Jaybird

From Speakeasy

Jaybird is oft unemployed yokel best known for his drunken, racist Internet postings and originally hailing from Baytown, Texas. He is of Bavarian ancestry, which can be seen in his appreciation for a good laugh, but also rears its ugly head in his complete hatred and distrust of anything new or anything or anyone that is not exactly like him. He was banned from the Nordish Portal for being more Nordish than the forum Admins.

Early Life

Jaybird was an unplanned child (his mother referring to him as the "margarita baby") born in the latter half of 1980. Despite being severly autistic (and possibly showing signs of Fetal alcohol spectrum disorder also known as FADS or fetal alcohol syndrome), he showed great promise as child, attending Catholic school until the eigth grade and consistently making the Honor Roll.

Things took a dramatic change for the worse as Jaybird entered high school where he discovered beer and had his first sexual experience. Where once his thoughts had been filled with dreams of playing Major League Baseball or possibly entering politics, Jaybird now had a C/D average, was cut from the baseball squad for not making grades, Jaybird's new goal in life was to dog as much poon as he possibly could. Never one to discriminate when it comes to pussy, Jaybird did not limit his quest to Grade A tail. In fact, he showed a particular weakness for Mexican girls and fat chicks.

Finally making the Honor Roll for the first time in his high school career on the final report card of his senior year, Jaybird managed to graduate but showed too little, too late. His lackluster academics combined with a DWI conviction and a sentence of probation, Jaybird had few options after leaving school and thus settled on joining the Marine Corps after being fed a line of false promises.

While in Boot Camp, Jaybird managed to draw the ire of his Drill Instructors and received several beatings at their hands for things as trivial as a postcard from his aunt in Missouri. In barracks life, Jaybird showed a complete disdain for anyone higher ranking than him and for the Corps in general. The field was where Jaybird excelled, always sneaking in illicit hooch and overstocking on cartons of cigarettes to sell at drastically inflated prices to the suckers who would run out of smokes by the second day. After serving out the term of his contract and then some, Jaybird survived the Corps relatively unscathed albeit with two broken arms, which he acquired performing the old Falling Out Of A Second Story Window Onto His Back trick.(Necessity being the mother of invention, those broken arms led him to develop an ingenious new method in the field of masturbation.)

Upon reentering the civilian life, Jaybird farted around, drinking and carousing for several months before enrolling at Lee Junior College in Baytown, but after only a couple semesters and having been assigned to read a fateful poem by William Carlos Williams, he quit unexpectedly.

Having trouble keeping steady work, Jaybird has been employed in various fields ranging from chemical plants to land surveying to plumbing. It should be noted however that there is a strong belief that none of the above jobs were real and that in fact Jaybird worked as the manager of a Long John Silver's until he was fired for an unfortunate incident involving the sale of methamphetamines through the drive-thru and that he is now employed as the manager of a KFC restaurant.

While finding gainful employment has been difficult, Jaybird has found purpose in life through Internet racism. Currently, Jaybird resides in Houston, Texas at a coolie housing bloc with his whorish redheaded fiancee.

Adult Life

It is doubtful that Jaybird will ever enter this stage of life.