Cass desperately wants to be a part of this team, but will never be allowed to be.

The Shade- Cool anti-hero and anti-rape advocate. Once tried to have Dankor burned as a witch.

Gail Simone- Is never seen, just her doorstep. One of the few non-villainified DC writers. In real life she’s a Casstoon fan.

Sin, AKA Cass Jr.- Adopted daughter of Black Canary, Cass gave Sin a miniature Batgirl cowl of her very own. Will most very likely be killed for dramatic shock effect.

Sinestro- Cass's teacher in EVIL! Currently trying to destroy the multiverse.

Skeets- Robotic sidekick and Pimp. Was briefly possessed by a giant killer butterfly.

Spider Jerusalem- Futuristic journalist also displaced from time by Cass.

Spider-Man- possibly brainwashed by Tony. Likes Jell-O. Married to a supermodel yet hates his life.

Starfire- Photosynthetic nymphomaniac samurai xenomorph. Has adventures in space with Animal man and Adam Strange. Sex with her is the only thing in the world that can even temporarily cure Nightwing's depression.

Sungirl- Likes to burn stuff. Member of Titans East.

Superboy- Was kept alive as a preserved head by Tim, until revived by dark magic. He's now a head on a giant robotic body—which is fine by him because he can wear jeans again. Currently dating Stephanie Brown.

Superboy Prime- punch-happy lunatic from another universe. Often called upon in moments of dire need by Cass. Had a one night stand with the Scarlet Witch, producing an offspring whose powers were based entirely around retcons.

[[Supergirl]]- A Horrid bitch, Supergirl has become a serial rapist, and often comes to blows with Cass over different subjects. Namely, how calling Supergirl a one-dimensional character is a compliment. She is trying to become a better person, but it usually depends on the writer and/or what drugs she's on.

Superman- A dick. During a psychotic rampage, Cass smacked him with a kryptonite hammer. Has no idea who Superboy is anymore.

Taskmaster— Memorized Cass’s combat moves and used them to terrorize Deadpool.

The TG-Verse- Many Transgendered version of aforementioned characters, such as Tina for Tim, Cassian for Cass, and Rico for Raven. Their Green Arrow and Green Lantern are a monogamous lesbian couple.

Thanos- Marvel's version of Darkseid (Or vice-versa, whichever came first). He also got his hand broken by Cass.

Leslie Thompkins- bitchy and insane murderer-by-proxy. Willing to perform Lobotomies.

Titans East- Cass's former super team that consists mostly of boneheads. Members include Slade Wilson (Deathstroke), Batgirl (Cass), Duela Dent, Enigma, Kid Crusader, Match, Inertia, Risk, and Sungirl.

Jason Todd- Former Robin, former corpse. Cass has twice one-punched him for trying to usurp the Batgirl role. Likes to dress up as random superheroes and play practical jokes on people with Duela Dent. Has a starring role in the current Countdown.

Donna Troy- Has no idea who she is or what the hell she's doing. Often holds a machine gun.

Rose Wilson- Cass's one-time rival and current Teen Titan. One of Tim's girls. Might just possibly take it in the eye socket. You know what “it” is…

Witch Prime— Love child of Superboy Prime and the Scarlet Witch. Has “Retcon Vision”. He now fixes wrong pages on Wikipedia.

Wolverine- Semi-omnipotent superhero with claws. Horribly, horribly, horribly short.

[[Wonder Girl]]- Cassandra Sandsmark. Teen Titan and one of Tim's girls. Hopelessly emo, she's usually crying over her dead boyfriend Superboy, who has ironically been ressurected already. Cassie is oblivious to this fact.

Wonder Woman- Gets her lasso stolen regularly. Assaulted Frank Miller once. Was NOT the subject of a 48-page rape comic.

X-23- Definite Wolverine clone and possible Cass clone from Marvel. The two girls were amalgamated by Access.

Professor Charles Xavier- Bald telepath. Explained to Cass the intracite flip-flops of the Marvel Universe. Actively sabotages DC Sales.

Zatanna- Slept with Hal Jordan as part of a deal involving a mindwipe, after Hal saw Miss Martian turn into a naked Green Arrow. Now shagging Constantine.

'''Cameo or minor reoccuring characters'''

Al from Quantum Leap- Likes to leer at Cass's breasts. Sent her home after having his manhood threatened.

Iris Allen- Bart Allen's grandmother. FUN FACT: Uses the same model as Helena Sandsmark, with different colors.

Aquaman- Even lamer than Brokenman.

The Atom- One of the best minds in the DCU. Microscopic "blink and you'll miss it!" cameo.

“The Batman” Joker- Killed by the real Joker. Yay!

Bat-Mite- Batman's #1 fan from the 5th dimension. Is smitten with Cass.

Black Adam- BLACK ADAM SMASH! Popular slash pairing with the Hulk.

Black Cat– Spider-Man’s Catwoman. Now with 80% more cleavage.

Carol Buckley- Bart Allen's childhood girlfriend Didio conveniently had forgotten. Appeared at Bart's funeral.

Cable- Liefeldian character and Deadpool's buddy. Is pissed off that Wade left their book and started living next to Cass.

Captain America- Supports Anti-drug groups, despite getting his very powers from drugs. He’s dead now, did’ja hear?

Captain Nazi— Hates freedom.

Jesse Chambers- Formerly Jesse Quick, currently Liberty Belle. Decided to get a codename that didn't reveal her civilian ID in the process.

Cheshire— Insane assassin who likes to get pregnant.

The Chief- Leader of the Doom Patrol and all-around asshole.

Grace Choi- Outsider and bi!slut. Likes to drink and curse. Not surprisingly, created by Judd Winick.

Cir-El- The Supergirl before Kara. Has a Teutonic accent because she always looks so butch and buff. Most people either don't know about her or have blocked her from their memories.

Cthulhu- Think of a tentacle-rape monster with the Power Cosmic. Cthulhu is a Great Old One who has risen unopposed and eaten some ate some Miskatonic University students.

Jesse Custer- Texan Preacher with the voice of God.

Cyborg- Half man, half machine. Used to fill panel space in Geoff John's "Teen Titans" run.

Cyclops- Dick. Banged Emma Frost on his wife's grave.

Dr. Doom— Lusted for Evil Cass, before Love Cass wore him out. Oh, and evil dictator yadda yadda yadda.

Dream (Daniel)- Death's brother and Cass's English tutor.

Dust- Member of the New X-Men. Wears a form fitting burka.

Egg Fu- GAY FOR EVERYBODY!

Elektra– Is a ninja.

Jay Garrick- Golden Age Flash. Has a kickass hat.

Guy Gardner- The best Green Lantern ever, behind G’nort.

The Goon- Dark Horse character. Just a thug, you mook.

Roy Harper— Red Arrow, formerly Arsenal. Former junkie and chronic changer of costumes. His daughter gets kidnapped a lot.

Connor Hawke— The second Green Arrow and bastard son of Ollie. In love with his father’s young ward.

Hellboy– Sounds like Slade.

Henchia- A female Henchie. Very little is known about her besides the fact taht she's a little too helpful.

Heroes for Hire- Mistaken by Cass for an S&M club.

Hulk- Hulk invade Earth. Hulk smash puny Rubber Man, Tin Man and Bald Man. Why they send Hulk away? Why they kill Hulk's wife? Grrr. Hulk make them pay.

J. Jonah Jameson- Hot headed editor. Hated by Spider Jerusalem.

The Joker- Psychotic clown. Killed the lame Joker from 'The Batman'. Tries to shoot Cass every day, like clockwork.

J'onn J'onzz- Manhunter from Mars obsessed with Oreo ripoff cookies Chocos. Winick wants to turn him gay.

The Goddamn Hal Jordan— Horribly whipped and mild-mannered Green Lantern. A shame to all other alternate Halmeisters.

Katana- Outsider and samurai. Winick made her a drunk.

Silver Age Lois Lane— Actually did some reporting when she wasn’t attempting to reveal Superman’s secret identity or marry him.

Leslie, the Cablinasian Hermaphrodite— A multicultural replacement character. Briefly was Booster Gold and Supernova.

The Living Tribunal- Resided over the Multi-phasic Court. Once served time in the British Parliament.

Maxwell Lord- randomly turned evil then killed. Still better off than Nightwing.

Matrix- Gloop of shape shifting protoplasmic goo from a pocket dimension with a good Lex Luthor before coming to DC's dimension and starting over. *gasp, gasp, wheeze* Oh! And may or may not exist anymore.

Metamorpho- Elemental man. If Winick had his way he wouldn't be able to quit J'onn J'onzz.

Miho- Cass's Ninja contemporary from Sin City and current champion of intercompany tournament (Only because Cass didn't compete though).

Mirage- Member of the Minor Titans Union. Once raped Nightwing... yeah yeah, join the club.

Monarch- Reused character name from Countdown that's supposed to be mysterious but just ended up plain boring.

Renee Montoya- Lesbian cop and the new Question. Yes, you heard me right...

Mr. Terrific- One of the best scientific minds in the DCU. Discovered Didio's diversity vision.

Murmer— Psychotic serial killer and Flash rogue with a stitched mouth. The singer—and sadly, most talented member—in Tim’s band.

Obsidian- Alan Scott's son. He's one of a few gay male DC characters. Occasionally insane.

Aunt May Parker— Unintentionally poisons her nephew’s friends on a semi-regular basis.

Valerie Perez- Took Bart Allen's virginity. Appeared at his funeral.

Pied Piper- Former Flash rogue and another of the few gay males in the DCU. Likes to play the flute *snicker*

Power Boy- Only male hero ever with a boob hole. Was a psycho stalker and it got him assaulted by the Supergirls.

Red Star- Russian Titan and member of the Minor Titans Union.

Holly Robinson- Lesbian and one of the current Catwomen.

Robotman- Member of the Doom Patrol and John Byrne hater.

Rose- As in Dr. Who's sidekick

Maggie Sawyer- Another Lesbian cop.

Helena Sandsmark- Wonder Girl mother. Ignored for more Conner wangst. FUN FACT: Uses the same model as Iris Allen, though with different colors.

The Scooby Doo Gang— Cass spent the missing year with them.

Alan Scott- Original Green Lantern. Cass once smacked him with a tree branch.

She-Hulk- She's a strong, independent woman, damnit. She doesn't need to be in a relationship to give her life meaning. So what if she has lots of one-night stands and quick, physical relationships. It's just a sign of her independence and equality of gender. Right???

Skeletor and Evil Warriors- Tri-Klops, Mer-Man, et. Al. Cass once was sold to their world. They’re all incompetent.

Stargirl- Still in the JSA.

Steel- One of the best scientific minds in the DCU. Discovered Didio's Diversity Vision.

Silver Age Supergirl- Put the modern Supergirl on trial for the right to exist. Lost because of editorial mandate.

Surge- Member of the New X-Men.

Tempest- He was Aqualad, dammit! A founding Titan yet still considered unimportant.

The cast of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles— Enlisted Cass to their cause briefly.

Terra II- Killed by Black Adam, and still complains post-mortum. How did she survive? Well, nobody knows how she was even created, so we'll plead the fifth.

Meloni Thawne- Bart Allen's mother, appeared at his funeral. Bart obviously got his hair from her side of the family.

Thunder- Outsider and Grace Choi's girlfriend. Has no personality other than being gay and having daddy issues, which is to say, she has more personality than Batwoman.

Wally West- Was the Flash. Replaced by Bart Allen. Replaced Bart Allen. Yeahbuhwhat?

Judd Winick- Former Real Worldler and DC writer who likes to turn his characters gay and/or give them AIDS. Referenced quite often- only appeared once, and off panel at that.

XS- Legionairre Cousin of Bart Allen, appeared at his funeral. Possibly erased from history.

V- He remembers, remembers, the fifth of November. He sees no reason the Gunpowder Treason should ever be forgot.

Various versions of Cass (Such as a Liefeldian Cass)

'''The Society of Future Cass Daughters'''

Batgirl Beyond- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Terry McGuinness. Just a wee bit ditsy.

Cade Wilson- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Deathstrike. Evil and raided the Legion's file room for mysterious reasons.

Cassa Fett- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Boba Fett. Member of the Meter Maid Guild. Tends to get eaten by Sarlaccs a lot. Failed to get into the Legion of Cass Daughters.

Cassbo— The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Lobo. An archbishop at the First Celestial Refried Triple-Fish God Church and Truck Stop.

Goldie- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Booster Gold. Will do anything for a promotion deal. Founding member of the Legion of Cass Daughters.

Halina Jordan— The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Hal Jordan. Every bit the sexual deviant of her father, though a brilliant super hero and an entrepreneur.

Irina Schwab, CPA- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Ambush Bug. Works for the IRS. Words can not describe how boring she is. Not depressed like Nightwing, but dreadfully, dreadfully dull.

Josie Hex— The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Jonah Hex. Can spit with perfect aim.

Lil' Cassie Wilson- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Deadpool. Leads the League of Cass Daughters.

Nina the Kryptonian Ninja- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Superboy. For some reason, she speaks Japanese as a primary language. Founding member of the Legion of Cass-Daughters.

Query- Hypothetical daughter of Cass and The Question. Likes to look at people’s underwear.

Skats- Supposedly Skeets's daughter and Goldie's sidekick. Can also be used as a phone.

Spider-Girl— May Parker, the possible daughter of Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson. Claimed to be a daughter of Cass to make entry to the Society but failed.

Tonya— Hypothetical daughter of Tony Stark—the Iron Man—and Cass. An alcoholic at the age of six!

Vickie von Doom- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Dr. Doom. Received her doctorate at the Yellow Claw's Manicurist Academy

There is also a standard character model that Espanolbot uses frequently when a minor character (Such as a doctor or a shopkeep, for instance) is needed, rather than drawing a new one each time.

[[Category:Superdickery Related]]
[[Category:Comics Related]]

Casstoons

Pivitor — Thu, 05 Jul 2007 18:51:26 GMT

Pivitor: /* Characters and People that have appeared in the Casstoons */

'''Casstoons''' is the name of a stripcomic, drawn by [[EspanolBot]], and written by [[Drink]], although other writers (such as [[Ing]] or [[Justin Carr]]) have contributed to it. It describes the diverse misadventures of Cassandra Cain, the third [[Batgirl]], and Tim Drake, the third [[Robin]], the vast majority of those dealing with the recent editorial decision of DC to make Cass evil.

In a moment of rage following the release of Robin #150, where that storyline began, Drink and Espanolbot, notorious members of the [[Cass Cult]], made a small strip where Cass rips Didio's face off. If you ask almost anyone, he deserved it.

After this first try, the two members continued to make strips about that editorial decision, always giving Cassandra Cain the major role. Soon, the strips diverged to include other DC characters (and more recently Marvel and Vertigo ones) and to concentrate on other storylines, not necessarily linked to Cass and Tim. The two characters, however, always appear in the strips.

Most characters in the Casstoons are either parodies or caricatures of their comic versions. For example, [[Hal Jordan]] is extremely offensive towards women and minorities, and Iron Man is portrayed with a Martini in hand, a jab at his past as an alchoholic. Cass herself has committed ann increasingly horrific series of murders in her desperation to become 'good' again.

The Casstoons have also produced a daughter comic of sorts featuring Booster Gold in addition to Cass, produced entirely by [[HotAndCold]], who usually uses the comic to express her rage at the handling of Booster in 52.

Casstoons became the most important attraction of the Cass Cain appreciation thread in a matter of weeks. It has also been successfully presented to the official DC message boards and other noteable forums.

==Characters and People that have appeared in the Casstoons==

'''Main Characters'''

Cassandra Cain- The most recent Batgirl. Was turned evil after OYL with no logic involved, and in a fit of rage ripped off DC Editor Dan Didio's face. Thus began Cass's adventures in Casstoons, as she desperately tries to become good again, find steady work, or just survive sharing an apartment with Tim Drake. She is one of the few who can see the absurdity around her and is often the voice of reason. She is also the Pope of the Catholic Church and the Boxing Champion of the World.

[[Tim Drake]]- The current Robin, and a womanizing dick. Despite his less than pleasant personality he is still usually seen associating with Cass, and she even let him move in her apartment after Damien took over Wayne Manor. He is currently dating Cassie Sandsmark, Rose Wilson, and Mia Dearden (Despite her HIV), often all at once. He hates country music.

Stephanie Brown- Cass's best friend and former costumed hero the Spoiler. Was killed senselessly in the War Games crossover, but Cass made a pseudo-alive scarecrow replica of Stephanie, inspired by 52. She was revived briefly when Tim dabbled in dark magic, then permanently by Death itself. She now lives with Cass and Tim and shares their adventures. She's dating the revived Superboy and works as a secret agent.

'''Reoccuring Characters'''

(In alphabetical order by last name...or code name. You should find who you're looking for under one or the other...)

Access- The guardian over the doorway to DC and Marvel. Access had a vendetta against Cass due to her liberal passage through the universes. Once successfully masqueraded as Evil Cass, which only worked due to Tim’s stupidity.

Animal Man— “Cosmically aware” family man. Stays safe because he knows where his writer lives—and isn’t afraid to do a little mafia-style negotiating.

Arrowette- Sole Young Justice surviving member and possible bastard child of Green Arrow. She’s probably better off that way.

[[Batman]]- Ultimate Superhero. Has Bat-Female-Sidekick-Forgetting and Baby-Kidnapping powers.

Batwoman- She's a lesbian, in case you didn't hear. In fact, it's almost all she ever says. Kinda like a Pokemon.

Beast Boy- Former Teen Titans who hangs out with the main characters. Cass often injures him in one way or another. Slade did Terra in his bed. Drummer of Tim’s band, as an Octopus.

Adam Beechen- The writer who did the story in which Cass went evil. For his own safety, he is rarely shown in the same panel as Cass. He's a rabid Tim Drake fanboy and in all his stories Tim wins by miraculous duex ex machina--even if Tim was not a main character.

Black Canary- Bird of Prey and Cass's friend. Bastardized by Winick back into a damsel in distress.

Brain and Monsiour Mallah- A living brain in a jar and a talking, super-intelligent French gorilla. OTP.

Booster Gold— Money loving superhero from the future. All the ladies think he has a glorious ass. He was briefly replaced by a Cablinasian hermaphrodite and forced to wear a barrel.

David Cain- Cass's dad. Obsessed with breeding his daughter with eligible bachelors.

Captain Marvel Jr.— Bassist of Tim’s band eternally stuck in the fifties. Now undergoing magical trials that make him forget everybody he cares about.

Catman— a little too friendly with Deadshot, if you know what I mean. Member of the Secret Six.

John Constantine- Chainsmoking english magician. Appears occasionally in casstoons that involve the occult in some fashion. Currently shagging Zatanna.

Damian/Ibn Al Xu'ffacsh- The bastard son of Batman. Possibly the Anti-Christ.

Dan DiDio- Whose face was bandaged after an angry Cass assaulted him, tearing off the skin from his skull. After some post-reconstructive surgery, he has been reborn as Dankor, based on the villian from Prince of Space. He loves Lesbians and hates the nineties and fun. He also has Diversity Vision.

Linda Danvers— The “Good” Supergirl.

Darkseid- New God. Got his hand broke during Handshake with Cass (Much to her own disbelief).

[[Deadpool]]- Merc with the Mouth and Cass's neighbour at her apartment complex. The two have become friends and often go on adventures together, whether to another dimension or just down to the Pizza Joint on the corner. Often has madcap and nonsensical adventures with the new Blue Beetle, Jaime Reyes.

Deadshot— A little too friendly with Catman, if you know what I mean. Member of the Secret Six.

Mia Dearden— the current Speedy. She has HIV, though it doesn’t seem to affect her or anybody she sleeps with at all. One of Tim’s girlfriends and a former Titan.

Death- Goth and guide to recently deceased souls. Has given Hal and Ollie a free ticket to come back to life after they groped her. Also revived Steph.

Deathstroke- Pedophile and leader of the Titans East. He is older than dust.

Ralph Dibny & Dr. Fate helmet- Stretchy hero who's out of his goddamn mind and helmet of a dead hero who he talks to. Turns out he was never insane and now he’s dead and we all feel bad.

Dr. Light- Rapist who was banished to the Shadow realm by the Shade, then raped by Supergirl. He then turned himself in after the ironic rape.

Duela Dent- Lunatic that's possibly the daughter of a supervillain, and member of Titans East. Was killed off after Titans East but somehow survived and attended her own funeral. Likes to pull practical jokes with Jason Todd.

Enigma- The Riddlers Daughter. Nobody knows anything about her. Or cares really. Member of Titans East.

Evil Cass- The version of Cass that appeared in Robin. Is either wearing a "Lil' Shiva" outfit or a Batgirl cowl with a monocle and glowing red eyes. While evil, she isn't particularly bright, despite her wordiness. Quite possibly a schizophrenic fractured personality of Cass.

Boba Fett- Bounty Hunter and acquaintance of Cass

The Flash- Was Bart Allen, formerly Impulse, who was ludicrously emo. He died, and was replaced by the guy he replaced, Wally West. yeah, it makes no sense to me either.

Green Arrow- Man-Whore and Commie Pinko extrordinaire. Waits till they're 18-unless they're an alien.

The [[Goddamn Batman]]- A harder, meaner, drinkinger and Goddamner version of Batman from the 80's. A new issue of his book is put out once a year. He has stubble and likes to eat rats.

The Goddamn Wonder Woman— Hates all men. Or anybody who likes men. Except for when she randomly kisses Superman. At least she’s a woman Miller has written who’s not a whore though!

Barbara Gordon- Formerly Batgirl, currently Oracle. Although surly at times (particularly when dressed as a Dalek), she's Cass's surrogate sister. Believed to secretly worship the Old Ones. Currently dating Ted Kord, the dead Blue Beetle.

Gorilla Grodd— is not amused by hugs.

Henchie- Cass's Henchman. Mainly used in menial chores. Despite Ninja outfit, he's British. He accidentally went to Oz in a hot air balloon trip gone wrong, and now works as a talent agent for comic characters.

Henchman X- The evil version of Henchie

Jonah Hex- Western Bounty Hunter displaced from time by Cass.

Road Hogg- A pig/human type thing, this past character from Cass's series crashed at her place, only to start living with Supergirl after a backfired rape attempt.

Huntress- Bird of Prey and Cass's friend. They often drink Tea together and discuss current events.

Inertia- Bart Allen's nemesis and clone, and a member of Titans East. Has a slight crush on Cass but now dates Sungirl.

Iron Man- Drunken Womanizer and advocate for Superhero registration. Put Cass in charage of the Kansas Initiative.

Geoff Johns— Overworked DC writer. He’s sometimes portrayed as gleefully following Didio’s orders to sometimes sympathizing with the characters. Recently had his face ripped off by Kyle Rayner, though it is most likely not permanent.

Hal Jordan- The foremost Green Lantern, the Halmeister gets by on his rugged good looks and his 50's style charm. In reality, he's a racist Man-Whore who hasn't got with the times.

Bette Kane- Technically a former Batgirl (Although most won't admit it), Cass repeatedly exacts revenge on this poor doofus to make herself feel better. Apparently immortal.

The Kansas Initiative— Consists of Jay the Jayhawk, Willy the Wildcat, and WuShock, all inept mascots. One of the reserve members is Glinda the Good Witch.

Kid Crusader- Formerly Choirboy, member of Titans East. Fanatic religious nut. Has helped Cass on several occasions but mostly enjoys smiting Kid Devil.

Kid Devil- Member of the Teen Titans. One of few non-fanatical Catholics in comics. Unfortunately he only became religious after selling his soul to the devil. Still better off than Nightwing.

Knockout— Big breasted bisexual member of the Secret Six.

The resurrected corpse of Blue Beetle, Ted Kord- With Band-Aid on head. Currently dating Barbara Gordon.

Selina Kyle- The first Catwoman. Likes to sleep with her boyfriends' sons. Mad at Didio for giving her a baby without Bruce as its father. Hey, she should be happy! I mean, look how Damien turned out!

Lady Shiva- Cass's mum. Will beat up anybody who besmirches her daughter’s honor. And occasionally she’ll beat up her daughter too.

The League of Cass Villians- A group of mediocre villains that Cass faced: Rigor Mortis- A stiffened corpse, Miss Fire- A near sighted pyrokinetic, and Gelatin Man- The name pretty much describes him, but he's Scottish.

Stan Lee- Oddly enough, was bald in his first appearance, than had hair in subsequent appearances

Lobo- Fraggin' Bastitch who was Cass's rival for the Pope-hood. After a vicious Holy War they came to a truce.

Love Cass- A robotic nymphomaniac version of Cass in a bikini and an increased bustline. A world famous porn star and able to outsex every last Doombot.

The Mad Hatter— Loves hats. Sexually. Former member of the Secret Six.

Mary Marvel- Sweet, innocent, naive and doesn't know what a lesbian is. Of course that means in the DiDioverse she has to be corrupted and seduced.

Match- Bizarro clone of Superboy, member of Titans East. Has dated Duela Dent and Enigma.

Terry McGuinness— Batman Beyond. The object of Cass’s deepest, most passionate fantasies.

Midnighter and Apollo- Comics’ leading gay couple.

Misfit— Quirky teleporter and secretly Jimmy Olsen in drag.

Miss Martian- Horribly cute Teen Titan that every pedo wants a piece of. Cass taught them a lesson though. Will likely turn evil within the next decade. Has “Super Water Breath.”

Misty- Goth and Zatanna's apprentice. She sent Tim to the TG universe after he hit on the Goths.

Grant Morisson—Possibly overrated meta-textual comic book writer for DC.

'Mystery Villain'- Recurring evil force focused on destroying Cass. Turned out to be Access [see Access]

[[Nightwing]]- Former Robin. He is either a manic depressant or hopelessly emo. No one really bothered to do a proper diagnosis. No matter how bad you got things, chances are you're still better off than Nightwing.

The Devil - AKA [[Jimmy Olsen]]- Hates Cass and all her daughters.

Alfred Pennyworth- Batman's Butler. So incredibly English. Only member of the Batfamily with a known age.

Power Girl— Her eyes are above her chest.

The Punisher– Thinks he’s Captain America.

Harley Quinn— Villainess friend of Cass and abused girlfriend of The Joker. A few cards short of a deck. Member of the Secret Six.

Kyle Rayner- Green Lantern who keeps getting women stuck in his fridge. Currently evil. Tried to extract revenge upon Geoff Johns Cass-style but it was overkill.

Ragdoll— Member of the Secret Six. He’s got no man parts.

Raven- Has the misfortune of having Damien Scott as artist. Also has an ass so beautiful it can bend the mens’ wills to her very whim. This is also known as the “hypnoass”.

Risk- Had his arm torn off by Superboy Prime. The brunt of many one-armed jokes. Member of Titans East

Jaime Reyes, the third Blue Beetle— Can usually be found having madcap and nonsensical adventures with Deadpool. Dreams of being a dentist.

Rorschach- Hrrrm.

Vic Sage- News anchor and Objectivist hero, the Question. Knows the truth about Aglets. Faked his own death and is alive and well hiding in Cass's apartment. Knows that A is always A.

Scandal— Person first, lesbian second. A member of the Secret Six.

The Scarlet Witch— Marvel’s #1 insane retconner. Had a one night stand with Superboy Prime that produced Witch Prime.

The Secret Six- Consisting of Catman, Scandal, Deadshot, Ragdoll, Knockout, and Mad Hatter. Harley Quinn has since replaced Mad Hatter. Cass desperately wants to be a part of this team, but will never be allowed to be.

The Shade- Cool anti-hero and anti-rape advocate. Once tried to have Dankor burned as a witch.

Gail Simone- Is never seen, just her doorstep. One of the few non-villainified DC writers. In real life she’s a Casstoon fan.

Sin, AKA Cass Jr.- Adopted daughter of Black Canary, Cass gave Sin a miniature Batgirl cowl of her very own. Will most very likely be killed for dramatic shock effect.

Sinestro- Cass's teacher in EVIL! Currently trying to destroy the multiverse.

Skeets- Robotic sidekick and Pimp. Was briefly possessed by a giant killer butterfly.

Spider Jerusalem- Futuristic journalist also displaced from time by Cass.

Spider-Man- possibly brainwashed by Tony. Likes Jell-O. Married to a supermodel yet hates his life.

Starfire- Photosynthetic nymphomaniac samurai xenomorph. Has adventures in space with Animal man and Adam Strange. Sex with her is the only thing in the world that can even temporarily cure Nightwing's depression.

Sungirl- Likes to burn stuff. Member of Titans East.

Superboy- Was kept alive as a preserved head by Tim, until revived by dark magic. He's now a head on a giant robotic body—which is fine by him because he can wear jeans again. Currently dating Stephanie Brown.

Superboy Prime- punch-happy lunatic from another universe. Often called upon in moments of dire need by Cass. Had a one night stand with the Scarlet Witch, producing an offspring whose powers were based entirely around retcons.

[[Supergirl]]- A Horrid bitch, Supergirl has become a serial rapist, and often comes to blows with Cass over different subjects. Namely, how calling Supergirl a one-dimensional character is a compliment. She is trying to become a better person, but it usually depends on the writer and/or what drugs she's on.

Superman- A dick. During a psychotic rampage, Cass smacked him with a kryptonite hammer. Has no idea who Superboy is anymore.

Taskmaster— Memorized Cass’s combat moves and used them to terrorize Deadpool.

The TG-Verse- Many Transgendered version of aforementioned characters, such as Tina for Tim, Cassian for Cass, and Rico for Raven. Their Green Arrow and Green Lantern are a monogamous lesbian couple.

Thanos- Marvel's version of Darkseid (Or vice-versa, whichever came first). He also got his hand broken by Cass.

Leslie Thompkins- bitchy and insane murderer-by-proxy. Willing to perform Lobotomies.

Titans East- Cass's former super team that consists mostly of boneheads. Members include Slade Wilson (Deathstroke), Batgirl (Cass), Duela Dent, Enigma, Kid Crusader, Match, Inertia, Risk, and Sungirl.

Jason Todd- Former Robin, former corpse. Cass has twice one-punched him for trying to usurp the Batgirl role. Likes to dress up as random superheroes and play practical jokes on people with Duela Dent. Has a starring role in the current Countdown.

Donna Troy- Has no idea who she is or what the hell she's doing. Often holds a machine gun.

Rose Wilson- Cass's one-time rival and current Teen Titan. One of Tim's girls. Might just possibly take it in the eye socket. You know what “it” is…

Witch Prime— Love child of Superboy Prime and the Scarlet Witch. Has “Retcon Vision”. He now fixes wrong pages on Wikipedia.

Wolverine- Semi-omnipotent superhero with claws. Horribly, horribly, horribly short.

[[Wonder Girl]]- Cassandra Sandsmark. Teen Titan and one of Tim's girls. Hopelessly emo, she's usually crying over her dead boyfriend Superboy, who has ironically been ressurected already. Cassie is oblivious to this fact.

Wonder Woman- Gets her lasso stolen regularly. Assaulted Frank Miller once. Was NOT the subject of a 48-page rape comic.

X-23- Definite Wolverine clone and possible Cass clone from Marvel. The two girls were amalgamated by Access.

Zatanna- Slept with Hal Jordan as part of a deal involving a mindwipe, after Hal saw Miss Martian turn into a naked Green Arrow. Now shagging Constantine.

'''Cameo or minor reoccuring characters'''

Al from Quantum Leap- Likes to leer at Cass's breasts. Sent her home after having his manhood threatened.

Aquaman- Even lamer than Brokenman.

“The Batman” Joker- Killed by the real Joker. Yay!

Bat-Mite- Batman's #1 fan from the 5th dimension. Is smitten with Cass.

Black Cat– Spider-Man’s Catwoman. Now with 80% more cleavage.

Cable- Liefeldian character and Deadpool's buddy. Is pissed off that Wade left their book and started living next to Cass.

Captain America- Supports Anti-drug groups, despite getting his very powers from drugs. He’s dead now, did’ja hear?

Captain Nazi— Hates freedom.

Cheshire— Insane assassin who likes to get pregnant.

The Chief- Leader of the Doom Patrol and all-around asshole.

Grace Choi- Outsider and bi!slut. Likes to drink and curse. Not surprisingly, created by Judd Winick.

Cir-El- The Supergirl before Kara. Has a Teutonic accent because she always looks so butch and buff. Most people either don't know about her or have blocked her from their memories.

Cthulhu- Think of a tentacle-rape monster with the Power Cosmic. Cthulhu is a Great Old One who has risen unopposed and eaten some ate some Miskatonic University students.

Jesse Custer- Texan Preacher with the voice of God.

Cyborg- Half man, half machine. Used to fill panel space in Geoff John's "Teen Titans" run.

Dr. Doom— Lusted for Evil Cass, before Love Cass wore him out. Oh, and evil dictator yadda yadda yadda.

Dream (Daniel)- Death's brother and Cass's English tutor.

Dust- Member of the New X-Men. Wears a form fitting burka.

Elektra– Is a ninja.

Guy Gardner- The best Green Lantern ever, behind G’nort.

The Goon- Dark Horse character. Just a thug, you mook.

Roy Harper— Red Arrow, formerly Arsenal. Former junkie and chronic changer of costumes. His daughter gets kidnapped a lot.

Connor Hawke— The second Green Arrow and bastard son of Ollie. In love with his father’s young ward.

Hellboy– Sounds like Slade.

Henchia- A female Henchie. Very little is known about her besides the fact taht she's a little too helpful.

Heroes for Hire- Mistaken by Cass for an S&M club.

Hulk- Hulk invade Earth. Hulk smash puny Rubber Man, Tin Man and Bald Man. Why they send Hulk away? Why they kill Hulk's wife? Grrr. Hulk make them pay.

J. Jonah Jameson- Hot headed editor. Hated by Spider Jerusalem.

The Joker- Psychotic clown. Killed the lame Joker from 'The Batman'. Tries to shoot Cass every day, like clockwork.

The Goddamn Hal Jordan— Horribly whipped and mild-mannered Green Lantern. A shame to all other alternate Halmeisters.

Silver Age Lois Lane— Actually did some reporting when she wasn’t attempting to reveal Superman’s secret identity or marry him.

Leslie, the Cablinasian Hermaphrodite— A multicultural replacement character. Briefly was Booster Gold and Supernova.

The Living Tribunal- Resided over the Multi-phasic Court. Once served time in the British Parliament.

Maxwell Lord- randomly turned evil then killed. Still better off than Nightwing.

Miho- Cass's Ninja contemporary from Sin City and current champion of intercompany tournament (Only because Cass didn't compete though).

Renee Montoya- Lesbian cop and the new Question. Yes, you heard me right...

Murmer— Psychotic serial killer and Flash rogue with a stitched mouth. The singer—and sadly, most talented member—in Tim’s band.

Obsidian- Alan Scott's son. He's one of a few gay male DC characters. Occasionally insane.

Aunt May Parker— Unintentionally poisons her nephew’s friends on a semi-regular basis.

Pied Piper- Former Flash rogue and another of the few gay males in the DCU. Likes to play the flute *snicker*

Holly Robinson- Lesbian and one of the current Catwomen.

Robotman- Member of the Doom Patrol and John Byrne hater.

Rose- As in Dr. Who's sidekick

Maggie Sawyer- Another Lesbian cop.

Matrix- Gloop of shape shifting protoplasmic goo from a pocket dimension with a good Lex Luthor before coming to DC's dimension and starting over. *gasp, gasp, wheeze* Oh! And may or may not exist anymore.

The Scooby Doo Gang— Cass spent the missing year with them.

Alan Scott- Original Green Lantern. Cass once smacked him with a tree branch.

She-Hulk- She's a strong, independent woman, damnit. She doesn't need to be in a relationship to give her life meaning. So what if she has lots of one-night stands and quick, physical relationships. It's just a sign of her independence and equality of gender. Right???

Skeletor and Evil Warriors- Tri-Klops, Mer-Man, et. Al. Cass once was sold to their world. They’re all incompetent.

Silver Age Supergirl- Put the modern Supergirl on trial for the right to exist. Lost because of editorial mandate.

Surge- Member of the New X-Men.

The cast of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles— Enlisted Cass to their cause briefly.

Thunder- Outsider and Grace Choi's girlfriend. Has no personality other than being gay and having daddy issues, which is to say, she has more personality than Batwoman.

V- He remembers, remembers, the fifth of November. He sees no reason the Gunpowder Treason should ever be forgot.

Various versions of Cass (Such as a Liefeldian Cass)

'''The Society of Future Cass Daughters'''

Batgirl Beyond- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Terry McGuinness. Just a wee bit ditsy.

Cade Wilson- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Deathstrike. Evil and raided the Legion's file room for mysterious reasons.

Cassa Fett- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Boba Fett. Member of the Meter Maid Guild. Tends to get eaten by Sarlaccs a lot. Failed to get into the Legion of Cass Daughters.

Cassbo— The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Lobo. An archbishop at the First Celestial Refried Triple-Fish God Church and Truck Stop.

Goldie- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Booster Gold. Will do anything for a promotion deal. Founding member of the Legion of Cass Daughters.

Halina Jordan— The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Hal Jordan. Every bit the sexual deviant of her father, though a brilliant super hero and an entrepreneur.

Irina Schwab, CPA- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Ambush Bug. Works for the IRS. Words can not describe how boring she is. Not depressed like Nightwing, but dreadfully, dreadfully dull.

Josie Hex— The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Jonah Hex. Can spit with perfect aim.

Lil' Cassie Wilson- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Deadpool. Leads the League of Cass Daughters.

Nina the Kryptonian Ninja- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Superboy. For some reason, she speaks Japanese as a primary language. Founding member of the Legion of Cass-Daughters.

Query- Hypothetical daughter of Cass and The Question. Likes to look at people’s underwear.

Skats- Supposedly Skeets's daughter and Goldie's sidekick. Can also be used as a phone.

Spider-Girl— May Parker, the possible daughter of Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson. Claimed to be a daughter of Cass to make entry to the Society but failed.

Tonya— Hypothetical daughter of Tony Stark—the Iron Man—and Cass. An alcoholic at the age of six!

Vickie von Doom- The hypothetical daughter of Cass and Dr. Doom. Received her doctorate at the Yellow Claw's Manicurist Academy

There is also a standard character model that Espanolbot uses frequently when a minor character (Such as a doctor or a shopkeep, for instance) is needed, rather than drawing a new one each time.

[[Category:Superdickery Related]]
[[Category:Comics Related]]

Casstoons

Pivitor — Thu, 05 Jul 2007 07:27:39 GMT

Pivitor: /* Characters and People that have appeared in the Casstoons */

Casstoons

Pivitor — Wed, 04 Jul 2007 20:08:48 GMT

Pivitor: /* Characters and People that have appeared in the Casstoons */

Casstoons

Pivitor — Wed, 04 Jul 2007 04:20:22 GMT

Pivitor: /* Characters and People that have appeared in the Casstoons */